more certain of
putting people into
a good humor than by
telling them of some
trouble that has
recently befallen
you, or by
disclosing some
personal weakness of
yours.
_________________________
At the next meeting Gill plunked himself down, his huge frame testing the
limits of his chair, waited until everyone arrived, and started the meeting.
«If no one else has something, I want to continue with the вЂsecrets`
exercise.»
«Let me insert a cautionary note here,” said Julius. «I don`t think it`s
a good idea to make this a prescribed exercise. Ido believe that folks do
better in the group when they reveal themselves fully, but it`s important to
move at our own pace and not feel pressured by any exercise to open up.»
«I hear you,” answered Gill, «but I don`t feel pressured. Iwant to
talk about this, and I also don`t want to leave Rebecca and Stuart hanging
out there alone. That okay?»
After noting the nods in the group, Gill continued: «My secret goes
back to when I was thirteen. I was a virgin, barely into puberty, covered
with acne, and Aunt Valerie, my father`s youngest sister...she was late
twenties or early thirties...used to stay with us from time to time—she was
between jobs a lot. We got along great, played around a lot when my folks
were out—wrestling, tickling, card games. Then one time, when I cheated
at strip poker and got her naked, things got real sexual—no longer tickling
but some serious feeling up. I was inexperienced and hormone–hot and
didn`t know exactly what was going on, but when she said to вЂstick it in,` I
said вЂyes, ma`am` and followed instructions. After that we did it anytime
we could until a couple of months later when my folks came home early
and caught us red–handed, flat out in the act—what`s that
called...flagrant...flagrant something?»
Gill looked toward Philip, who opened his mouth to answer but was
preempted by Pam, who said with lightning speed, «Flagrante delicto.»
«Wow, fast...I forgot we havetwo professors here,” murmured Gill,
who continued his account: «Well, the whole thing kind of messed up the
family. My dad didn`t get too hot under the collar about it, but my mother
was livid and Aunt Val didn`t stay with us anymore, and my mother was
furious with Dad for continuing to be friendly to her.»
Gill stopped, looked around, and then added, «I can understand why
my mother was upset, but, still, it was as much my fault as Aunt Val`s.»
«Yourfault—at thirteen? Come on!» said Bonnie. Others—Stuart,
Tony, Rebecca—nodded in agreement.
Before Gill could respond, Pam said, «I`ve got a response, Gill.
Maybe not what you`re expecting but something I`ve been holding back,
something I wanted to say to you even before I left on my trip. I don`t
know how to put it tactfully, Gill, so I`m not going to try—just going to
cut loose. Bottom line is that your story doesn`t move me one bit, and, in
most ways,you just don`t move me. Even though you say you`re revealing
yourself like Rebecca and Stuart did, I don`t experience you as
beingpersonal.
«I know that you`re committed to the group,” Pam continued. «You
seem to work hard, you take a lot of responsibility for taking care of
others, and, if someone runs out, it`s usually you that runs to get them
back. You seem to reveal yourself, but you don`t—it`s an illusion—you
stay hidden. Yes, that`s what you are—hidden, hidden, hidden. Your story
about your aunt is so typical of what I mean. Itseems personal, but it`s not.
It`s a trick because it`s notyour story, it`s your Aunt Val`s story, andof
course everyone is going to jump in and say, вЂBut you were just a child,
you were thirteen, you were the victim.` What else could they say? And
your stories about your marriage havealways been about Rose, never
about you. And they always get exactly the same response from us,
вЂWhydo you put up with that shit!`
«When I was meditating in India—bored out of my gourd—I
thought a lot about this group. You can`t believe how much. And I thought
about each person here. Except for you, Gill. I hate to say this, butI just
didn`t think about you. When you talk, I never know who you`re talking
to—maybe the walls, or the floor, but I never experience you as
speakingpersonally to me.»
Silence. The members seemed bewildered about how to respond.
Then Tony whistled and said, «Welcome back, Pam.»
«No sense of being here if I`m not going to be honest,” said Pam.
«What are you feeling, Gill?» asked Julius.
«Oh, just my typical feeling when I get a drop–kick to my belly—
spitting out a few pieces of pancreas. Isthat personal enough, Pam? Wait,
wait, sorry, don`t answer. I didn`t mean that. I know you`re giving me
good straight stuff. And deep down, I know you`re right.»
«Say more about that Gill, about her being right,” said Julius.
«She`s right. I could reveal more. I know that. I have things I could
say to people here.»
«To who, for example?» asked Bonnie.
«Well,you. I really like you, Bonnie.»
«Nice to hear, Gill, but it`s still not too personal.»
«Well, I got off on you calling me a hunk a couple of weeks ago.
And I don`t buy into your labeling yourself homely and so out of
Rebecca`s beauty league—I`ve always had a thing—maybe ever since
Aunt Val—about older women. And I`ll be honest, I had some juicy
fantasies when you invited me to stay at your place when I didn`t want to
go home to Rose.»
«That why you didn`t take Bonnie up on her offer?» asked Tony.
«Other stuff came up.»
When it became clear Gill was not going to elaborate, Tony asked,
«You want to say more about the other stuff?»
Gill sat for a moment, his bald pate glistening with sweat, and then
mustered resolve and said, «Tell you what, let me go around the rest of the
group and talk about my feelings.» He began with Stuart, who sat next to
Bonnie. «For you, Stuart, I got nothing but admiration. If I had kids, I`d
feel lucky to have you as their doctor. And what you described last week
doesn`t change any of my feelings.
«And you, Rebecca, tell you the truth, you intimidate me—you
seem too perfect, too pretty, too clean. What you told us about the incident
in Las Vegas doesn`t change that—to me you`re still pristine and spotless
with tons of confidence. Maybe it`s because I`m flustered now, but I can`t
even remember why you`re in therapy. Stuart`s image of you being a
porcelain doll—that rings true—maybe you`re a little too brittle, maybe
you got some sharp edges—I don`t know.
«And, Pam, you`re a straight shooter, blunt, smartest person I`d ever
met until Philip entered—he can give you a run for it. I know I don`t want
to get on the wrong side of either of you. But, Pam, you`ve got stuff to
work on with men. They`ve given you hard times, but then, again, you
hate us. All of us. Hard to know what`s chicken, what`s egg.
«Philip, you`re way up there, like, in another whole layer or...or
realm ofbeing. But I wonder about you. I wonder if you`ve ever had a
friend—I can`t see you actually hanging out, having a beer, talking about
the Giants. I can`t see you having a good time or actually everliking
anyone. And I`ll tell you the real question for me:why aren`t you lonely? ”
Gill continued on, «Tony, you`re fascinating to me, you work with
your hands, you really do things, not push numbers around like me. I wish