“I failed her,” he whispered.
“It would be her nature to forgive, if there were anything to forgive, which there is not.”
“But I didn’t stop him from taking her. He took her while I wasn’t paying attention…” his voice trailed off.
“If you remember, you were saving your son. Only you, in the entire universe, believe that somehow you are to blame. Missy doesn’t believe that, nor Nan, nor Papa. Perhaps it’s time to let that go-that lie. And Mackenzie, even if you had been to blame, her love is much stronger than your fault could ever be.”
Just then someone called Missy’s name and Mack recognized the voice. She shrieked with delight and started to run back toward the others. Abruptly she stopped and ran back to her daddy. She made a big embrace as if she were hugging him and, with eyes closed, overexaggerated a kiss. From behind the barrier he hugged her back. For a moment she stood completely still, as if knowing she was giving him a gift for his memory, waved, turned, and raced back to the others.
And now Mack could clearly see the voice that had called his Missy. It was Jesus playing in the middle of his children. Without hesitation Missy leaped into his arms. He swung her around twice before putting her back on her feet, and then, everyone laughed before hunting for smooth stones to skip across the surface of the lake. The voicing of their joy was a symphony to Mack’s ears, and as he watched, his tears flowed freely.
Suddenly, without warning, water roared down from above, directly in front of him, and obliterated all the sights and sounds of his children. Instinctively, he jumped back. He now realized that the walls of the cave had dissolved around him, and he was standing in a grotto on the backside of the waterfall.
Mack felt the woman’s hands on his shoulders.
“Is it over?” he asked.
“For now,” she replied tenderly. “Mackenzie, judgment is not about destruction, but about setting things right.”
Mack smiled. “I don’t feel stuck anymore.”
She steered him gently toward the side of the waterfall until he could once again see Jesus on the shore, still skipping stones. “I think someone is waiting for you.”
Her hands softly squeezed and then left his shoulders and Mack knew without looking that she was gone. After carefully climbing over slippery boulders and across wet rocks, he found a way around the edge of the falls, then through the refreshing mist of tumbling water, and back into daylight.
Exhausted but deeply fulfilled, Mack paused and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to etch the details of Missy’s presence indelibly into his mind, hoping that in the days to come he would be able to bring back every moment with her, every nuance and movement.
And suddenly he missed Nan so very, very much.
12 IN THE BELLY OF THE BEASTS
Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction.
– Blaise Pascal
Once abolish the God and the government becomes the God.
– G. K. Chesterton
As Mack made his way down the trail toward the lake, he suddenly realized that something was missing. His constant companion, The Great Sadness, was gone. It was as if it had been washed away in the mists of the waterfall as he emerged from behind its curtain. Its absence felt odd, perhaps even uncomfortable. For the past years it had defined for him what was normal, but now unexpectedly it had vanished. “ Normal is a myth,” he thought to himself.
The Great Sadness would not be part of his identity any longer. He knew now that Missy wouldn’t care if he refused to put it on. In fact, she wouldn’t want him to huddle in that shroud and would likely grieve for him if he did. He wondered who he would be now that he was letting all that go- to walk into each day without the guilt and despair that had sucked the colors of life out of every thing.
As he entered the clearing, he saw Jesus still waiting, still skipping stones.
“Hey, I think my best was thirteen skips,” he said as he laughed and walked to meet Mack. “But Tyler beat me by three and Josh threw one that skipped so fast we all lost count.” As they hugged, Jesus added, “You have special kids, Mack. You and Nan have loved them very well. Kate is struggling, as you know, but we’re not done there.”
The very ease and intimacy with which Jesus talked about his children touched him deeply. “Then they’re gone?”
Jesus pulled back and nodded. “Yes, back to their dreams, except Missy, of course.”
“Is she…?” Mack began.
“She was overjoyed to have been this close to you, and she’s thrilled knowing you are better.”
Mack struggled to maintain his composure. Jesus understood and changed the subject.
“So, how was your time with Sophia?”
“Sophia? Ahh, so that’s who she is!” exclaimed Mack. Then a perplexed look came across his face. “But doesn’t that make four of you? Is she God too?”
Jesus laughed. “No Mack. There are only three of us. Sophia is a personification of Papa’s wisdom.”
“Oh, like in Proverbs, where wisdom is pictured as a woman calling out in the streets, trying to find anyone who’ll listen to her?”
“That’s her.”
“But,” Mack paused as he bent to untie the laces of his shoes, “she seemed so real.”
“Oh, she’s quite real,” responded Jesus. He then looked around as if to see if anyone was watching and whispered, “She’s part of the mystery surrounding of Sarayu.”
“I love Sarayu,” Mack exclaimed as he stood, somewhat surprised at his own transparency.
“Me too!” Jesus stated with emphasis. They walked back to the shore and silently stood looking across at the shack.
“It was terrible and it was wonderful, my time with Sophia.” Mack finally answered the question Jesus had asked earlier. He suddenly realized that the sun was still high in the sky. “Exactly how long have I been gone?”
“It’s been less than fifteen minutes, so not long,” Jesus replied. At Mack’s look of bewilderment, he added, “Time with Sophia is not like normal time.”
“Huh,” grunted Mack. “I doubt if anything with her is normal.”
“Actually,” Jesus started to speak but paused to throw one last skipping stone, “with her, everything is normal and elegantly simple. Because you are so lost and independent you bring to her many complications, and as a result you find even her simplicity profound.”
“So, I’m complex and she’s simple. Whew! My world is upside down.” Mack had already sat down on a log and was taking off his shoes and socks for the walk back. “Can you tell me this? Here it is the middle of the day, and my children were here in their dreams? How does that work? Is any of this real? Or am I just dreaming, too?”
Again Jesus laughed. “As far as how all this works? Don’t ask, Mack. It’s a little heady-something to do with time dimensional coupling. More of Sarayu’s stuff. Time, as you know it, presents no boundaries to the One who created it. You can ask her, if you like.”
“Nah, I think I’ll wait on that one. I was just curious,” he chuckled.
“But as for, ‘Is any of this real?’ Far more real than you can imagine.” Jesus paused for a moment to get Mack’s full attention. “A better question might be, ‘What is real?’“
“I’m beginning to think that I have no idea,” Mack offered.
“Would all this be any less ‘real’ if it were inside a dream?”
“I think I’d be disappointed.”
“Why? Mack, there is far more going on here than you have the ability to perceive. Let me assure you, all of this is very much real, far more real than life as you’ve known it.”
Mack hesitated, but then decided to take the risk and ask.
“There is one thing still bothering me, about Missy.”