SIOBHÁN SAID they were going to go out properly at Christmas. She hadn’t had a proper night out since her going-away do with the fatarses from the hospital. And that was crap, because only three of them came and they were as dry as shites. They talked about babies all night! Who wants to spend a whole night out talking about babies? God, like. Two fellas come over at one stage and they were really funny, and one of them, God he was gas, was messing around and he just rubbed his hand sort of by accident really off one of their arses and she screeched like a banshee and the bouncer came over and told the fellas to get out and like, so what if he did feel her arse, he was a fella, that’s what they do, he wasn’t trying to rape the silly bitch and she should have been grateful, anyway, that anyone wanted to put their hand on her scabby old arse, never mind a ride of a fella. God, like.
Johnsey pictured himself grabbing that ride of a fella’s hand and twisting it around until his wrist snapped like a dry twig and he went off bawling like a child with a kicked arse for himself and his hand on backwards and he wouldn’t be so funny then, he wouldn’t be the big gas man then, over talking smart to girls and taking liberties and thinking he was God’s gift. Johnsey would put manners on him.
No he wouldn’t. He wouldn’t say a word to him. If he was ever in a pub or a disco or one of them places with Siobhán and some smartyhole came over all auld chat and was trying to get off with her, what would he do? Probably he’d stand up like an eejit and get redder and redder until someone asked him was he okay and the smartyhole would look at him and smirk and Siobhán would roll her eyes in crossness and the smartyhole fella would smirk back at her and she’d get thick with him for leaving her down opposite people and looking like a lunatic and what the hell was wrong with him, anyway, she was only talking for God’s sake. Maybe if Mumbly Dave was there as well with his teacher wan it’d be okay because Mumbly Dave would be able to say something smart to your man and make little of him and sure in all fairness if they were all out together they’d be like proper people on a night out and no one would be over schmoozing with Siobhán and being gas and making her laugh the way he wasn’t able to.
Siobhán wanted to go in to this restaurant in the city. They have a mural downstairs of Venice, and you can sit in this corner, surrounded by the mural, and it’s nearly like being in Venice! And they do the nicest carbonara you ever tasted. What the hell was carbonara? How would he order something that was wrote down in a foreign language? Probably he’d ask for something and he’d think he was saying it right but the waiter wouldn’t be able to make out what he was saying and he’d say Pardon me, sir, and Johnsey would have to say it again, and your man still wouldn’t hear him and he’d be kind of smiling at him and he’d lean his Italian ear right in to Johnsey’s mouth and he’d accidentally roar it out into his ear and your man would jump back and look frightened of him and people at other tables would stare over and your man would say That’s not a main course, sir, it’s a type of ice cream, and he’d snigger and Siobhán would laugh and people at other tables would laugh as well and shake their heads, and he’d wish he’d done away with his stupid self while he’d had the impetus that time.
THE BIG FIGHT happened on the second-last Friday before Christmas. Siobhán told him to text Mumbly Dave and ask him to know would he bring the teacher wan up to the house so they could have a look at her. She said she was in no rush home; she could even stay over if they had a drink. It was Friday night, for God’s sake. They were staring Christmas in the face! She couldn’t stay in one of those creepy rooms on her own, though; she’d have to sleep in with him. Aw, she said, am I after embarrassing you love? Don’t worry, I won’t jump on you! I hope you have fresh sheets on your bed! He hadn’t changed them in weeks and weeks. Christ. Balls. Then she said she was going to run down to the off-licence and would she bring back a Chinese and he said Grand, and she said What will you have, and he said Beef curry and chips, and she said Typical man and laughed but it was a nice laugh and thank Christ, now he’d be able to change the sheets and tighten up the room above and hide Dwyer’s magazine.
She was going to stay the night. In his bed. Oh, Lord. Would she be in her knickers or what? He horsed a shovel of coal and two logs into the fire. Imagine if the back boiler broke. She’d want about five blankets. Or she mightn’t stay at all in the cold. Oh, Mother of Christ. An actual girl, in his bed.
Will u call up 2 nite he sent Mumbly Dave.
Im goin to town u sir Mumbly Dave sent back straight away.
Bring ur 1 back here n stay over. He had that idea himself. How’s it he’d never thought before of asking Mumbly Dave did he want to stay? Himself and the teacher wan could easily sleep in the big double bed in the spare room. It had hardly been used since the Yanks stayed that time. He’d put fresh sheets on that bed too. He was starting to feel a bit excited. He was having a few people around. He was throwing a party. He was entertaining. He was in his hole. He was doing what he was told.
OK sound said Mumbly Dave. Still and all, though, it was going to be great craic. Mumbly Dave and Siobhán would have to call a halt to that auld sniping with your wan around. Mumbly Dave would be as high as a kite, trying to make two women laugh. All Johnsey’d have to do would be laugh. He could worry about the sleeping part after. There was no point thinking about it. That kind of thing all comes natural, anyway. That’s what Daddy said one time abroad in the yard when Mother told him he had to have a talk with the boy about the facts of life. He’d heard Mother telling him in the back kitchen: You have to, Jackie. He can’t be going around like a gom, not knowing what does what. But Daddy didn’t want to, he said Yerra them teachers tells them all that stuff these days. Mother said They do in their arses, now tell him what’s what and be done with it. Daddy said how no one had had to feckin tell him. Signs on, Mother said. For a finish, Daddy turned around to him at the milking-parlour door and said Don’t worry about all that auld craic with women and sex and what have you, that all comes natural. All right? Grand. Good man. Come on so till we get these cows milked.
SIOBHÁN ARRIVED and backed her car right up to the front door. She had the world of drink inside in the boot. They ate their Chinese fine and quick and she drank a glass of wine with hers and he drank a can of Harp with his. Then he threw the dishes into the sink and started to tighten up a bit. Siobhán said he was some fusspot; it was only Mumbly Dave and some slapper that was coming, not the pope and the queen. But before she could finish, Mumbly Dave drove in to the yard and she skipped over to the window and looked out and said Aw for fuck’s sake, where is she? Either she’s a dwarf or he hasn’t brought her. Ah shit, anyway! We have to listen to Mumbly Dave for the night for nothing!