After that it was all very dramatic, with kitten-me being run through a number of near escapes by a superbly competent Setari captain. Who, when I got around to thanking him for rescuing me, told me I was too useful a tool to waste. Kitten-me’s face went all crumpled at that one.
I’d wondered how they’d deal with Ruuel falling to his knees after enhancing his Sights, since that vulnerable moment didn’t match with Lastier’s arrogance at all, but they’d just removed that part altogether. Lastier enhanced after spotting the Ddura, went very still, then practically dragged kitten-me up the platforms – by the wrist not the hand.
A whole heap was made of the Pillar – a lot of the entire series has been about Pillar-chasing. After that, it was almost exact, with Lastier stabilising gates, finally reaching KOTIS. And calling me the stray.
Maze, who had been watching my reactions as the show finished up, was probably a bit surprised when I asked: "Why is everyone weird about Zan being a captain?"
He hesitated before replying, then said: "Combat Sight. Namara is the only captain without it, but is ably demonstrating that the role is not about being the best fighter on a squad."
"Zan linked with main character now – Twelfth likely to come out of this better than Fourth, but don’t think she enjoys it. What was scene you had removed?"
Maze grimaced, then showed me a final scene of kitten-me alone in medical, inspecting a circle of dark bruises around her wrist. Ironic, since it looked a lot like the bruises Ruuel had given me, when the Ddura was attacking at Pandora.
"They’re going to run into trouble if continue to stick to my story," I said. "Ruuel save my life more than once."
"It’s an infuriating situation," Maze said. "But controllable since your relationship with Fourth is solid. I do need to ask if your mother truly warned you against Ruuel."
"She just ask if he friend or enemy," I said. My face was hot, but I think I wasn’t giving too much away. I’ve been so careful to keep my opinion of Ruuel to myself – not only because it’s so worshipful, but because it’s hard to explain. It’s not like I think he’s perfect. Or even necessarily a generally nice person. Half the reason The Hidden War is able to make him into such a grey character is because he’s left himself open to being interpreted that way.
Wanting to change the subject I added: "If producers run out of plot ideas, suggest to them on my behalf that they do episode about me being really upset when someone steals my personal file and makes entertainment from it."
After that Maze went with me and Zee to Keszen Point, where we repeated the first tests I did with Zee, to see how they go now I’m manifesting. I had to do each one twice, and the first time not manifest but only visualise, and the second time manifesting. And I’m more or less able to do that. I’ve got to try and separate out manifesting things in real-space and manifesting things in near-space, which I can’t really differentiate between. But it was a good session, tiring, but with less headaches involved.
Maze and Zee were both pleased with the progress I’m making, but had me return to my room before letting me conjure any more Earth images. Which works for me, since I prefer them not to be in the official test logs anyway, and it saves being carted about unconscious. I showed them bits of Sydney, places I miss. Beach, park, the back yard of our house, my bedroom.
I fell asleep after that one, very appropriate. The next episode of The Hidden War airs soon, and I’m contemplating trying to be asleep when it does. Maze said Ruuel would be given the episode in advance, so he’ll know what’s coming. I bet he thinks the energy he has to spend dealing with it a complete waste.
I’m refusing to let myself feel guilty about any of this.
Saturday, July 12
Lastier Fan Club
I hadn’t managed to get back to sleep by the time The Hidden War aired, and wasn’t the least bit surprised when I had a channel request from Mori during the first ad break. Wanting to get it over with, I accepted, and was surprised to find Sonn and Halla in the channel along with the usual The Hidden War club.
"My Mum asked if he was friend or enemy," I said, before Mori could even ask. "Maze ask me same thing at lunch."
Glade, after a pause, laughed. "Not often I hear you sounding so impatient, Caszandra."
"Tired of program," I said. "Bad enough steal my life, but would have thought story dramatic enough without messing people about. Is not worth getting angry over, I know, since everyone here seen mission report and know not true, but still very annoying."
"I can’t say I’m enjoying watching any more," Mori said. "And yet, not watching and not knowing what’s being shown is worse."
"Yes, very much," I said. "Not looking forward to next week, since probably about all the horrid things I said to Maze when I was in medical."
Since I’d already seen the episode, I told them goodnight and dropped out of channel, hoping the last comment would distract them. There was a lot of things I’d thought about saying, but since I’d basically rather not discuss Ruuel with anyone, it had seemed best to keep my reaction brief and very definite.
None of this is enough to bring down my Earth-projections high, but it’s irritating.
Merger
Running around the stairs all morning with Mara. Just when I thought I was getting half-way non-pathetic, she shows me how far I have to go. And thinks it’s funny.
After lunch both First and Fourth were using the weights room. I do NOT need to see Ruuel working out. Way too distracting, and I’m in this tedious bind where I can’t be too obviously seen to be not looking at him, yet really don’t want to be caught looking at him.
He had huge circles under his eyes, black and bruised, as if he hadn’t slept for days. From the way his squad were keeping an eye on him, they’d reached the point of being really worried, and I had to wonder, from the look Maze gave him, whether a tired Sight talent might be forbidden from going on rotation. He’d hate that.
Toward the end of the session there was a notice to all the Setari about the new paired squad assignments. Twelfth and Fourteenth, both out on Muina. Fifth and Seventh, which I thought highly appropriate. Most relevant to me was First and Fourth, probably because I’d nominated them as my two favourite squads, which I guess was a huge mistake in terms of Ruuel-avoidance.
Fourth put a good face on it, but as I chatted with Glade, Mori and Par afterwards I realised they weren’t pleased. We were talking about my legs, and at first I thought it was trying to be delicate about the hideous scars which was making them strange. But it’s because the merger makes them the junior squad on all rotations. I think they felt it was a demotion.
Ruuel didn’t come near me at all. The last time we spoke was when he dropped a snowball on my face, if you could call that talking. He and Maze said a few short things when the announcement was made, and he was his usual detached self, and I’ve spent all my time since then worrying about why he wasn’t sleeping and what would happen if Fourth were forbidden from going on rotation.