I was really happy. I would have asked for my pippin ages ago if I thought they were willing to give it to me. And there was not-healthy food and tingly drinks, and everyone was all relaxed and chatty and made me embarrassed by being so nice to me and of course I fell asleep in the middle of it. I woke late in the afternoon in my new bedroom (half-buried in all the big soft cushions) and lay there for a while looking at my pippin statue, which had been set on the bedside table almost as if it was watching over me. I really like having things. So much of Tare is interface-only.
Ruuel wasn’t at my party. He and Halla have been sent off to Unara to be psychic detectives, and the rest of Fourth Squad is killing time giving guidance training to the elder Kalrani, taking them into the spaces. Then they have some belated leave, a whole week to do whatever they want. I guess most will visit their families. I don’t know if Ruuel would have come to the housewarming if he’d been at KOTIS headquarters. I’m pretty sure he’s trying to quietly discourage me by keeping me at a distance. And yet, I’m also almost certain that he was the one who knew that I regretted not bringing my pippin statue, and arranged for me to have it back.
I haven’t been dreaming of him lately, because I’ve been having so many nightmares, but I consistently wake up feeling his absence, knowing that he’s not anywhere near me. Stupid of me, but I’ve stopped fighting it. Wanting Ruuel to be there is just a part of who I am right now. It’s hardly the first time I’ve liked someone who didn’t like me back.
If I had any sense I would have fallen hard for Maze. He’s got to be the nicest guy I’ve ever met, and certainly one of the best looking. He always makes me feel accepted and safe and makes me smile and he coped with me crying all over him really well, and I have to admit that I didn’t mind being squeezed against his chest. But I can’t imagine kissing him.
Well, yeah, I can, but it doesn’t make me feel the same way as I do thinking about Ruuel. Not even close.
When I list reasons for liking Ruuel, the first thing that comes to mind is that he doesn’t hesitate to criticise me, which sounds wrong, but just means he treats me as adult enough and smart enough to be told when to lift my game. And Maze treats me like a younger sister that he really wants to protect.
That’s kind of overstating it. Ruuel also gives a lot of leeway to my psychological aspects, I suspect, and Maze does go all captain on me occasionally. I don’t know. It’s not as if wanting Maze would be a good idea either.
Thursday, May 8
Scar
Very mild training with Mara today, quite similar to what I was originally doing with Zan. It’s almost Tai Chi. Afterwards she went with me to my medical appointment, and talked about the hand mark burned into the skin around my ankle. Taren medical technology is more than equal to healing it without a scar, and there shouldn’t be a trace within a month.
I like chatting to Mara. She probably has to report on our conversations afterwards, but at least she doesn’t act like she’s just waiting for me to get upset. But she also said she’s not going to go so easy on me in combat training from now on, because I obviously can fight when I want to. I think that’s tremendously unfair.
Friday, May 9
In the ducts
I made a huge mistake watching a documentary about how Unara’s air-conditioning works. Such a big city requires really serious, complex and fail-safe systems. Not only to make sure clean air gets in, but so all the fumes and smells and heat don’t get trapped. All that was interesting, and I recognised one of the wind tunnels from a rotation, but then they explained how they keep the ducting clean. To prevent dust clogging it all up, they’ve made these nanotech slime mold things which live in the ducts sort of constantly licking them. That’s bad enough, but it’s not just the ducting which is kept clean that way - it’s all the rest of the Taren’s cities as well. When apartments are unoccupied, the slime crawls out of the air inlets and eats all the dust and grot in the rooms. People call them yannar, which is a Taren slang word for snot, and fits way too well.
I did NOT need to know that. I’m so glad there’s no outlets right above my bed. I’m so sorry I even glanced in the direction of the countless horror movies based on things yannar might try to clean. Taren horror movies are almost all about Ionoth or nanotech.
While not staring obsessively at ducting, I’ve been curled up reading the books Zan bought me. I wasn’t really into the first one at the start, but the main characters grew on me. It’s set on a world called Lithia, and though the people are ex-Muinan and psychic, they’re dealing with the problems of their new world, not Ionoth, and there’s a nice dose of magic and mysticism mixed in with the science. I don’t know if she was thinking of my psychological aspects or not, but Zan hit on a gift which really made me feel settled, and less keyed up. Even though it’s in a different language, holding a book is such a familiar, comfortable thing for me. Like crying all over Maze, I guess it was something I needed.
It didn’t take Ghost long to find my new apartment. She seems to like it, especially the window seat, and buried herself in the cushions, keeping a watch on the storms. It’s still night on Tare, but there’s been some spectacular lightning. Even though all the sound is blocked out so I can’t hear the thunder, I love having a window.
Saturday, May 10
Stressing
Horrible nightmares last night. Of drowning, and then being so thirsty. I gave up in the middle of my sleep shift and watched the first few hours of dawn and wished Ghost hadn’t gone off somewhere. Training again with Mara today, and more medical exams than seems really necessary. They’ve moved on to brain scans, and there’s yet another greysuit trying to debrief me. Really, if they want to check how I’m coping mentally they’d be far better off having Ista Tremmar chat with me, instead of some woman I’ve never met before.
The more nightmares I have, the less I want to talk.
Sunday, May 11
Flinch
Today I had lunch with Zan and the only other girl in her squad, Dess Charn. Just a chat about Arenrhon and how I survived my visit to Kalasa. Dess, who doesn’t like swimming at all, was very struck by my flippers and webbed fingers and doesn’t see why they should do swimming training without using such a useful modification.
Zan listened to her thoughtfully, and said they would include the flippers in their next underwater manoeuvres training, but was absolute about the need to increase speed with surface, non-enhanced swimming. Zan’s very good at giving orders. She took my afternoon training session instead of Mara, too, which felt very strange to me. It’s been so long since those early sessions with Zan, and I found myself occasionally glancing up at the observation window half-expecting to see people looking down at me.
I’m a lot improved physically. Not halfway fit or anything, but I’m well past getting shaky just because I’m walking. Zan said as I left that she’d be glad to go swimming with me next time I went, and can’t know how what she said struck me. I don’t want to go swimming. The idea gets me all upset.