"Now were it a simple contest in gluttonie, betwixt this Attonce & this Wepenter, then Wepenter wd loose the daye perforce, for that he was but smalle, and Attonce exceeding large of bellie & appetite. But any Salvage, it was there custom, cd enter the lists by proxie, if willing proxie he cd find, and shd his champion then win the field, they wd share the throne & the favours of the Queene, but the proxie wd have no power to command. Thus had they alter'd antient practice, to the end they cd believe that the fattest man maketh the best King, and yet avoyd the consequences of there belief.
"It was by virtue of this custom, that Wepenter & his fellowes had lay'd hold of us, that we being strange in appearance, and sayling such a curious vessell, he took us for wonder-workers, and was desirous of choosing from our number one to playe his proxie on the morrowe. He declar'd it was Attonces troup, that had shot arrowes from the shoar to drive us off, what tyme milord Burlingame had leagu'd the Gentlemen behind him, to force us ashoar in quest of bellie-timber. Maugre my contention, that the look of the land was hostile. And Wepenter had call'd us Susquehannocks, merely to frighten his rivall out of appetyte.
"These & many other things I learn'd from this Wepenter, who then read me his conditions, on hearing I was Captain of the companie. To witt: that I was to be his proxie at the approaching feast. That shd I best Attonce in the matter of gluttonie, all my companions wd be freed, and we wd rule the towne conjoyntlie, and share the bedd of Pokatawertussan. That if, on the contrarie, I was beat by Attonce, then I & all my companie must needs dye forthwith at Attonces hands, for such was the custom amongst the Ahatchwhoops.
"I reply'd, that I was honour'd by his choyce, but poynted out I was slight of girth, and temperate of appetyte, not given to feats of gluttonie. Therefore, if he wd have a proxie, I suggested he choose not me, but examine our companie, and of there number choose the fattest & most gluttonous of aspect, for his proxie. This Wepenter did on the instant, and regarding all my souldiers & Gentlemen, while that they slept, stopt at length over Burlingame, even as I had design'd, and seeing that greate mountaine of dung, spread out & snoring like unto a swine in the wallow, Wepenter did make me a sign, this was his choyce. I commended his wisdome, and assur'd him, that with such a proxie, his victorie was certain, and he wd have at Pokatawertussan on the morrow. Thereupon we smoak'd severall pypes of tobacco by the fyre, and talk'd through the night of many an idle thing.
"When that I saw the dawn grow light without the hutt, I did wake Burlingame, ere the rest of the companie arose, and address'd him boastfullie in this wise. That I had deflowr'd Pocahontas before his eyes, and had farther layn with Hicktopeakes Queene, what tyme he had abandon'd her for harlot. He then enquir'd, in a fearsome choler, Wherefore had he to heare these things again? to wch I answer'd that even as I had out-done him in manlinesse on these occasions, so was I about to doe againe, for that there was that morn to be a contest, whereof the winner shd lie at his pleasure with a comelie Salvage wench, the dead Kings concubyne. On hearing these tydings, Burlingame grew much arows'd, and with much cursing & gnashing of teeth, did vilifye me, and at length resorted to his antient threat, even that shd I not stand aside this tyme, and lett him futter the Salvage in my stead, he wd straightwaye noyse about, in Jamestowne & the London Co my employer, the truth anent Pocahontas & Hicktopeakes Queene. I did replye, that I car'd not a whitt for all his threats (albeit in sooth things wd goe hard, did my enemies get wind of his foule storie). Besides wch, I declar'd I had no choyce in the businesse, for that the entyre companie, and the Salvage troup as well, had perforce to enter the lists, it being the wont of these Ahatchwhoops, thus to make a pryze of there comeliest lassies. He enquir'd, What manner of contest was it? and upon my telling him, that he won the mayd, who eat the hugest quantitie of food, he was entyrelie pleas'd, and did sweare, he wd eat twice over what any Salvage cd, & thrice what I or any of our companie might eate. That he was insatiable of appetyte, and had eat no food for two daies, and hence was certain to win the faire mayd. I did rejoyn, that tyme wd prove his boast, but for my selfe, all I car'd was that some one of our companie be victor, and not the great fatt Salvage of yesterdaye, for else we shd ail be put to the speere. Moreover, that shd he win the test, and so save all our lives, not onelie wd he enjoye the prettie peece with all my blessing, but I wd let bye-gones be bye-gones, and never againe bragg of my conquests, or his owne deficiencie. Farther, that I wd arrange matters with Pocahantas, that he shd trye her favours, when once we return'd to Jamestowne.
"These words fell sweet on the eares of Burlingame. He did growe doublie hott, for thinking of them. When I recall'd to him then, what was our fate shd Attonce win the daye, he reply'd, that he worry'd not a beane. That he cd eate any Englishman or heathen under the table. And he smack'd his greate stomacke with his hand, whereupon it set up such a clamour, one had guess'd all the feends of Hell therein. These things we spoke in English, that Wepenter might not heare & guesse my ruse.
"Somewhile after, our companie was awake, and the souldiers & Gentlemen compleyning of there bellies, that they had naught to eate. The Salvages did gather without the hutt, and a greate fyre built, and we were led outside by Wepenter, and seated in a half-circle, he behind Burlingame. Across from us satt down Attonce, all fatt and uglie he was, and with him a score of his cohorts, in another half-circle upon the grownd. Came then from a hutt hard by, Pokatawertussan, and sat down betwixt the half-circles, on a kind of rugg, to see who shd be her next bedd-fellowe. She was that same mayde, who on the day just past had quieted all harangue, merelie by raysing her armes & walking bye. Half cladd she was, and bedawb'd with puckoone paynt, after the manner of Salvage wenches, and so surpassing faire & tight withal, I had neare wish'd my selfe greate of gutt, to win her favours. At sight of her, Attonce let goe a mightie hollowing, and Burlingame, like the rest of us save onelie me, all naked, for that our shirts had mended our sayle in the storme, and our breeches flung to the fishes after our siege of fluxes & grypes in Limbo Strait, he was so taken with her, that he shook all over, and slaver'd over his lipps & sundrie chinnes. He whisper'd to me, not to tell the others what we were about, that they wd not contend with him, and I agreed with a right good will, for that I desir'd no man save Burlingame to win.
"Attonce then commenc'd to slapp his bellie with his hands, to the end he might arowse a grander lust for food, and seeing him, Burlingame did likewise, untill the rumbling of there gutts did eckoe about the swamps like the thunder of vulcanoes. Next Attonce, sitting cross-legged, did bump his buttockes up & down upon the earthe, farther to appetyze him selfe; Burlingame also, that he give his foe no quarter, and the verie grownd shudder'd beneath there awful bummes. Burlingame then blubber'd his lipps & snapt the joynt-bones of his fingers, and Attonce likewise. Attonce op'd & shutt his jawes with greate rapiditie, and also Burlingame. And thus they did goe on, through many a ceremonie, whetting there hungers, whilst our companie sat as amaz'd, not knowing what they witness'd, and the Salvages clapt there hands & daunc'd about, and Pokatawertussan look'd all lustilie from one to the other.