As the bus swept away in a miasma of dirty gray exhaust smoke the inspector looked after him, smiling his fish smile, and did that Stan Laurel gesture with his hat again, flapping it on his chest in a mock-mournful, comic gesture that seemed both a farewell and-was it?-a caution.
8
PHOEBE GRIFFIN-IT HAD NOT OCCURRED TO HER TO CHANGE HER name to Quirke, and if it had she would not have done it-was unaccustomed to taking an interest in other people's lives. It was not that she considered other people entirely uninteresting, of course; she was not so detached as that. Only she was free of the prurience that seemed to be, that, indeed, must be, so she supposed, what drove gossips and journalists and, yes, policemen to delve into the dark crevices where actions tried to hide away their motives. She thought of her life now as a careful stepping along a thin strand of thrumming wire above a dark abyss. Balanced so, she knew she would do well not to look too often or too searchingly from side to side, or down-she should not look down at all. Up here, where she trod her fine line, the air was lighted and cool, a heady yet sustaining air. And this high, illumined place, sparse though it was, was sufficient for her, who had known enough of depths, and darkness. Why should she speculate about the crowd that she was aware of below her, gazing up in envy, awe, and hopeful, spiteful, anticipation?
She trusted no one.
Yet she found herself thinking, again and again, of Deirdre Hunt, or Laura Swan, and the manner of her death. The woman had been pleasant enough, in a brittle sort of way. Perhaps it was that very brittleness that had attracted Phoebe's sympathetic interest. But here she checked herself-sympathetic? why sympathetic? Laura Swan, or Deirdre Hunt, had never given her reason to think she was in need of anyone's sympathy. But she must have been in need of something, and in great need, helplessly so, to have ended as she had. Phoebe could not imagine what would have brought her to do such a thing, for even in her lowest times she had never for a moment entertained the possibility of suicide. Not that she did not think it would be good, on the whole, to be gone from this world, but to go in that fashion would be, simply, absurd.
Suicide. The word sounded in her mind now with the ring of a hammer falling on a dull lump of steel. Perhaps the fascination of it, for her, was merely that she had never known anyone personally, or in the flesh, at least-and certainly she had not known Laura Swan in anything other than appearance-who had vanished so comprehensively, who had become non-flesh, as it were, by one sudden, impulsive dive into darkness. Phoebe thought she knew how it would have been for the other woman, knifing through the gleaming black surface with lights sliding on it and plunging deep down, deeper and deeper, into cold and suffocation and oblivion. The diver would have felt impatience, surely, impatience for it all to be over and her to be done with; that, and a strange, desolate sort of joyfulness and satisfaction, the satisfaction of having been, in some paradoxical way, avenged. For Phoebe could not conceive of that young woman going to her death unless someone had driven her to it, wittingly or unwittingly, someone who now was surely suffering the cruel pangs of remorse. Surely.
It was five-thirty and the summer afternoon was turning tawny. Although her pride would not have allowed her to admit it, even to herself, this was, for Phoebe, the bleakest moment of the day, made bleaker by the sense of quickening all around her in the other shops up and down the street, where a multitude of other sales assistants were already eagerly pulling down blinds and shutters and turning the signs in the glass doors from OPEN to CLOSED. Now Mrs. Cuffe-Wilkes, the owner of the Maison des Chapeaux, came bustlingly from the back in a somehow pulsing cloud of the peach-scented perfume she wore, fluttering her eyelashes like sticky-winged butterflies and making little mmm mmm noises under her breath. She was going to a gallery opening, where a terribly talented young man was showing his latest drawings, and before that to the Hibernian Hotel for drinks and afterwards to dinner at Jammet's with Eddie and Christine Longford, among others. Mrs. Cuffe-Wilkes was a figure in society, and only the best people wore her hats. Phoebe found her amusing, and valiant in her way, and not entirely ridiculous.
"Aren't you going to close up, dear?" Mrs. Cuffe-Wilkes said. Her frock was a gauzy concoction of lemon-yellow chiffon, and above her right ear was perilously perched one of her own creations, a tiny pillbox in white and gold, with a spindly wire filament rising from it tipped with a tuft of silk shaped like an orchid, and pierced through by a long, pearl-headed pin. "That young chap of yours will be getting impatient." It was one of Mrs. Cuffe-Wilkes's fancies to insist that Phoebe must have a young man whose identity she was withholding and, indeed, whose very existence she denied, out of an incurable shyness.
Phoebe said: "I was waiting for you to go before I locked up."
"Well, I'm off now, so you're free to put him out of his misery."
She smiled teasingly-thirty years fell from her face with that smile-and shimmered forth into Grafton Street.
Phoebe lingered in the sudden desertedness of the shop. She put away some toques she had been showing earlier to an elderly, vague woman who obviously had no intention of making a purchase and had come in merely to while away a little part of another long and lonely day. Phoebe was always patient with such non-customers, the "afternoon callers," as Mrs. Cuffe-Wilkes witheringly dubbed them, the aged ones, the solitaries, the dotty, the bereft. Now she stood for a long moment looking vacantly out at the street of slanted shadows. There were times, such as this, when it was as though she had lost herself, had misplaced the self that she was and become a thing without substance, a mote adrift in motionless light. Now she blinked, and shook her head, and sighed at herself impatiently. Things would have to change; she would have to change. Yes-but how?
When she had locked the shop, making sure the dead bolt was in place, she turned in the direction of Anne Street. The old flower seller at the corner by Brown Thomas's was dismantling her stall. She greeted Phoebe, as she did every evening, and presented her with a leftover bunch of violets. As Phoebe walked on she held the flowers to her nostrils. They had begun to fade already and only the faintest trace of their scent remained, but she did not really mind since flowers, to her, always smelled disturbingly of cats.
She stopped opposite the optician's shop and looked up at the window on the first floor and the sign painted there in metallic lettering:
THE SILVER SWAN
BEAUTY AND BODY CARE
The window had a blank, deserted look, but she supposed that was only because she knew whom it had been deserted by, and in what manner. Strange, she thought again, this business of people dying. It happened all the time, of course, it was as commonplace as people being born, but death was surely a far deeper mystery than birth. To not be here and then to be here was one thing, but to have been here, and made a life in all its variousness and complexity, and then suddenly to be gone, that was what was truly uncanny. When she thought of her own mother-of Sarah, that is, whom she still regarded as her mother, just as, with somewhat less conviction, she considered Mal to be her father-she felt, along with the constant ache of loss and grief, a kind of angry puzzlement. The world for her had seemed so much larger and emptier after Sarah died, like an enormous auditorium from which the audience had departed and where she was left to wander lost and, yes, bereft.