Mori also said that I was right about Sonn being very upset. The episode had shown her as an obedient henchman to Ruuel’s villain, and though no words were put in her mouth she was taking it badly. Ruuel’s only comment, apparently, has been to say that he expected them to have more sense. He’s been working Fourth unusually hard, though, which is the same tactic Mara uses on me when she thinks I’m fretting.
I wondered if the other squads – particularly Fifth – had been openly enjoying themselves at Fourth’s expense, but Mori hasn’t reached the point of being willing to talk about other squads with me. And I, in turn, am far too cautious to ever directly question her about Ruuel.
Generally a quiet day for me. Training with Mara, and medical tests, which are fortunately becoming a trifle less frequent. Lots of reading about me, and also about Arenrhon. Since the Lantarens were very unpopular on Tare and Kolar anyway, all this has done has confuse people and confirm their opinions that the Lantarens were to blame for the loss of Muina.
Saturday, May 24
Tenth Squad
Tenth Squad today. Tenth was the squad who went with Twelfth to rescue everyone at the Pillar. It brought a lot of memories back to work with them again. Their squad leader, Haral, is this calm, soft-spoken guy and I’d already had a demonstration of him being very good in an emergency.
We went through the testing quite thoroughly, even though all of Tenth had enhanced with me during the retrieval, and then did a bit of managing-the-stray combat training since we’re here. Tenth has a Telekinesis talent, Mane, and a Levitation talent, Tens, who are both female and shorter than me and we were all finding it funny working out comfortable ways for them to cart me about.
Another team lunch afterwards, and again lots of questions about Kalasa. It’s always easy to the spot the captain in the squad: the one keeping a watchful eye on me to see if I’m going to burst into tears. I don’t particularly mind talking about Kalasa, though I do wonder why the Setari feel the need to ask me questions when they’ve obviously all watched the log of me stumbling around the place. I was glad when it turned into a more general discussion about the Lantarens, and whether the people at Arenrhon were some kind of weird sub-cult or something known to all Lantarens.
I started to fall asleep, so Haral sent his squad off and escorted me back to my quarters.
"Thank you for indulging them," he said, as we rode the elevator down. "Are you facing the same interrogation from every squad you test with?"
"Some still in the must-be-very-proper stage," I said, and he gave me an amused smile.
"We’re working to adapt. We’ve been very well trained to deal with Ionoth, and each other, but not extraordinary girls from other worlds who keep completely altering the scope of our lives."
"Am pretty typical Australian," I said, opening my door to hide my embarrassment.
"Oztralya must be a disconcerting place, then," he said, then was distracted by a really spectacular lightning bolt outside. "There’s certainly few on Tare who could bear that in their living quarters, for instance. Let alone survive what you’ve endured."
His voice was still soft and calm, but very definite, and I was all of a sudden aware that he was an attractive person my own age, and these were my rooms. But I pushed all that aside and just said: "Is a thick window." Blushing madly, of course.
He smiled again, nodded, and left. After the door closed, I shut off the lights and sat in my window seat, watching another incredible lightning bolt.
I couldn’t decide if Haral was just being straightforwardly complimentary, or quietly indicating that he rather liked and admired me. Something in the way he’d said it just felt…charged. He is a Lightning talent, heh.
It’s hard to decide how I feel about the possibility. I was impressed by Haral during the retrieval, and I liked the comfortable way he worked with me today. He’s sort of relaxing, made me feel at ease. He’s fairly typical Taren in looks: golden skin and black hair, though with just the faintest hint of a curl, and his eyes are a clear, light brown. Like all the Setari, he looks very fit and impressive in his uniform. I would have felt immensely happy, back on Earth, if someone like him had shown any sign of liking me.
I fell asleep on my window seat, under the lightning, and dreamed of Ruuel. Not one of the good dreams, but of being in a palace full of towers and balconies, looking for him. I’d see him through a window and spend a small forever finding my way to where he was, but by the time I got there he was gone. Over and over, and I knew he was doing it deliberately, leaving whenever I came near him, and I woke up crying and ashamed.
Frankly, I’d rather have the dreams about lions. I really need to accept what my subconscious seems to be trying to tell me. Wish I could figure out how to do that, and stop working myself up like this.
I slept way too long – it’s quite late. The next episode of The Hidden War is in a few hours. I don’t know if I’ll watch it after all.
Sunday, May 25
Endorphins
I wasn’t paying enough attention in training today and got a big whack on my shoulder. Mara made me do push-ups for punishment, which I was oddly pleased about, since it means she considers me recovered enough to punish.
I’m in a more optimistic mood today than I have been for a while. I read back through a lot of my diary last night, and decided that, after all, I haven’t been chasing after Ruuel. I’ve never gone looking for him, or bugged him. I just think about him a lot and who does that hurt? Him being woken up because of my swimming experiment was bothering me, I suspect. The higher-ups seem to consider him my assigned captain when First Squad isn’t around, but I can be careful not to do anything which might require a lecture when First is on rotation, and that should fix that problem. I’m damned if I’m going to keep feeling bad about liking Ruuel if I do absolutely nothing to bother him.
My overall health really effects my mood too. Concentrating on school and training helps, and though the training leaves me sore and wiped out, it’s also an active, positive thing. I felt so sporty today, having one of the Setari’s physiotherapists rubbing their equivalent of Tiger Balm onto my back and doing some painful poking-fingers-into-muscles which hurt in a good way. And I doubt I would have survived all that swimming if I hadn’t been fitter than I was on Earth, so I’ll focus on at least getting back to that level as my next goal.
The Hidden War episode turned out to be uneventful, switching back to the characters from the main cast doing another mission. There was a brief mention of Squad Indigo and a mission to Muina to investigate a Ddura. They called Lastier that cold bastard and mentioned that all Indigo had achieved on the trip was to find a stray, but the episode’s focus was firmly on other things.
It’s really hard not to compare the various squads of The Hidden War to the real ones. The main character reminds me of Mori.
Monday, May 26
Sixth Squad