Roddy Doyle
The Snapper
Meet the Rabbitte family, motley bunch of loveable ne’er-do-wells whose everyday purgatory is rich with hangovers, dogshit and dirty dishes. When the older sister announces her pregnancy, the family is forced to rally together and discover the strangeness of intimacy. But the question remains: which friend of the family is the father of Sharon’s child?
This book is dedicated to Belinda
— You’re wha’? said Jimmy Rabbitte Sr.
He said it loudly.
— You heard me, said Sharon.
Jimmy Jr was upstairs in the boys’ room doing his DJ. practice. Darren was in the front room watching Police Academy II on the video. Les was out. Tracy and Linda, the twins, were in the front room annoying Darren. Veronica, Mrs Rabbitte, was sitting opposite Jimmy Sr at the kitchen table.
Sharon was pregnant and she’d just told her father that she thought she was. She’d told her mother earlier, before the dinner.
— Oh — my Jaysis, said Jimmy Sr.
He looked at Veronica. She looked tired. He looked at Sharon again.
— That’s shockin’, he said.
Sharon said nothing.
— Are yeh sure? said Jimmy Sr.
— Yeah. Sort of.
— Wha’?
— Yeah.
Jimmy Sr wasn’t angry. He probably wouldn’t be either, but it all seemed very unfair.
— You’re only nineteen, he said.
— I’m twenty.
— You’re only twenty.
— I know what age I am, Daddy.
— Now, there’s no need to be gettin’ snotty, said Jimmy Sr.
— Sorry, said Sharon.
She nearly meant it.
— I’m the one tha’ should be gettin’ snotty, said Jimmy Sr.
Sharon made herself smile. She was happy with the way things were going so far.
— It’s shockin’, said Jimmy Sr again, — so it is. Wha’ do you think o’ this?
He was talking to Veronica.
— I don’t know, said Veronica.
— Is tha’ the best yeh can do, Veronica?
— Well, what do YOU think?
Jimmy Sr creased his face and held it that way for a second.
— I don’t know, he said. — I should give ou’, I suppose. An’ throw a wobbler or somethin’. But — what’s the point?
Veronica nodded. She looked very tired now.
Jimmy Sr continued.
— If she was—
He turned to Sharon.
— You should’ve come to us earlier — before, yeh know — an’ said you were goin’ to get pregnant.
The three of them tried to laugh.
— Then we could’ve done somethin’ abou’ it. — My God, though.
No one said anything. Then Jimmy Sr spoke to Sharon again.
— You’re absolutely sure now? Positive?
— Yeah, I am. I done—
— Did, said Veronica.
— I did the test.
— The test? said Jimmy Sr. — Oh.—Did yeh go in by yourself?
— Yeah, said Sharon.
— Did yeh? Fair play to yeh, said Jimmy Sr. — I’d never’ve thought o’ tha’.
Sharon and Veronica looked at each other, and grinned quickly.
Jimmy Sr got down to business.
— Who was it?
— Wha’?—Oh. I don’t know.
— Ah now, Jaysis—!
— No, I do know.
— Well, then?
— I’m not tellin’.
Jimmy Sr could feel himself getting a bit angry now. That was better.
— Now, look—
They heard Jimmy Jr from up in the boys’ room.
— THIS IS JIMMY RABBITTE — ALL — OVER — IRELAND.
— Will yeh listen to tha’ fuckin’ eejit, said his father.
— Leave him alone, said Veronica.
Jimmy Sr stared at the ceiling.
— I don’t know.
Then he turned to Sharon again.
— Why won’t yeh tell us?
Sharon said nothing. Jimmy Sr saw her eyes filling with water.
— Don’t start tha’, he told her. — Just tell us.
— I can’t, Sharon told the table.
— Why not?
— I just can’t, righ’.
Jimmy Sr looked across at Veronica and shook his head. He’d never been able to cope with answers like that. If Sharon had been one of the boys he’d have walloped her.
Veronica looked worried now. She wasn’t sure she really wanted to know the answer.
— Is he married? Jimmy Sr asked.
— Oh my God, said Veronica.
— No, he’s not! said Sharon.
— Well, that’s somethin’, I suppose, said Jimmy Sr. — Then why—
Veronica started crying.
— Ah Veronica, stop tha’.
Linda ran in.
— Daddy, Darren’s after hittin’ me.
She was getting ready to cry.
— Jesus! Another one, said Jimmy Sr.
Then he spoke to Linda.
— I’ll go in in a minute an’ I’ll hit Darren an’ you can watch me hittin’ him.
— Can I?
— Yeah, yeh can. Now get ou’ or I’ll practise on you first.
Linda squealed and ran away from him. She stopped at the safe side of the kitchen door.
— Can Tracy watch as well? she asked.
— She can o’ course. Now, your mammy an’ Sharon an’ me are havin’ a chat, so leave us alone.
Jimmy Sr looked at the two women. The crying had stopped.
— THIS IS JIMMY RABBITTE — ALL — OVER — IRELAND.
— Oh good Jesus, what a house! — Is he queer or wha’ is he? Jimmy Sr asked Sharon.
— No, he’s not. He’s alrigh’; leave him alone.
— I don’t know, said Jimmy Sr. — Tha’ gear he wears. He had his trous—
— That’s only the fashion.
— I suppose so. But, Jaysis.
He looked at Veronica. She just looked tired again.
— This is an awful shock, Sharon, he said. — Isn’t it, Veronica?
— Definitely.
— Make us a cup o’ tea there, love, will yeh.
— Make it yourself, said Veronica.
— I’ll make it, said Sharon.
— Good girl, said Jimmy Sr. — Mind yourself against the table there. Good girl. — You’re sure now he’s not married?
— Yeah, he’s not, said Sharon, at the sink.
— Then why won’t yeh tell us then?
— Look, said Sharon.
She turned to face him.
— I can’t, an’ I’m not goin’ to.
She turned back to plug in the kettle.
— Will he marry you? Jimmy Sr asked her.
— No. I don’t think so.
— The louser. That’s cheatin’, tha’ is.
— It’s not a game! said Veronica.
— I know, I know tha’, Veronica. But it’s his fault as much as Sharon’s. Whoever he is. — It was his flute tha’-
— Daddy!
— Well, it was.
— It’s no wonder they all talk the way they do, Veronica gave out to Jimmy Sr.
— Ah, lay off, Veronica, will yeh.
They heard a scream from the front room.
— Hang on till I sort this young fella ou’, said Jimmy Sr.
He marched out of the kitchen.
— He’s taking it well, said Veronica.
— Yeah, said Sharon. — So are you.
— Ah sure—
— I was afraid you’d throw me ou’.
— I never thought of that, mind you. — It’s not right though, said Veronica.
She looked straight at Sharon.
— I suppose it’s not, said Sharon.
Jimmy Sr came back, rubbing his hands and calling Darren a sneaky little bastard. He sat down and saw the tea waiting for him.
— Aah, lovely.
He sipped.
— Fuck! — Sorry, Veronica; excuse me. It’s very hot.
— He’s started saying Excuse me. After twenty-two years.