"There’s no way to guarantee you won’t do more damage," Ruuel said straightforwardly. "The daily exercises have obviously helped, but now that you’ve reached the point of being capable of killing yourself or another, the next week will be critical. You’re unlikely to have another occurrence tonight. Tomorrow we’ll arrange for quarters which put you at a safer distance from other personnel. It’s also unlikely we’ll go ahead with the planned entry of Kalasa, but expect training if your condition allows. Ista Kyle will sedate you tonight."
He glanced at Maze, nodded at me (or Mara) and left. Though he only went as far as the next room, which is something I wouldn’t have known a couple of months ago. Maze looked at me through narrowed eyes, told me Mara would stay with me for the rest of the night, and then went and lurked about the next room as well.
"Ruuel take courses in psychology?" I asked Mara.
"All captain candidates study psychology," Mara said. "I take it he’s right in telling us you find it easier to handle issues if we don’t downplay them?"
"If I think you’re holding back, have to try and guess what you’re not telling me," I said. "Got a good imagination."
One of the greysuits came in, asked me a couple of questions about my pain level and shot me full of sedative, which hit me like a cotton-wool tank, but Mara obligingly continued to let me use her as a pillow, at least until I passed out. After that she shifted to the chair by the bed but kept hold of my hand.
I slept most of the day. Ruuel must have decided I wasn’t up to training, since I haven’t seen him so far. Lots of visitors from the squads, though, and Isten Notra came to see me and left Shon to fill my ears with his thoughts about animals and snow and Kalasa. He’s loving it here. I don’t think he knows precisely how I was injured – he didn’t ask, anyway. I feel vaguely guilty about all those very eager greysuits desperate to get back into Kalasa today and not able to.
Whenever the pain meds wear off my legs tell me that I did a lot of damage. I can walk to the ensuite, but Maze came in while I was creeping back to my bed and gave me a lecture about not asking for help. Then he took me to my new room, in a small building near the lake which either I didn’t spot before or they created and outfitted specifically for me overnight. It’s crammed full of scanners, and will be a combination of living quarters and test area for me.
Saturday, June 14
Don’t shoot the messenger
Back to Kalasa today. Instead of working the entire day as a taxi, they had me bring through everyone in the morning, then took me back to my room to rest. Since the platform won’t work if I’m just levitating above it, Par carried me the entire time, very romantically in his arms and rather pink around the ears. Even with that my legs started throbbing, and I was glad to lie down again and get another dose of painkiller. I swear Mum wouldn’t be impressed with the amount of drugs I get through. I’m more injured than I properly understood at first – the wounds were deep, and the burns I think would be classed as second-degree. The painkillers they give me are really effective at blocking out what it feels like, but they’re deliberately short-term doses so that the greysuits can assess my condition, and when I’m not quite fully medicated I feel awful. Plus they keep giving me restoratives and fortifiers: horrible drinks and injections which really do help with healing, but also leave me absolutely exhausted. It’s annoying because I go through good patches and want to move about and feel almost normal, and then I completely run out of steam. Maze made me promise to not try and walk any more, and I’ve learned my lesson from that already, since that one stumbling trip to the bathroom made the medics re-do all my weird nanotech bandaging and lower my pain medication so that I can feel that I’m hurting myself when I walk. I hate having to be carried to the bathroom. Hate catheters more, though.
After playing taxi, I slept the rest of the morning. Normal dreams, fragmentary and not quite logical, and I felt really quite good when I woke up just before lunch. The temperature had risen, and I talked Ista Temen – the greysuit on shift – into letting Par set up a chair and footrest outside so I could look at the view. It was a beautiful day – extremely blue sky, no wind, and the chill gone out of the air. The thin patches of snow which had formed all melted, and the lake looked amazing.
Since Par’s slightly more inclined to talk if you get him alone, I asked him about his impressions of Kalasa and wasn’t surprised to find that his feelings were mixed. "I’m glad to have seen it," he said. "But it makes me angry. And proud. And ashamed."
"Do you think the solution will be there?"
He shook his head, then added reluctantly: "If they had known the spaces would be shattered, they wouldn’t have done it." And didn’t add the would they? he was obviously thinking. I wish I could talk to people about what was in the Nuran’s book, but it’s still being kept very quiet. I also wish I knew if Inisar had followed me to Muina. He’s obviously capable of it, but avoiding the Ddura might pose him some difficulties.
The Litara arrived then, giving me the usual huge kick out of watching it settle on the lake. I always imagine Jules' reaction, and wish I could at least send postcards. Send Mum a happy snap or two of me relaxing on the shore of a lake on an alien world, watching a spaceship land and, as it turned out, a bunch of psychic space ninjas arriving. Squad One, who had returned briefly to Kolar while their Second Squad represented Kolar on Muina, but now were on Muina shift again. They flew directly from the Litara toward the command centre, and must have seen me wave to them since after they’d reported in or dropped off their luggage or whatever they were doing they all came back to say hello. When she found I couldn’t stand up Katzyen, being the get-things-done person she is, relocated a bunch of rocks from the very edge of the lake to make a circle of stony seats so that they could stop looming over me. So now I have my own outdoor entertainment area.
"We heard you’d been injured again," Taranza said, eyeing my propped-up legs. I was wearing my uniform for warmth, and the bandaging makes me look like I have double-sized ankles.
"And couldn’t find out how," Katzyen added, up-front as usual. "Most anyone would say is an accident in medical."
"I did to myself," I said. "Been developing talent which keep using accidentally when I’m sleeping. Set sheet alight. Really embarrassing."
That usefully kept to the truth and let them assume I was developing a fire talent instead of illusions-which-feel-real or whatever. Squad One asked me about the first time I’d ended up in Kalasa – they don’t get access to the Taren Setari mission logs usually, but KOTIS had given them extracts – and they fetched down lunch and we had a bit of a picnic and talked about swimming, which is not a skill found on Kolar, and about Kalasa and Earth, and speculated on what it was that gave only me a security pass to Kalasa.
Katzyen challenged Par to a stone skipping competition, and the rest of Squad One except Shaf and Nalaz joined in. I was wondering if it would be possible to throw stones while Par levitated me when Shaf said: "I’ve been asked to speak to you on behalf of the government of Kolar."
I pretty much guessed what it would be, and didn’t want to go there. But I couldn’t think of anything to say to stop him, other than a wild temptation to make a crack about rescuing me from evil and misguided Tarens.