"It’s against captainly protocols to gossip," Haral told me, smiling. "So we’re not at all asking you whether it’s true that Twelfth won some kind of ice environment combat exercise over all the other squads based on Muina."
"Squads gave me a snowball fight as a present, but is a game, not training," I said firmly. Ice environment combat exercise. Seriously.
Lara, who had briefly looked less sleepy than usual when Haral pulled him into the seat, shook his head, then gave in. "Either way, Twelfth won? Over First and Fourth?"
"And Second, Third, and Kolar’s First Squad. Zan picked smart strategy."
"How does the game work?"
Since they gave an impression of being pleased that Twelfth had won, but not in any way negative toward the other squads, I explained. So far as I can tell, First is considered the best close combat team, while Ruuel is probably the best individually, with Maze and Mara both considered almost equally dangerous. Not that I can get anyone to actually tell me that – but neither Haral nor Lara were the slightest bit surprised that Ruuel had won the second game.
It’s nice to know that Zan has some allies among the other squads. I had the faintest suspicion that Haral was teasing Lara about Zan, so maybe he’d be more than an ally if Zan gave him a chance. They stayed and chatted to me. Interested in Kalasa of course, but Haral also had lots of questions about Earth: he wanted to know more about volcanos and the things that made Earth different from Muina. They’re both very easy to talk to – more relaxed than a lot of the younger Setari – but eventually I had to go be tortured by Mara, who made me do something like Pilates or yoga. Lots of stretching myself and holding positions.
I spent that torture session turning over who Haral reminded me of, and finally worked it out. Not in looks, but that soft-spoken, laid-back thing he does is very similar to the Hicks character in Aliens.
Saturday, July 5
Size matters
No dangerous dreams last night, though I have some tangled memories that feel uncomfortable. I have noticed that my ability to tell who is nearby has expanded in range, and asked Zee how many Sights I might have: one or a hundred. Knowing where people are, and seeing coloured lights, and seeing things in the past and seeing fictional places, and seeing what’s happening on another planet all seem like rather different things to me. The most she could tell me is that it seems to consistently be the same area of my brain, and that it might be similar to Place Sight, which can be used in a lot of different ways.
I’m glad I don’t feel people’s emotions when I touch them.
Today we measured the energy output required for me to see different sized things which were all roughly at the same distance. And then fictional as opposed to real things. It made me very tired, and I had a nap before a squad dinner in Ketzaren’s rooms. She’d changed her wall display to a slideshow of images of Muina: snow and plains and mountains and streams and different forests and a wetland I hadn’t seen before, amazingly full of birds.
First Squad was decompressing after their rotation earlier in the day, and it seems they are finding it a big mental and emotional adjustment to go from the work they’d been doing on Muina to the intensity of rotations, where they are only ever winning battles, and never the war. And it’s getting harder. Twelfth isn’t the only squad which has hit some bad rotations lately and been injured, mainly due to an increase of deep-space Ionoth. Maze said they’re trying to decide between supplementing the existing squads with qualifying Kalrani, or simply having squads work in pairs. The whole reason the current squads are six members is because Ionoth, particularly deep-space Ionoth like swoops, are drawn to larger groups. If they’re having to deal with them anyway, then larger groups may gain more than they cost.
Sunday, July 6
Mara is evil
Tired. Sore. Debating taking a sickie tomorrow.
Monday, July 7
All worked up over nothing
Lunch with Haral – Els – again. I guess I wasn’t wrong, back when I tested with Tenth Squad, in thinking that maybe he liked me. My withdrawal that time must have just made him decide on a patient approach. He’s not overloading me with compliments, but he’s taking the opportunity of our lunch shift being at the same time to talk to me. No pressure, just chatting in a group with the rest of his squad, but I could tell he was into me.
So could his squad, judging by the wide-eyed glances a couple of them exchanged.
Els is a very cool and attractive guy and I like him. I can’t decide what to think about the possibility of more. I’m definitely giving it a lot of thought, and my training session with Zee didn’t go very well because I was distracted. But at least I discovered that if I think about two different things at once and don’t concentrate on just the one location I can give myself a really magnificent headache.
I’m trying to decide whether to respond to Els, or avoid him, or just treat him like a friend and pretend I hadn’t noticed any overtones of more. I do like him. I can easily imagine being with him. But how is it fair on Els to encourage him if I’m not sure I’d want to go through with it? When I wake up every morning totally focused on the absence of one very particular person? But I don’t want to be that either, mooning hopelessly over someone who isn’t a type of person I’d ever thought I’d like, is probably in a relationship with someone else, and has done his best to keep me at a distance.
Stupid. Stupid dilemma. I need to stop thinking about this.
Tuesday, July 8
Peering in the windows
Mara eased up on me a little today. She said she couldn’t bear my expression of dread any longer. And I sat in on a First and Second Squad group training session – just watching – because Maze and Grif wanted to think more on Rotational dynamics with a doubled squad. Afterwards they actually took me out into the city for dinner, which is the first time for ages and probably only happened because two whole Setari squads is sufficient to not only block me from casual view but to daunt even the most enthusiastic gawker. I did notice that even on their home island the social politeness of people pretending not to recognise them as Setari when they’re not in uniform has more or less fallen away, but we were still left to go to the fondue restaurant unharassed.
Nils, in an uncharacteristically non-flirtatious mood, talked to me a lot about the visualisations I’ve been doing and the difference between them and his illusions. There was an underlying current of concern behind all the conversation, but it was still a nice night.
Wednesday, July 9
Calooh! Callay!
Excellent, excellent day.
It started out routine, racking up another few hours in medical. I hesitated a bit before going to get lunch, still undecided on how I wanted to handle Els, but eventually figured that chatting over lunch could hardly hurt me. And then when I got to the canteen he was already with his squad at a full table, so I sat with Hasen and Henaz from Eighth, who were having breakfast. I’m finding it rare to go to the canteen and there not be someone around who wants to ask me all about some aspect of Muina.