That was a more bearable approach than I’d been fearing. I’d half expected to be stuck back in medical having nightmares for dozens of interested greysuits. I think Ruuel felt me relax a little, because he nodded, then waited while Ista Chemie pressed a cold tube – headache stuff – against my arm.
"To which end, we’ll start with a visualisation technique," he said. "Close your eyes." He waited until I (reluctantly) did, his hand still on my shoulder. "Now, think of a place which you associate with calm and safety." He paused, then with a slightly different note to his voice, said: "Think of the stream with otters, near Pandora. Picture walking along the shore of the lake toward it. The stones beneath your feet crunch and click, and there is a cool mist against your skin. A bird makes a noise to your right, the sound lifting into the air. There is a tumble of rock ahead, marked by a small pile of pebbles. You approach in silence, seeing the stream, shaded and half-real. You sit carefully on the rock. It is rough beneath one hand, and through the cold you take in the scent of some unknown greenery you crushed on your last step. The water murmurs as you wait, and you keep yourself still, searching for movement in the liquid shadows."
I dreamed of otters. Of sitting watching otters, with Ruuel beside me, just as had really happened, except he had his hand on my shoulder, and I could feel the warmth of him. The tight, sick dread faded completely out of memory. After a long while Maze came and sat on my other side, and Ruuel went away. Then Alay swapped for Maze, and then Mara curling an arm around my waist. Then I woke up and Mara was there, sitting on a chair which had been brought into the test room.
"Bet you never guessed how much babysitting involved in this job," I said.
"Tch – there’s so many reports to read that an excuse to sit down is never a bad thing." She looked me over as I wriggled out of the embrace of the sense-bed (which always tends to mould itself around me a little too tightly if I lay too still for too long). "Feeling better?"
I nodded, though couldn’t quite resist a glance at the ceiling. "Just really hungry. We allowed to leave?"
"I knew those dreams had to be serious for you to volunteer to go anywhere near medical," she said. "Yes, they’ve cleared you for the moment."
Happy to escape, I detoured back to my quarters to shower and change (and, to be honest, so Mara was with me when I went back there). Then to the canteen, where I was intent on eating two or three breakfasts. Going to the canteen these days is a big contrast to my first few weeks of visits, because now that I’ve tested with all the squads it’s rare that people don’t at least say hello. Mara picked at a light lunch until I came up for air, watching me critically.
"The technicians, once they’d recovered from the shock, managed to identify two synapse patterns active while you were sleeping. One is very similar to Ena manipulation, though they don’t believe it is quite the same talent. The other you continued to use, even when you stopped dreaming of the massive. It’s the same area of your brain which was active when your sight was blurring at Arenrhon. What was your last dream about?"
"Watching otters – exactly what Ruuel told me to picture. Guess I’m pretty easily influenced." I paused, draining the last of the tangy drink I like. "Did Maze come and sit with me after Ruuel? And then Alay, and then you?"
"Well, that confirms that you can tell we’re there."
"That’s what I dreamed. But I don’t seem to notice the technicians."
"The strength of the Setari’s affinity to the Ena is probably the deciding factor. First and Fourth will be primarily assigned to, ah, babysitting you, with Second and Third in reserve. Anyone else you’re comfortable enough with to include?"
"Zan. Think training really make me stop having nightmares?"
"Possibly. Some Sight talents are plagued by dreams, and Sights discipline at least isn’t likely to hurt you. There’s been some hesitation about actively training you with the Ena manipulation talent in case it strengthens whatever you did to return to your home world."
"Or lets me make real tentacles, instead of just noises."
"That too." Mara shook her head. "The thought that you might dream yourself to death is hardly comforting. At any rate, we’re going to increase your fitness training, and add fairly intensive Sights training – even though we’re not entirely certain what Sight it is we’re training you for. Between that, some weapons training, in case they do go ahead with attempting to locate Kalasa through you." She grinned. "And you’re not to listen to any of Nils' offers to help you get to sleep."
"Zee wouldn’t forgive me," I said, trying to be all nonchalant, though I could feel myself blushing.
"Zee isn’t involved with Nils Sayate," Mara said, lifting her eyebrows.
"Would still matter to her."
Mara didn’t comment about that, but she didn’t deny it either. Instead she spent the day working me into the ground – and making me really regret eating such a large breakfast. She and Ketzaren tag-teamed me till well into the afternoon, with the rest of First Squad showing up for dinner, and then we all played an interface game, a memory game with puzzles. I wasn’t too bad at the memory, but hopeless at half of the puzzles. It was really a lot of fun, though.
Mara asked me if I wanted her to stay when I went to bed, and I was more than a little tempted, but I told her that I was going to try thinking of otters and see if that worked.
"But glad knowing someone come wake me up if gets bad," I said.
She gave me a strange smile and hugged me. "I’m glad you still trust us enough to talk to," she said, and her voice was angry. "That wretched program, so badly timed–" She made an exasperated noise and drew back. "Just remember that you’re with friends. There’s never a need to hide when you’re hurting."
It’s hard not to be pleased that Mara considers me a friend. Not so good is how obviously worried about me she is. I’m not doing a good enough job hiding how close I am to falling apart. Because I’m back to being more than a useful enhancing stray. I’m yet again an irreplaceable key to part of Muina. Worse, I’m someone who can hurt people. I don’t want to be someone who can hurt people. I don’t know if I can even stop myself from hurting me. Talking about it a little to Mara helped, but if I let anyone know that being alone in my quarters outright scares me, they might park me permanently in medical.
As it is, I’m going to sleep in my window seat.
Fortunately, a few minutes ago Third Squad arrived back from Muina. Eeli sent a channel request and then overwhelmed me with excited burble trying to update me on everything they’d been doing (mainly continuing the exploration of Nurioth, and surveying widely around Pandora), and also asking me all these questions about the massive fight. Eventually I figured out that she was particularly happy that I’d said that the Third Squad captain was the best-looking Setari. She adores Taarel so.
It’s hard not to feel upbeat after talking to Eeli.
There’s a new The Hidden War episode tonight, but even though I slept really late into my shift, all the exercise makes me doubtful I’ll be able to hold out till it airs. Far more interesting to me is that my calendar filled up while I was chatting to Eeli. The inevitable medical exams, lots of exercising with First Squad, and a couple of sessions of weapons training with someone called Perrin Drake. And Sights training every day with Ruuel.