«Maybe just doctor reflexes,” replied Stuart. «I had no med school courses
on being a patient.»
«Don`t you ever get to go off duty?» asked Tony. «I think you were off duty
that night in the Miami hotel. Midnight with a tipsy, horny broad—go for it, man,
get laid, enjoy yourself.»
Stuart shook his head. «A while ago I listened to a tape of the Dalai Lama
speaking to Buddhist teachers. One of them asked him about burnout and whether
they shouldn`t have some regularly scheduled off–duty time. The Dalai Lama`s
reply was priceless: Off duty? The Buddha says, вЂSorry, I`m off duty!` Jesus is
approached by a sufferer and replies, вЂSorry, I`m off duty today!` The Dalai Lama
giggles all the time, but he found this particular idea absolutely hilarious and
couldn`t stop laughing.»
«I`m not buying it,” said Tony. «I think you`re using your M.D. to avoid
life.»
«What I did in that hotel was wrong. No one will ever convince me
otherwise.»
Julius said, «Fourteen years ago and you can`t let it go. What about the
repercussions of this incident?»
«You mean besides self–excoriation and disgust?» said Stuart.
Julius nodded.
«I can tell you that I`ve been a damn good doctor, that I`ve never, not for an
instant, ever again violated the ethics of my profession.»
«Stuart, I decree that you`ve paid your debt,” said Julius. «Case closed.»
«Amen,” echoed several others.
Stuart smiled and crossed himself. «This takes me back to Sunday Mass
during my childhood. I feel like I`ve just come out of the confession booth
absolved.»
«Let me tell you a story,” said Julius. «Years ago in Shanghai I visited a
deserted cathedral. I`m an atheist, but I like visiting religious places—go figure.
Well, I walked around and then sat down in the confession booth, on the priest`s
side, and found myself envying the father confessor. What power he had! I tried
to mouth the words, вЂYou are forgiven, my son, my daughter.` I imagined the
supreme confidence he enjoyed because he believed himself a vessel carrying the
cargo of forgiveness straight from the man upstairs. And how puny my own
techniques seemed in comparison. But later, after leaving the church, I came out
of it by reassuring myself that at least I was living according to principles of
reason and not infantilizing my patients by representing mythology as reality.»
After a short silence, Pam said to Julius, «You know what, Julius?
Something`s changed. You`re different from the way you were before I left.
Telling stories about your life, stating opinions on religious belief, whereas you
always avoided such things in the past. I gather it`s the effect of your illness, but,
nonetheless, I like it. I really like your being more personal.»
Julius nodded. «Thanks. That silence gave me a sinking feeling that I had
offended some religious sensibilities here.»
«Not mine, Julius, if you`re worried about me,” said Stuart. «Those polls
that say that ninety percent of Americans believe in God leave me bewildered. I
left the church in my teens, and if I hadn`t then, I would leave now after what`s
come out about priests and pedophilia.»
«Nor mine,” said Philip. «You and Schopenhauer have something in
common regarding religion. He believed the church leaders exploited man`s
ineradicable need for the metaphysical and that they infantilized the public and
dwelled themselves in a state of perpetual deception by refusing to confess they
had deliberately cloaked their truths in allegory.»
Philip`s comment interested Julius, but, noticing that only a few minutes
remained, he steered the group back to process. «A lot happened today. A lot of
risks were taken. Feelings? Some of you have been very quiet—Pam? Philip?»
«It hasn`t escaped me,” Philip said quickly, «that what has been revealed
here today, what has caused so much needless torment, for me, for others, flows
from the supreme and universal power of sex, which my other therapist,
Schopenhauer, taught me is absolutely inbuilt, or, as we would say today,
hardwired into us.
«I know many of Schopenhauer`s words about this since I`ve often cited
them in lectures. Let me quote a few: вЂ[Sex is] the strongest and most active of all
motives.... It is the ultimate goal of almost all human effort. It...interrupts every
hour the most serious occupations, and sometimes perplexes...the greatest human
minds.` вЂSex does not hesitate to intrude with its trash, and to interfere with...the
investigations of the learned—`”
«Philip, this is important stuff, but, before we stop today, try to speak
aboutyour feelings rather than Schopenhauer`s,” interrupted Julius.
«I`ll try, but let me continue—just one more last sentence: вЂEvery day it
destroys the most valuable relationships. Indeed it robs of all conscience those
who were previously honorable and upright.`” Philip stopped. «That`s what I
wanted to say; I`m finished.»
«Haven`t heard feelings, Philip,” said Tony, grinning at the opportunity to
confront Philip.
Philip nodded. «Just dismay about how we poor mortals, we fellow
sufferers, are such victims of biology that we fill our lives with guilt about natural
acts as Stuart and Rebecca have done. And that we all have the goal of extricating
ourselves from the thralldom of sex.»
After a few moments of the customary silence following one of Philip`s
pronouncements, Stuart turned to Pam: «I`d sure like to hear from you today.
What do you feel about what I`ve laid on the group? You were on my mind when
I thought about confessing here. I`ve been thinking that I`ve put you in a tough
place because in a way you can`t forgive me without also forgiving Philip.»
«I feel as much respect for you as ever, Stuart. And don`t forget that I`m
sensitized to this issue. I was exploited by a doctor—Earl, my soon–to–be ex–husband, was my gynecologist.»
«Exactly,” said Stuart. «That compounds it. «How can you forgive me
without also forgiving both Philip and Earl?»
«Not true, Stuart. You`re a moral person—after listening to you today and
hearing of your remorse, I feel that way even more. And that incident in the
Miami hotel doesn`t grab me—ever readFear of Flying ?»
Seeing Stuart shake his head, Pam went on, «Take a look at the book. Erica
Jong would call what you had a simple вЂzipless fuck`; it was mutual, spontaneous
coupling, you were kind, no one got hurt, you took responsibility to make sure she
was okay afterward. And you`ve used the incident as a moral compass since then.
But Philip? What can one say about a man who models himself after Heidegger
and Schopenhauer? Of all philosophers who ever lived, those were the two who
were the most abject failures as human beings. What Philip did was unforgivable,
predatory, without remorse—”
Bonnie interrupted, «Hold on, Pam, did you notice that when Julius tried to
stop Philip, he absolutely insisted on one more sentence about sex robbing the
person of conscience and destroying relationships. I wonder, wasn`t that
something about remorse? And wasn`t that directed to you?»
«He has something to say? Let him say it to me. I don`t want to hear it from
Schopenhauer.»
«Let me butt in here,” said Rebecca. «I left the last meeting feeling bad for
you and for all of us, including Philip, who, let`s face it, has been pissed on here.
At home I starting thinking of Jesus`s remark about how he who is without sin