"I’ll share the visual on this if you don’t mind, Caszandra," Isten Notra said, and linked the images recorded by the drone. I didn’t say anything, just watched it, flinching inside and feeling incredibly sick. "These creatures exist on your world?"
"Only in story I was reading before went to Muina. They lay eggs in people. Is it possible to remove a talent from someone? Do brain surgery?"
"It’s been done," Isten Notra said. "When the risk is judged great enough. Since your talent is unique, we would be extremely reluctant to go so far, especially when as yet you have not come anywhere close to the kind of power level you would need to produce Ionoth that endure."
"What you’re creating in real-space seems closer to a tangible illusion than actual substance," Maze added. "There’s no trace of it once you’ve stopped projecting."
"I don’t want to wait until I kill someone to find out whether it’s possible," I said, struggling not to sound as upset as I was. But my voice had gone high, and I had to swallow to make myself not shout.
"You’re overlooking the important point," Ruuel said, interface voice clipped and sure. "Unlike the dream of the Array massive, you were able to break out of this one. That after only a few days of training. You’re now aware when your dreams have taken on a tangible aspect?"
"…yes."
"Then your current exercise, whenever you find yourself dreaming in this way, is to break out of it, no matter if the dream is threatening or not. And in future remember that Eyse is a considerably better fighter than you give her credit for."
He dropped out of channel, leaving me feeling I’d been overreacting, which in retrospect was no doubt exactly what he’d intended. Maze and Isten Notra spoke to me a little longer, just a few questions about the training of the last few days, then told Mori to take me back to my room.
Mori was trying unsuccessfully not to look hugely gratified – outright compliments from Ruuel are rare and preciously hoarded by his squad. "Combat Sight would have told me if I’d had a thing like that in my chest," she told me as we rode the elevator. "Do you think you’ll be able to get back to sleep?"
"Maybe. I’ll have a shower and read for a while. Fourth is on rotation tomorrow, yes?"
"Yes – but broken nights are half the reason rotations aren’t scheduled for first thing."
Mori’s a lot better at getting to sleep than me, out of it by the time I was finished in the shower. Instead of reading, I reviewed various bits of my log, mainly time I’d spent alone at Pandora and Arenrhon. Scenery. I fell asleep and didn’t dream, and woke mid-morning to find my shooting practice cancelled and one of the extra-long and thorough medical checks put in its place. I sensibly took my diary down. I’ve arranged lunch with Zan, since I saw she was free, and then it’s training when Ruuel’s back from rotation.
Eggshells
After my meltdown yesterday, I wasn’t surprised when Maze came along for my test session, even though it finished around midnight in his day. I can just picture all the discussions they’re having on how to stop me going off the deep end.
Ruuel told me that today I had to try to use my talents separately – to see things without making them happen, to make things happen in the Ena and not in real-space, to make things happen in real-space but not in the Ena. He also said I should expect to fail. What I needed to focus on was becoming aware of the mechanism, concentrating on what I did.
He started out just describing an object, one which was found in many places, to see if I could consciously conjure something a little less over-the-top than an entire place. That worked. It took a lot longer to get an image of what he was describing, but wasn’t as exhausting, so this session lasted a lot longer than previous ones. I also ended up with less of a headache, which was nice, but the cumulative effect of several projections in a row left me semi-conscious.
"I’m pleased you haven’t given in to the temptation to try to create visions of your own world," Maze said on the trip back.
"Too tired of headaches to give myself more," I said, struggling to stay awake. "Besides, I think Tsur Selkie meant it about assigning a squad to me full-time. Think he’d put interesting far-sight experiments in the same category as chatting with – as not using my alert."
I managed not to look across at Ista Chemie, sitting opposite with Ruuel. It’s very difficult to be all secretive about Nurans when you’re sleepy.
"Range is part of the test outline," Ruuel said. "Scheduled for when we’re on Muina."
For some reason I’d assumed my training would be on hold while chasing Kalasa. I wondered if I’d be sleeping two pods away from Ruuel again – and whether there’d be a drone recording my dreams. And promptly fell asleep. I think I slept on Maze, or dreamed I was sleeping on Maze, but it didn’t feel the way it does when I’m projecting. I didn’t try and force myself awake, anyway, and was back in my window seat when I did wake up.
Not long now until we head to Kalasa. I’d probably be worked up about that if the prospect of making monsters in my sleep wasn’t sucking up all my Emo tendencies.
Monday, June 9
Moving Target
I dreamed of sheep last night, and managed to make myself wake up almost straight away. Which gave me a headache, but was also immensely reassuring. I don’t know if I’ll always be able to break out of them – or am always sufficiently aware of the dreams which I’m making real as opposed to dreams which just seem real – but it did give me a faint sense that I might gain enough control to not be doing things accidentally all the time.
This morning brought a nice bunch of packages from a spending spree I’d indulged in when they scheduled my return to Muina. Another diary, since I’m past two-thirds on this one, and a little cold environment gear because Pandora is hitting Winter now. It took me forever to find a non-hideous beanie. People on Tare don’t have a lot of call for hats, particularly not for the purpose of keeping warm. Most of what I could find was rainproof, heavy-duty, tied-down headgear for the poor bastards who have to venture outside for maintenance in all kinds of weather. Chapstick was a little easier to find, and I managed to put together a couple of tolerable Winter outfits and something which could pass as daywear or nightwear to sleep in. I was thoroughly sick of wearing my uniform all the time when we were at Nurioth and Arenrhon.
Lots of shooting practice. Drake had me in a different training room, with a maze where half a dozen greensuits stalked me. I had fake weapons which registered hits instead of actually working, and had to try and find my way through the maze without dying (having one of the greensuits grab me). As a game it could have been kind of fun, but they were all super-serious which made me feel stressed out and stupid. I died a lot.
After that Mara had me for some time in the gym. She soon had me talking about how hopeless I felt about ever coming close to being able to do something like get through that maze without dying.
"No-one expects you to," she said. "A couple of weeks of training isn’t going to make you capable of picking off Cruzatch with a simple hand weapon. The force vest is what we’re counting on to give you a chance, should you be transported alone." She made a face. "The arguments all this is causing are overwhelming, especially since most of those pushing to return you to Muina are unaware of the latest developments in your talent set. The Array massive has only exacerbated the debate, demonstrating to any who weren’t already certain just how valuable your enhancement can be. But there’s a sense that matters are becoming urgent, that we don’t have the luxury to explore Muina at our leisure, and need to access Kalasa as soon as possible. Do you still feel that you’d rather get it over with?"