reflected in his face, and expressed the hope» that «the
morning sun of my fame will gild with its first rays the
evening of my life and dispel its gloom.» When the eminent
sculptress Elisabeth Ney visited Frankfurt for four weeks to
do a bust of him, Arthur purred, «She works all day at my
place. When I get home we have coffee together, we sit
together on the sofa, and I feel as if I were married.»
Not since the best years of his life—the two years
spent as a child in Le Havre with the de Blesimaire
family—had Arthur spoken so tenderly and contentedly of
domestic life.
40
_________________________
At the end
of his
life, no
man, if he
be sincere
and in
possession
of his
faculties,
would ever
wish to go
though it
again.
Rather
than this,
he will
much
prefer to
choose
complete
nonexisten
ce.
_________________________
Members filed in for the penultimate meeting with
contrasting feelings: some felt sorrow about the looming
end of the group, some thought about personal work they
had left undone, some scanned Julius`s face as though to
imprint it in their minds, and all were enormously curious
about Pam`s response to Philip`s revelations of the previous
meeting.
But Pam did not offer satisfaction; instead she
extracted a sheet of paper from her purse, slowly unfolded
it, and read aloud:
A carpenter does not come up to me and say, «listen to
me discourse about the art of carpentry.» Instead he
makes a contract for a house and builds it.... Do the
same thing yourself: eat like a man; drink like a man....
get married, have children, take part in civic life, learn
how to put up with insults, and tolerate other people.
Then, turning to Philip, she said, «Written by...guess
who?»
Philip shrugged.
«Your man, Epictetus. That`s why I bring it here. I
know you revere him—you brought Julius one of his
fables. Why am I quoting him? I`m merely speaking to the
point raised by Tony and Stuart and others last week that
you`ve never been вЂin life.` I believe that you selectively
pick and choose various passages from philosophers to
support your position and—”
Gill interrupted, «Pam, this is our next–to–last
meeting. If this is another one of your get–Philip tirades, I
don`t personally feel I`ve got time for it. Do what you tell
me to do. Get real and talk about your feelings. You must
have had strong reactions to what Philip said about you last
meeting.»
«No, no, hear me out,” Pam said quickly. «This is not
вЂget–Philip` stuff. My motivations are different. The iron is
cooling. I`m trying to say something helpful to Philip. I
think he`s compounded his life avoidance by selectively
gathering support from philosophy. He draws from
Epictetus when he needs him and overlooks the same
Epictetus when he doesn`t.»
«That`s a great point, Pam,” said Rebecca. «You`re
putting your finger on something important. You know, I
bought a copy of a little paperback called theWisdom of
Schopenhauer at a used–book store and have been
skimming it the last couple of nights. It`s all over the place:
some of it`s fabulous and some outrageous. There`s a
passage I read yesterday that floored me. He says that if we
go into any cemetery, knock on the tombstones, and ask the
spirits dwelling there if they`d like to live again, every one
of them would emphatically refuse.» She turned to Philip.
«You believe this?» Without waiting for him to respond,
Rebecca continued, «Well, I don`t. He`s not speaking for
me. I`d like to check it out. Could we get a vote here?»
«I`d choose to live again. Life`s a bitch, but it`s a
kick too,” said Tony. A chorus of «me too» spread around
the group. «I hesitate for one reason,” explained Julius.
«The idea of once again bearing the pain of my wife`s
death; but, even so, I`d say yes. I love being alive.» Only
Philip held silent.
«Sorry,” he said, «but I agree with Schopenhauer.
Life is suffering from start to finish. It would have been
better if life, all life, had never been.»
«Better not have beenfor whom ?» asked Pam. «For
Schopenhauer, you mean? Apparently not for the folks in
this room.»
«Schopenhauer is hardly alone in his position.
Consider the millions of Buddhists. Remember that the first
of the Buddha`s four noble truths is that life is suffering.»
«Is that a serious answer, Philip? What`s happened to
you? When I was a student you lectured brilliantly on
modes of philosophical argument. What kind of argument
is this? Truth by proclamation? Truth by appeal to
authority? That`s the way of religion, and yet surely you
follow Schopenhauer in his atheism. And has it occurred to
you that Schopenhauer was chronically depressed and that
the Buddha lived in a place and at a time when human
suffering—pestilence, starvation—was rampant and that,
indeed, life then was unmitigated suffering for most? Has it
occurred—”
«What kind of philosophic argument isthat ?»
retorted Philip. «Every half–way literate sophomore student
knows the difference between genesis and validity.»
«Wait, wait,” interjected Julius. «Let`s pause for a
minute and check in.» He scanned the group. «How are the
rest of you guys feeling about the last few minutes?»
«Good stuff,” said Tony. «They were really duking it
out. But with padded gloves.»
«Right, better than silent glares and hidden daggers,”
said Gill.
«Yeah, I liked it a lot better,” agreed Bonnie. «Sparks
were flying between Pam and Philip but cooler sparks.»
«Me, too,” said Stuart, «until the last couple of
minutes.»
«Stuart,” said Julius, «in your first meeting here you
said your wife accused you of talking in telegrams.»
«Yep, you`re stingy today. A few more words won`t
cost you any more,” said Bonnie.
«Right. Maybe I`m regressing because...you know,
this being the next–to–last meeting. Can`t be sure—I don`t
feel sad; as usual I have to infer my feelings. Here`s
something I do know, Julius. I love your taking care of me,
calling on me, staying on my case. How`s that?»
«That`s great, and I`ll keep doing it. You said you
liked Pam and Philip talking вЂuntil the last couple of
minutes.` So, what about those last minutes?»
«At first it felt good–natured—more like a family
squabble. But that last comment by Philip—that had a nasty
edge to it. I mean the comment starting with» Every
halfway literate sophomore student. «I didn`t like that,
Philip. It was a put–down. If you said that to me, I`d have
felt insulted. And threatened—I`m not even sure what
philosophical arguement means.»
«I agree with Stuart, «said Rebecca. «Tell me, Philip,
whatwere you feeling? Did you want to insult Pam?»
«Insult her? No, not at all. That was the last thing I
wanted to do,” responded Philip. «I
felt...uh...upliftedorreleased —not sure of the right
word—by her saying the iron was no longer red–hot. Let`s
see, what else? I knew that one of her motives in bringing
in the quote by Epictetus was to trap and confound me.
That was obvious. But I kept in mind what Julius said to
me when I brought in that fable for him—that he was