He used to be fun, Hades did. A riot! Did you hear the one about Jason and the Golden Fleece?
No?
The point is, Charon had a family to feed. And he didn't have any of those bonuses or benefits or personal holidays or vacation time or paternity leave or anything else that everyone and their Aunt Fanny seemed to have. He depended on fares. Not that they were enough. With the family to feed.
So Charon developed a little side business. A trade of his own. Hades liked entrepreneurs, so Charon became one. He traded in the most valuable commodity there was:
Information.
Information! Ah, how he loves having it! How everyone else wants it! You want to know what your implets do after school? You want to know what your minions say when you're out of earshot? You want to know who is building a shadow army to take over the Underworld?
Really, he's providing a service. And if he happens to make a profit, to feed his family, well… can you blame him? Can you?
Actually, he doesn't have a family. He's more the solitary type. Brooding. A loner. Plus, a wife and kids are expensive.
But he digresses.
So, say you're one of those Promethian descendants and you wander on down to the Underworld. (Because let's face it: Everyone knows how to get in and out. Hades thought his precious Decree would stop people, but really, he doesn't know a thing that happens outside his Palace walls. All he does is sit on his scrawny bottom and make goo-goo eyes at the Ice Queen.)
Say you're one of those descendants of Prometheus. And you're sworn to protect humans against the whims of the uncaring gods, blah, blah, blah. And you get wind of some nefarious Underworld scheme. And you want more information so you can save your precious humans. Whatever do you do?
Well, you go down and see Charon.
But bring cash.
Charon knows. He knows everything. And for the right price he'll tell you.
Okay, now Say you are Charon. Say you give this guy all the information he wants. Say, in the process, because you are oh so subtle and clever, you get a little information from him. What do you do then?
Well, just follow these simple instructions:
Put a sign on your boat. BE BACK IN 15 MINUTES. It doesn't actually have to be fifteen minutes. The Dead have no sense of time. Let them wander around on the shores for a while. Builds character.
Find your subject. Approach him casually. You're buddies, right? Act like one.
Like this:
CHARON: Hey, how's it going?
SUBJECT: Good, good.
Excellent. Now tell a joke. Loosen him up.
CHARON: Hey, did you hear the one about Heracles and the Cerynitian hind?
Like that. Now start asking questions. Be casual.
CHARON: How's that shadow army?
As if you really want to know, because you care. About him. Everyone likes to be listened to. People want to talk about their evil schemes. Just give them the chance.
SUBJECT: Just about done.
CHARON: Wow! That's amazing.
Flattery will get you everywhere.
SUBJECT: It truly is. The army, you should see them. They're so beautiful. I almost hate to send them out…
CHARON: When are you going to?
SUBJECT: I just need to get my Zero down here to utter the final words of the spell.
CHARON: Oh.
Pause. Think for a moment. Ask innocently:
CHARON: And how are you going to do that?
SUBJECT: I've been sending him dreams. Vivid ones.
CHARON: {Innocent. Wide eyed. Appreciative!} Wow! I thought only Hypnos could do that.
SUBJECT: I've learned a few skills here in Exile. The boy will be down here soon. He may be asleep, but he'll be here.
See? They brag! It's the most wonderful thing!
So you nod. You smile. You praise him some more. You sidle up close to him. Your smile grows. You whisper tantalizingly:
CHARON: I know something you don't know.
SUBJECT: You do?
CHARON: Yup.
Pause.
SUBJECT: What is it?
CHARON: It's gonna cost you.
Really, that's the best part. It's gonna cost you! It's gonna cost you! And he, your subject, is waiting, hungering, practically drooling for your information! And he inevitably says:
SUBJECT: How much?
CHARON: This is pretty great information.
Shake your head. Like you can't believe how great it is. Like it's so great it's going to cost him a lot.
Your subject will sigh, reluctantly, and offer you a price. Double it. Triple it if he's a raging egomaniac with a freaky evil plan for taking over the Underworld. He'll refuse. Shake your head, sigh, nod like you understand, and walk away slowly. He will inevitably say:
SUBJECT: Wait!
Turn gently, slowly, casually.
CHARON: Yes?
SUBJECT: All right, I'll pay.
Ah, now you have him. Lean close and whisper in his ear.
CHARON: Have you ever heard of the descendants of Prometheus?
Tell your story. Watch his eyes bug out. It is, after all, very good information. When you are done, collect your sizable fee and head back to your boat. Later you will go to the Palace and visit the scrawny, bony, woo-pitching, goo-gooeyed Hades and tell him you know something he does not.
CHAPTER 17
ZEE'S DESIRE TO GO OUT AND CONFRONT THE footmen lessened significantly after his sleepwalking adventure, or so he told Charlotte as they huddled up in his room afterward. Charlotte thought that sounded pretty sensible.
"Do you remember anything?" Charlotte asked.
"No," Zee said. "I was dreaming. I had to go somewhere… I had to open a door to get there, and I was heading to that door. That's all I know"
"Do you know where the door was? Or what it led to?"
Zee shook his head helplessly. Sighing heavily, he leaned back against the wall, then thumped his head against it for good measure. Charlotte raised her hand to the back of her head sympathetically.
After a minute or so Zee asked, "How did you find me?"
"Bartholomew!" Charlotte said. She told Zee the whole story, from waking up to find Mew on her face, to the cat's leading her right to Zee. Zee's face grew more and more incredulous, while Charlotte happily stroked the kitten, who was sleeping the sleep of the innocent.
When Charlotte had finished, Zee said quietly, "Doesn't that seem a little… weird?"
"Weird?" Charlotte said blankly.
"Amazing, even?" Zee studied her carefully. "Doesn't that seem like really amazing behavior for a cat?"
"Well, she's a great cat," Charlotte protested. Zee gave her a look, and she sighed. "Okay, yes. It is amazing behavior for a cat."
With that, Charlotte leaned against the wall. She and Zee alternated between casting sidelong looks at each other and staring off into space. She was always imagining people and things as supernatural somehow, but she was never really serious.
Finally Zee exhaled and asked, "So, are there any cats in Greek myths?"
"Not that I know of," Charlotte said. "There's an Egyptian cat. Bastet. I don't know anything about that, though." Elizabeth had a cat named Bastet, and Elizabeth said she was named after the Egyptian cat goddess, and that formed the beginning and the end of Charlotte's knowledge.
"Egyptian," Zee said dismissively.
"Yeah. No Greek. Maybe when Mr. Metos comes back, we can ask him?" She sneaked a look at Zee, who sneaked a look back at her. Both of them were thinking the same thing: When Mr. Metos comes back, or if he comes back? If those creeps could make a boy walk half a mile without even waking up, were they really going to be afraid of an English teacher? "Anyway, back to Mew"