I wonder if Tare has an equivalent of the tall poppy syndrome, and after all these unlikely stories about me being brave and wonderful they’ll recast me for the feet of clay role. It’s not that I don’t think they should probably be glad I showed up and unlocked their world, but I hate this increasing tendency to build me up into something I’m not: improbably virtuous and clever and brave. The life I’m living is amazing, and I’m not unaware that I’ve caused a massive change to happen – I did name the settlement Pandora for that exact reason – but they’ve all tended to be things that have just happened while I was stumbling about trying not to die. And when I re-read my diaries I just sound increasingly whiney and edging toward certified nutjob. I’ve spent the last few months falling apart and moaning about it.
I was really glad for Mara’s training today, because there’s no hint of fragile little half-insane princess must be placated when she makes me do an extra ten repetitions. I’m going to go along with that attitude, and throw myself back into my rather neglected schoolwork, and that animal identification assignment. Every month that’s gone by since I was rescued, I seem to have become less stable and lost more privacy. Yeah, I’ve had good reasons for freaking out, and a lot of the guarding has been necessary. But I don’t like myself this way, and I’m looking to change how I’ve been behaving. To take comfort from the people trying to support me, but to get back to standing on my own two feet.
July
Tuesday, July 1
Map of the brain
Swimming was okay. It’s been long enough, I guess, and it did help loosen up all my complaining muscles. I hope eventually it’ll be fun again.
Zee took me back out to Keszen Point, which had obviously reverted to being a warehouse during my absence, since the boxes were different boxes. Ista Chemie was very interested in the Kalasa projection, rumours of which are already rife on the interface, and also the fact that I feel like the manifestation bit of me is still tired. We started out small – another mug, in fact – and though I can picture a mug in my head very easily, I couldn’t make one appear, full of cocoa or not. And I don’t seem to be causing anything at all to happen in near-space. This is nothing but a good thing from my point of view.
We moved on to a series of visualisations, measuring my energy output and my brain’s electrical activity when trying to see a distinct series of rooms of around the same size at increasing distances around Tare. And then a visualisation of a fictional place for contrast. It was a pretty productive session, both for clearly identifying which part of my brain is responsible for the Sight talent, and for me to become more aware of the separate mechanisms. I kept accidentally trying to manifest things, and I could feel myself not able to, and eventually I began to anticipate the twinge and deliberately avoid it. So the Kalasa manifestation cost me a couple of days of unconsciousness, but gave me a little progress in return. And a chance to not be so worried about accidentally making monsters.
This kind of training will be every second day from now on, with nothing but physical training on First Squad’s off-rotation days until I’m fit and healthy. Only then, and if they’ve gained a proper understanding of the limits and costs of my talent set, will they even consider poking me at Muina again.
Zee was very tired by the time we were heading back, and I made jokes about carrying her to her quarters. I told her, as we rode the elevator, that I had been trying in vain to think of a way to thank everyone for my snowball fight, but she thought this tremendously funny, and told me the snowball fight was them thanking me, and besides they’d all enjoyed themselves.
Then I asked her didn’t she think my beanie had suited Nils and she tweaked a strand of my hair and told me she’d make sure Mara left me too exhausted to remember what a beanie was.
I much prefer training with the Setari to being babysat.
Wednesday, July 2
Ow
Entire body hurts. Mara carries out Zee’s instructions very well.
Thursday, July 3
In a galaxy far, far-
The whole morning went to medical for the beginning of cosmetic work on my legs. Not too bad, though it left the skin feeling numb and oddly hot, and I have bandages again.
This afternoon Zee had me try and visualise what’s going on in Pandora. They wanted to do this test while I’m still not able to manifest, because the previous set of tests proved that distance does take more energy (no real surprise there). I could tell they thought it was an extra-serious test because Ista Chemie was very careful and particular about all the medical equipment being on-hand and ready for business.
They’d decided on my building as the target location, Zee carefully describing the already-familiar furnishings. Imagining something and seeing it are very different experiences for me, so I knew that it was working. All that detail. Seeing things using this Sight makes it go almost super-real: every tiny smudge stands out, and all the colours seem special.
Seeing Pandora was hard, though. Carrying a person on your back and trying to walk up a flight of stairs hard. My heart-rate skyrocketed, I started to breathe like a steam-train and my throat and chest felt hot, quickly followed by the familiar stabbing headache that tells me I’m pushing myself into new territory. Zee immediately told me to stop, and I lay still with my eyes shut until Ista Chemie’s medications came into effect.
"Building growing extra rooms?" I asked, once I felt closer to human again. I’d almost thought I’d visualised the wrong place, because all the furniture had been cleared out and the walls seemed to be wrong.
"It’s being expanded. Properly shielded quarters for Setari stationed at Pandora. And that confirms that you can reach over that kind of distance."
"Earth even farther away," I said, sighing.
"Very likely." She gave me an evaluating look, then nodded, apparently deciding I wasn’t going to go experimenting with trying to see Earth any time soon. Not that I probably wouldn’t try if they gave me a supply of extreme headache medicine. And I probably will, eventually, if they don’t include it in my training and testing in the next couple of months. There are limits.
Not soon though. My head is still pounding underneath the blocking.
Friday, July 4
Somebody Wake Up
All morning in medical again – partially the inevitable brain scans, partially fooling with my legs, which are now encased in a different sort of bandage: a waterproof one I’m allowed to get wet, but not to soak, so no swimming or baths for the next couple of days.
I was eating a light lunch in the canteen when the captain of Tenth, Els Haral, slid onto the seat opposite, pulling Fourteenth’s captain Kin Lara down beside him.