The next day was better. My mind was a lot less fuzzy when I was woken by my primary medic, who gave me a follow this light with your eyes test which is becoming very familiar, then took the tubes out of me, and let me eat mush. They checked how I was at sitting up, and helped me to the bathroom and back. I napped again after the medics had cleared me, and next time I woke Maze was with me.
"First Squad have roster to sit with me?" I asked, and he looked over and gave me one of his superb smiles.
"Not that formal, but we are taking turns, yes. You’re more yourself than last time we spoke."
That confused me. "Don’t remember last time." I reviewed my log later and Maze had been sitting with me very early on, and I’d said a few disconnected things to him in English which don’t make sense even to me.
"Doesn’t matter." He gave me another smile, and I could tell he was weighing up what kind of state I was in mentally. "The arrow was a very clever idea."
"I thought that until started building it. Too hot there. Luck not very good in picking which platform escape through."
"Anything that let you get away from the Cruzatch was a good choice," he said, looking away from me briefly. He hates the Cruzatch so much. "Do you feel up to answering some questions? Things the log couldn’t cover."
I shrugged. "Nothing else in my schedule."
"All right. Did you actively try to use the first platform, or feel any sensation of effort when using it?"
"No. Was just standing there hoping the Ddura would be not as loud as usual, and then everyone vanished. Didn’t feel effort at all." I anticipated his next question, adding: "When I got there, I looked into water, then tried to go back. Then Cruzatch turned up and I tried to go back more, and then I ran away. Not sure why didn’t work. When on next platform, didn’t feel any effort, but I was trying to make it work."
He asked me a few other questions – why I’d changed direction toward the bathroom, and how I’d decided where to look for the other platforms – watching me carefully the entire time. Very worried about me.
Eventually I said: "Not going to break down."
His expression was wry. "Do you know, just watching your log was an ordeal? You can’t expect to come through something like that without after effects."
"If you sat through whole thing, will know did plenty breaking down already." But I sighed, and looked away from him. "Going to have more nightmares. And, that probably Lantaren school-city Kalasa, yes? Place most want find."
"Your grammar deteriorates when you’re upset."
He said it with an air of discovery, which did upset me, and I gave him an angry glance.
"We’re not going to let you get into a situation like that again, Caszandra." He touched my cheek and I realised I’d started crying without even noticing, and then of course I cried all over him, which I’d particularly wanted not to do. I ended up feeling thoroughly sick and exhausted, but somehow better.
Not that I believe for a moment that they won’t stand me back up on a platform if they can’t find Kalasa any other way. I know the Setari will be with me, but there’s no way to be sure I won’t end up in the same place, alone.
I’m working on not thinking about that, about being comforted and relaxed, since I’m hoping to be allowed out of infirmary tomorrow and they’re not going to clear me if I act even a little like I’m scared to be alone.
Wednesday, May 7
Annivarming
A week with nothing but medical appointments and some mild training in my schedule. My skin is still peeling thanks to my thorough sunburning, and the infection took a day or two to kill off, but while I’m physically run down (again), and my ankle is covered in this blue spray-on bandage because of the deeper burns there, I wasn’t badly injured this time around. They’ve been feeding me horrible-tasting nanite restorative drinks which seem to have helped a lot, and thankfully Zee was allowed to spring me from the medical facility this morning. I’m so sick of constant monitoring. She also brought me a change of clothes and told me she had a surprise for me.
"What kind of surprise?" I asked. Not, to tell the truth, at all keen on surprises at the moment.
"How is it a surprise if I describe it to you first? Get dressed and you’ll find out all the sooner."
The clothes were new – a pair of black Capri-style pants, sandals, and a really nice silky top with a gorgeous print of a bird with blue and black wings.
"Is this yours?" I asked, pulling open the door of the ensuite. "So pretty."
"It’s yours," Zee said, pleased. "That’s my part of the surprise."
"Thank you," I said, startled and a bit doubtful. "Congratulations on not dying present?"
"Anniversary," she said, flicking my chin lightly for making silly comments. "It’s been a year since you were found on Muina. Well, a year and three days, but we figured you’d prefer to do this when you could get out of bed."
Taren years: a little over four months. "Seems like longer," I said, and hugged her. "Thank you. I promise not to draw on it."
"You’ll be hearing from me if you do." She led me out of the medical facility back to the living quarters. We got off the elevator on the level where First Squad’s quarters were, but instead of heading straight down the corridor, we circled to the other side of the elevator shaft.
"They’ve moved up activating Fourteenth Squad to next week," Zee said. "Since they’ve finished your quarters."
"Different quarters?" On the same level as First Squad. I liked that idea, more than being on a floor where I hadn’t been introduced to anyone.
"It’s the same pattern as ours still, just with even more shielding. We brought your things down."
"Is an anniversary and a housewarming all at same time."
"Housewarming?"
"When move into new house, friends come over and have a party."
"Then, yes, a housewarming."
It was, too, and more than First Squad were waiting for me. Zan was there, and parts of Fourth Squad, Second Squad and Eighth Squad. We barely all fit in my new apartment. And the apartment wasn’t quite the same pattern as everyone else’s, because it had a big round window (not openable or anything) with the wall cut into a smooth cup underneath it: a window seat. And there were rugs, and masses of really lush cushions, which were presents from everyone. Zan gave me a set of actual, physical books by an author she said she thought might be one I would like – that was very cool because books still don’t really seem like mine if there’s not paper involved. And Sonn produced a familiar statue and handed it to me.
"My pippin!" I must have sounded totally astonished, because they laughed. "Thought weren’t allowed to take anything from Muinan sites?"
Sonn looked highly embarrassed, but pleased that I was so pleased. "An exemption was given for this piece," she said. "I gather you’re meant to think of it as a permanent loan rather than a possession."