«Your cock!»
When Tony broke into a big lascivious smile,
Rebecca barked, «You bastard, you knew what I meant!
You just wanted to hear me talk dirty. Get serious, Tony,
we don`t have much time left here. You can`t really be
saying you weren`t affected by what happened with Pam.»
Tony stopped smiling, «Well, being suddenly
dumped felt...you know, thrown away. But I`m still
hoping.»
«Tony,” said Rebecca, «you`ve still got a lot of work
to do on relating to a woman. Quit begging—it`s
demeaning. I hear you saying they can use you in any
goddamned way they want because there`s only one thing
you want from them: to get laid. That`s belittling
yourself—and them too.»
«I didn`t think I was using Tony,” said Pam.
«Everything felt mutual to me. But, to be honest, at the time
I didn`t reflect much. I just acted on automatic pilot.»
«As did I, long ago. Automatic pilot,” Philip said
softly.
Pam was startled. She looked at Philip for a few
seconds and then gazed downward.
«I have a query for you,” said Philip.
When Pam did not look up, he added, «A query
foryou, Pam.»
Pam raised her head and faced him. Other members
exchanged glances.
«Twenty minutes ago you said вЂdisillusionmentwith
academic life.` And yet a few weeks ago you said that
when you applied to grad school, you seriously considered
philosophy, even working on Schopenhauer. If that is so,
then I put this question to you:could I have been that
disastrous a teacher? ”
«Inever said you were a bad teacher,” replied Pam.
«You were one of the best teachers I`ve ever had.»
Astonished, Philip stared hard at her.
«Talk about what you`re feeling, Philip,” urged
Julius.
When Philip refused to answer, Julius said, «You
remember everything, every word, Pam says. I think she
matters a great deal to you.»
Philip remained silent.
Julius turned toward Pam. «I`m thinking about your
words—that Philip was one of the best teachers you ever
had. That must have compounded your sense of
disappointment and betrayal.»
«Amen. Thanks, Julius, you`re always there.»
Stuart repeated her words, «One of the best teachers
you ever had!I`m absolutely floored by that. I`m floored by
your saying something so...so generous, to Philip. That`s a
huge step.»
«Don`t make too much of it,” said Pam. «Julius hit
the nail on the head: if anything, his being a good teacher
made what he did even more egregious.»
Tony, taking to heart Gill`s comments about his
relationship with Pam, opened the next meeting by
addressing Pam directly. «This is...like awkward, but I
been holding something back. I want to say that I`m feeling
more bummed out about us than I`ve admitted. I haven`t
done anything wrong to you—you and I were...uh
together...mutual about the sex, and yet now I`m the
person non grata—”
«Personanon grata,” whispered Philip gently.
«Persona non grata.» Tony continued, «And I feel
I`m being punished. We`re not close anymore, and I guess I
miss that. It seems like we were once friends, then lovers,
and now...it`s like...in limbo...nothing...you avoid me.
And Gill`s right: getting dumped in public was humiliating
as hell. Right now I get nothing from you—not getting laid,
not being friends.»
«Oh Tony, I am so so sorry. I know. I made a
mistake—I—we—should never have done this. It`s
awkward for me, too.»
«So how about our going back to where we were
before?»
«Back to?»
«Just friends, that`s all. Just hanging out after the
group, like all the others do here, except for my buddy,
Philip, who`s coming around.» Tony reached over and gave
Philip`s shoulder an affectionate squeeze. «You know,
talking about the group, your telling me about books, all
that stuff.»
«That sounds adult,” answered Pam. «And...it would
be a first for me—usually after an affair I make a clean
tumultuous break.»
Bonnie volunteered, «I wonder, Pam, if you keep
your distance from Tony because you fear he will interpret
a friendly overture as a sexual invitation.»
«Yeah, exactly—there is that—that`s an important
part of it. Tony does get a bit single–minded.»
«Well,” said Gill, «there`s an obvious remedy: just
clear the air. Be straight with him. Ambiguity makes things
worse. Couple of weeks ago I heard you raise the
possibility that maybe the two of you can get together later
after the group ends—is that real or just a phony way of
softening the let–down? It just muddies the waters. Keeps
Tony hanging.»
«Yep, right on!» said Tony. «That statement a couple
weeks ago about our possibly continuing sometime in the
future was big for me. I`m trying to keep everything on an
even keel so I can keep that possibility open.»
«And,” said Julius, «in so doing, you forfeit the
opportunity of doing some work on yourself while this
group and I are still available to you.»
«You know, Tony,” said Rebecca, «getting laid is not
the most important thing, not theonly thing, in the world.»
«I know, I know, that`s why I`m bringing this up
today. Give me a break.»
After a short silence Julius said, «So, Tony, keep
working on this.»
Tony faced Pam. «Let`s do what Gill said—clear the
air—as adults. What do you want?»
«What I want is to go back to where we were before.
I want you to forgive me for embarrassing you by springing
the confession. You`re a dear man, Tony, and I care for
you. The other day I overheard my undergraduate students
using this new term,fuck–buddies —perhaps that`s what we
were and it was fun then but it`s a bad idea now or in the
future—the group takes precedence. Let`s concentrate on
working on our stuff.»
«Okay by me. I`m up for it.»
«So, Tony,” said Julius, «you`re liberated—you`re
now free to talk about all the thoughts you`ve been holding
back lately—about yourself, Pam, or the group.»
In the remaining meetings the liberated Tony returned to
his instrumental role in the group. He urged Pam to deal
with her feelings about Philip. When the potential
breakthrough following her praise of Philip as a teacher
never materialized, he pressed her to work harder on why
she kept her resentment of Philip red–hot yet could find
forgiveness for others in the group.
«I`ve already said,” Pam answered, «that obviously
it`s much easier to forgive others, like Rebecca, or Stuart,
or Gill, because I was not a personal victim of their offense.
My life wasn`t altered by what they did. But there`s more. I
can forgive others here because they`ve shown remorse
and, above all, because they`ve changed.
«I`ve changed. I do believe, now, it`s possible to
forgive the person but not the act. I think I might be
capable of forgiving a changed Philip.But he hasn`t
changed. You ask why I can forgive Julius—well, look at
him: he never stops giving. And, as I`m sure you`ve all
figured out, he`s been giving us a final gift of love: he`s
teaching us how to die. I knew the old Philip, and I can
attest he`s the same man you see sitting here. If anything,
he`s colder and more arrogant.»
After a short pause she added, «And an apology from
him wouldn`t hurt.»
«Philip, not changed?» said Tony. «I think you`re