A troll tells me that it’s lame.
It’s the same troll that doesn’t like football.
I’m only really going to watch because I want to be involved. I want to be a part of this wonderful event. I want to be positive.
But saying that seemed to get less likes and only more negative comments. I ignore the comments and I keep planning more of the livetweet.
It’s something to do.
It makes me feel engaged, in tune with today’s biggest cultural event.
Then I remember.
And that makes me stop planning.
I breathe in the cool 72 degree air.
I blink. I count how many times I blink in one minute.
I watch people walking. I watch people watching me.
They look away before I do.
I’m good at that game.
I don’t know if it’s really a game or not but I’m pretty good at it.
Since looking up from the laptop, I’ve amassed over three dozen notifications. Compulsively, I post:
Is this happiness?
I still have to call my boss.
This is my day off and all I can think about is yesterday. I determine that it doesn’t matter if I call or not. But then I can’t stop thinking about why it doesn’t matter and why I don’t feel like it doesn’t matter. Why do I feel so bothered by this? Look inside and I kind of like how dark it is in there, almost lightless. It’s predictable. I am 1 person inside, when outside, sitting here, I am one of 63 people on this street. The number changes quickly too—
67
45
10
28
89, which is probably because of the 2 train stopping every 15 to 20 minutes. It just stopped and it won’t stop for another 20 minutes maybe.
It varies and I spend more than a few minutes thinking about the reliability of the 2 train.
I come to the conclusion that its reliability is based on the reliability of the person operating it.
Two considerations: stay outside or go inside.
If I stay outside I have no phone to use and no way to call.
But then there’s always email. I don’t think that matters much though.
I look at the planned tweets.
Sometimes I am better at typing than I am at expressing myself.
What are the repercussions of skipping one day of work … if you work retail? Do I gain or lose points if I’ve worked at the same store for two years?
Does loyalty count for anything?
Does it count against me. I don’t think it will be a big deal because I don’t usually skip work. I am a man of routine.
I think my need to keep a routine prevents me from overstepping my boundaries.
I may be a little strange to people but I get the work done.
My boss probably accepts me at this point.
Please advise.
I look at the time, 3:58PM.
Friends and followers send me links, comment about their experiences, and occasionally tell me that I’m too strange to scare straight.
If I were to call, what do I say? What is considered a good excuse for missing work and not even calling?
I think I don’t care but maybe I’m just scared.
What does that make me?
What about email?
Does email suffice or is there no other way to compensate but via phone call? Email is the preferred means of communication these days. It would be strange, I gather, to call at the end of the day to apologize.
Right?
Sometimes you just have to do things that you don’t want to do. I think we do a lot of things that we don’t want to do but it isn’t until we notice this that it becomes so annoying. And so what if I’m afraid?
It’s tough to keep up sometimes.
So many days and so many possible ways to end up in a social situation that can change everything.
What I’m saying is, I’m worried and I think I’m going to email.
They all seem to empathize. I don’t like that word, empathy. I don’t know why but it makes me think of people going out of their way to inspect you, make you feel like you’re less of a person and more of an object, something being critiqued and judged.
One person says that I’m strange. One other person posts a GIF of someone in a straitjacket dancing to some pop music track flashing the words, YOUR COOL. I don’t know what that is; I just note that it should have been “You’re,” not “your.” Don’t know if that was intentional or not.
I look at the street below, 52 people. 2 dogs. 1 dog barking, 1 dog peeing on a lamppost.
The store closes in three and a half hours. Is that really enough time?
The more I type the more I think I am getting to something.
There’s something to this, and it’s a feeling that isn’t fear but it isn’t not fear. You know? It’s also not really worry but it’s also a little bit of worry.
But then I think and almost believe that I don’t care about my job.
If I didn’t care about my job, I wouldn’t feel this way.
What does this mean?
This part doesn’t get a whole lot of likes.
In fact, I only get three.
One comment. Make that two.
First: It means yous a strange motherfucka.
Second: Please stop whining. We all go through this shit.
I feel sort of angry by this. I guess.
I type out an explanation but then I delete it after I see the word “self conscious.” I look at the building facing me.
Someone opens one of her windows.
Sees me and then closes the window immediately.
I find myself nodding, agreeing to something unsaid.
The email is sent at 4:30PM. Boss replies at 4:45PM. I spend the fifteen minutes reading the various horror stories of work- related emailing on a site linked to me via one of my posts.
In the email, I apologize.
I make it sound honest.
I don’t know why it would be anything but honest.
In the apology, I use the funeral.
I almost forget to name the best friend.
“Andrew.”
I even use a last name but I don’t remember his last name so I use a name I find in my friends list.
“Andrew Brossard.”
It sounds like a real person, right?
It is a real person.
The reply email is eight lines less than mine.
It is one line long. Boss just says—
“We’ll discuss this in the morning. This is unacceptable.”
I reread the email four times.
I should say something. I should email back.
But I don’t.
I feel relieved, to have emailed my boss.
That’s the responsible thing to do.
My boss replied and said it’s unacceptable.
A lot of people comment with their own apologies, saying that they are sorry and that to be careful with what I say and do tomorrow at work.
I make a note of this but I feel relieved.
I feel like the email was positive.
I look at the time. It’s past 5PM now.
Sun is lower, and the colors are more orange than bright yellow. This is the time of day where I usually go outside. Meant to say, this is the time of day where I am outside because I walk home. I walk home all the time. I don’t take the subway. A subway train will almost always have at least 35.5 people. That’s too many people. A sidewalk, on the other hand, has anything from 0 people to more than the subway train.