And that bothers me a lot.
Monday, May 12
Desensitisation
After this morning’s medical tests, today was a free day for me, since First and Twelfth were both on rotation. I brooded in my room for a while, watching it raining outside, the ocean pounding thunderously, then booked the pool and went swimming.
I took a breather with me, but at the start just swam around the surface. It was a long time before I could make myself use the breather and slowly swim down through the obstacle course to the bottom of the pool. It wasn’t easy: I had to constantly fight down this urge to kick frantically for the surface. But I’d gotten angry at myself for being like that, and stuck it out until I was all the way at the bottom and then I lay there for a little while taking deep breaths and telling myself I was okay with swimming now.
"Come to the surface."
A text from Ruuel, curt as usual, and unexpected enough that I didn’t move immediately. With a sense that I was about to get a lecture, I started back up, only just remembering to stop at the marked spots where you have to wait to avoid getting decompression sickness, though I’m not sure if the pool is so deep you would really get the bends from it. It takes over five minutes if you stop at these points for as long as it says, which gave me plenty of time to make guesses on what he was going to say, wonder why I had to come to the surface for him to say it, and to school myself not to just look totally happy that I got to see him.
I could see a blurry black shape, standing on one side the pool, but remembering how at a disadvantage I’d felt looking up at Kajal, I surfaced a few metres back from the edge only to find he’d dropped to his heels to avoid towering over me. He studied me as I moved a little closer, eyes their usual half open flatness, then said: "Why do this when the squads you’re working with are in the Ena?"
I don’t know whether it’s his Sights or simply being very smart which allows him to jump ahead like that. He didn’t need to be told what I was trying to do, and so went straight to the things which were less obvious.
"Because I feel safer when Setari are with me," I said. "Would defeat purpose."
"So would fainting at the bottom of the practice pool."
That annoyed me: it’s not as if I’d have gone in the pool if I was feeling tired or sick. "Haven’t fainted in days," I said. "Fourth Squad not on leave any more?"
"Another five days."
"Just like wearing uniform?"
He glanced down, well aware that I was moving ground to avoid more lecture, but only said: "This is the middle of my sleep shift."
He meant he was wearing the uniform because it was quick to put on, and he’d been woken up and sent down here to get me to stop putting myself at risk. I felt my face go really hot.
"Sorry."
Ruuel shook his head, then stood. "Confine yourself to the upper five delar," he said, and walked off.
He was out of the room before I remembered I wanted to thank him for my pippin. I could have just sent him a message through the interface, but it wasn’t the same, so I put my breather back in and dropped back under water and spent about ten minutes being massively upset.
It wasn’t a particularly rational response. After all, instead of telling me I had to have people with me when I went swimming, or telling me off for doing things which someone had obviously considered dangerous, he’d just put a sensible limit on it and left me to it. But I felt bad that he’d been woken up on his holiday because I need babysitting.
And because I do need babysitting right now.
After a while it occurred to me that being upset had distracted me from being underwater. I’m still not keen to go swimming, but I didn’t think I was going to achieve anything more hanging around in the pool. Plus I felt really exhausted by then, so I went back to my room and fell asleep. And had horrible nightmares about being chased.
And now I’m wondering if I’ve stopped being on second level monitoring and have been switched to third leveclass="underline" someone watching me all the time. What, after all, had made them send Ruuel to get me to stop experimenting if they hadn’t been watching me do it? And that’s upset me even worse than before and I have to think of some way to calm myself down before Maze inevitably shows up and wants to talk over yesterday. I’m lucky I was asleep when First Squad finished their rotation.
Tuesday, May 13
Facing facts
About five minutes after he woke up, Maze sent me a chat message asking if he could come talk to me. I said Sure, but as soon as he walked in, I asked: "Have I been put on a higher level of monitoring?"
"You’re on a live vitals monitor," he said, not missing a step as he came to sit with me in my window seat. "And locations monitor. A greatly elevated heartbeat at the bottom of the training pool was guaranteed to gain attention."
"Extra monitoring permanent?"
"Few things are permanent." He sighed, looking me over. "I know it chafes you, Caszandra. And that you’re used to a great deal more independence than we’re likely to ever permit you. But even if you were fully recovered, I’d prefer you not try such experiments alone."
"Needed to do that alone, in case have to do it alone," I said, stubbornly. "Agree probably shouldn’t have gone so far down."
I could see him decide not to argue the point, instead shifting to the reason I had to think about it at all. "The aerial search for Kalasa has only just begun," he said. "Are you so certain we’ll fail to find it?"
"Fairly sure," I said. "Would rather not pretend it’s not strong possibility that will have to get back on platform. Easier to prepare for worst and then be glad if doesn’t happen."
He had to concede that was common sense, and we talked a while about the likely approach if they can’t find Kalasa any way except through me. Finding Kalasa as quickly as possible is one of the highest priority tasks on Muina, because if there’s one place that’s sure to have information about the platforms and Pillars, it’s the place the platforms all lead.
If they do decide to try and use the platforms to get there, they’ll first see if it’s another level of security clearance and whether it’s possible for me to give the Setari clearance. If that doesn’t work, it will get a good deal more chancy, and most likely they’d give me some kind of weapon (and food and water and a breather and a really powerful location booster), and then see if I can bring through a Setari in physical contact with me.
They’re not keen on that option. But Maze admitted that it was possible I would be asked to do it. We went off to breakfast, and then he had to go do captainly things and I had medical appointments and later training with Mara. I’m feeling better than yesterday. Going into the water was a hurdle I needed to get through, and though I think it’ll be a while before I go swimming for fun, I at least know I can handle it.
I’m coping.
Wednesday, May 14
Yesterday, Today, Tomorrow
I think last Sunday was Mother’s Day. I was so caught up I forgot all about it. So happy belated Mother’s Day, Mum. I probably would have bought you another flowering plant, since I know you like them better than cut flowers. Francesca, maybe, since the last one met a sudden death by Jules.