‘For God’s sake, Alan!’ Her mouth was angry. ‘My husband has died! You don’t get over something like that in a few minutes, you know.’
‘You loved him.’
She swallowed, and her answer was husky. ‘Aye. Ned is...was very lovable.’
Alan could only agree.
‘Why did Ned have to die, Alan?’
She sounded like a child crying at the night. Alan had no comfort to offer her.
‘I should have been there, Alan. I should have been with him.’
He made a swift, negative gesture. ‘No.’
‘I should. It’s your fault I wasn’t with him. If you hadn’t taken me outside...’
Her voice cracked, and brown, melancholy eyes met his. She was grieving, inwardly and in silence; and her grief hit him like a blow in his empty stomach. To think that he had once wished her and Ned unmarried. They were unmarried now, and just look at her. It wasn’t Ned who was the fool, Alan reflected sourly, but himself. He was a selfish, simple, bloody fool. If he were granted one wish now, it would be that he could master time and turn it back for her. He would do anything to lift that bleak misery from her eyes.
‘Oh, Alan, why did Ned have to die!’ Her control slipped for an instant, and Alan heard a small sob. ‘He swore he’d never leave me! He promised, Alan! And now he’s broken his word! It’s your fault.’
‘No!’
‘It is! I’ve no one now! No one!’
‘You have me,’ Alan said, taking her hands again. They were cold as blocks of ice.
‘You!’ she exclaimed, derisively to Alan’s ears.
He bit his lip and told himself that it was her grief that made her cruel. ‘And there’s Katarin, and Philippe,’ he continued. ‘You are not alone. You have your relatives in north Brittany. They’ll take responsibility for you. Ned wanted me to take you to them. I’ll happily oblige.’
‘I don’t want anyone to take responsibility for me,’ Gwenn muttered, with a flash of her old waywardness. ‘I want to take responsibility for myself. I want to be independent.’
Alan shook his head. Women never took responsibility for themselves, and with the world structured as it was, how could they? Her grief was unhinging her. ‘Take responsibility for yourself? You’re not serious, Gwenn. It is your loss talking. You cannot be independent, it’s impossible.’
Her eyes glittered. ‘Impossible? Why? You’re independent.’
‘It’s different for me.’ Alan smiled. ‘I’m a man. I can fight my own battles.’
‘You’re not taking me seriously.’
‘How can I? Such a notion is ridiculous.’
‘Why? Why is it ridiculous? All I want is to be an island, like you.’
‘An island?’ Was that how she saw him?
‘I like you, Alan. I admit that I don’t know you well, but I probably know you as well as anyone. I’ve watched you. You have no ties. You’re careful to keep your friends at a distance. And I’ve noticed that whatever happens, Alan le Bret never gets hurt. And that is because his feelings are never engaged. I have decided to become like you. I am going to be independent. I have been hurt enough, and Ned’s death is the last blow I shall take. From now on,’ she spoke as solemnly as a nun making her holy vows, ‘I shall be an island. I take responsibility for myself, and myself alone.’
Alan could tell her that that way led to damnation and misery, and he should know, he had trod the solitary path for years. To think that she, in her grief, was taking him for her model... But he had changed. He had rejoined the human race, and was allowing himself to feel. As ever, they were out of step. Would they ever be in step? ‘I think,’ he said slowly, ‘you need to rest. We should discuss this in the morning.’
‘Don’t patronise me! We’ll discuss it now.’
‘You’re overwrought.’
‘I won’t deny that. But I tell you this, I won’t let you cart me back to Ploumanach. Lady Wymark did not approve of Ned, but she would offer false sympathy, and I do not think that I could stand it. She will be glad I am not longer married to a mercenary, and after a respectable time has elapsed, she and my uncle will honour me by finding me another husband. Only this new husband will be respectable – a pot-bellied merchant or some such – because they want someone they can have at their board who will not embarrass them.’
Alan grimaced. ‘You paint a vivid image. But I trust Lady Wymark would not force you to marry against your will.’
‘Force? What is force? I agree that she would probably not drag me kicking and screaming to the church gate. No, she would not do that. But there are other, more subtler persuasions. As her guest, I would feel bound to repay her for her generosity to me and my family. In the end I would surrender, and I would marry the pot-bellied merchant, and I would have to spend my days breeding pot-bellied children, and...’ her voice was almost inaudible ‘...I do not want that. So my thanks, Alan, for offering to escort me to Ploumanach, but I do not wish to go.’
Deciding his best course was to go along with her and hope that by morning she would see reason, Alan said, ‘You will need money.’
Gwenn pointed at Sir Raoul’s purse. ‘Money, I have.’
Alan picked up the purse. The knight’s conscience had obviously pricked him, for it was heavy. ‘It won’t last forever.’
‘It will last long enough,’ Gwenn answered shortly. She had the contents of the Stone Rose and what remained in Waldin St Clair’s wallet, but she did not trust this rootless mercenary as she had trusted her husband, and she would not tell him about that.
‘You’ll need protection.’
She smiled sweetly at Sir Raoul’s purse. ‘I can buy it.’
‘And what will you do, Gwenn, with this independence of yours?’
‘I have a desire to go to England.’
‘To England?’
‘Aye.’ Her hand fluttered delicately to her stomach. ‘I would like to meet Ned’s mother, and tell her what a good man her son was. I want to tell her how brave he was, and that his last thoughts were of her.’
‘There’s no need for you to go to England,’ Alan interrupted curtly. ‘I’m homeward bound myself, and with Duke Geoffrey dead, there’s no reason for me to delay.’
‘Alan,’ gentle, brown eyes regarded him, ‘I’m sorry your Duke is dead. I am not the only one to have suffered this day. Ned was your cousin, and you have also lost your Duke. Do you have work, now Duke Geoffrey is gone?’
‘I can always find work. Gwenn, as I was trying to tell you, after meeting my brother I vowed to visit my father. I shall call on Ned’s mother and give her your messages. There’s no need for you to make the journey.’
Gwenn caressed her flat stomach and a secretive smile softened the contours of her mouth. ‘You are very kind, Alan, but I have another message, one that only I can deliver.’
He raised a brow.
‘I’m carrying Ned’s child. And I think that Ned’s mother would like to see her grandchild in the flesh, don’t you?’
‘You are pregnant? God’s blood, woman! If you’re with child, you’re insane to consider such a journey!’
‘The Duchess travels when she’s with child.’
‘Aye! And the Duchess has a litter, and waiting women, and scores of soldiers to protect her. But you...alone,’ Alan spluttered, ‘why you’d be a sitting duck for every renegade and outlaw between here and Richmond!’
‘No I won’t. I told you, Alan, I’ll hire good protection.’
‘And how will you judge if you can trust your protector, Gwenn? Jesu!’ Alan let fly a string of oaths. ‘You think you know the world, but you don’t. You’re still an innocent. Like as not you’ll hire the first unprincipled thief you run across, and he’ll take one look at that fat little purse of yours and relieve you of it, and you’ll be abandoned in the middle of Christ knows where.’
‘I’ll hire you.’
For a moment he thought he had misheard her. ‘What?’