Before the announcement, I’d been thinking of asking at least Mori back to my room to show her some things I’d been trying to explain about Earth, but in the end I just went with Mara, and told her she wasn’t allowed to log this projection, and then conjured the video of my last big family holiday. I mainly wanted to see myself, before all this happened. I looked short, weirdly, even though I’m sure I haven’t gotten taller.
Mara wisely didn’t comment, just gave me a blanket and told me to do some light swimming tomorrow while First and Fourth were off on their first joint mission. I slept very solidly for an hour or so, but then went into this constant nightmare cycle. It’s a good sign, really, since they’re real nightmares and I recognise them pretty much immediately and can wake myself up. And forcing myself awake isn’t giving me as much of a headache any more. But I just want to sleep and not think.
Going to go up to the roof. The weather doesn’t look great, but not impossible. Maybe the Nuran will show up and distract me.
Sunday, July 13
Speechless
The weather was dreadful. So windy it was hard to stay upright, with occasional drops of rain driven so fast they stung. I was glad of that, though, since gale-force wind makes it hard to think of anything but gale-force wind. I stayed on the roof until it felt like everything had been blown out of my head, then headed back to Setari quarters.
One level down on the final elevator, Ruuel got on as well, still showing little sign of sleep. I hadn’t been paying any attention, so when the door opened, I felt my eyes widen at the sight of him, and looked down guiltily. And then felt such an idiot for my reaction that I asked if having two squads together would change the way the rotations worked, or just make them quicker.
"Where the threat is low, we’re likely to work in adjoining spaces, with First clearing ahead while we evaluate gates. That will lessen the chance of attracting deep space Ionoth."
He’d sounded unconcerned, but narrowed his eyes, studying me. Then lifted one hand and pressed the back of it to my cheek. Very warm against my wind-chilled skin, and no gloves.
"The goal is to increase your general health," he said, sounding beyond annoyed, suddenly and inexplicably angry. "You’re at least capable of judging the kind of weather not to sit outside in."
I couldn’t understand what I’d done to make him lose his temper, and though he’d taken his hand away he loomed over me in a way which was almost threatening, making me wish I could back up. And that made me angry in return, so I asked in almost as annoyed a voice as his: "Too valuable be allowed do any living?"
He was very close – so near that I could see the difference between the pupil and iris in his black on black eyes. I’d never seen him less like himself, drawn and tired and glaring at me like I’d done something wrong just by being there. He only had to lower his head to kiss me, bruised my mouth while I stood too shocked to respond, and crowded me into the wall when I started to kiss him back. Every movement shouting anger.
Lifts move inconveniently quickly, and the doors opened on the floor for Third and Fourth’s quarters. There was no-one in the corridor, a circumstance for which I am eternally grateful, but Ruuel still stopped kissing me, leaning his forehead against the wall beside my head.
"You’ve no idea how little I want this," he said, barely audible and not exactly the most encouraging thing he could have said. He sounded furious.
"Actions not match words," was all I could manage, very aware that he hadn’t moved away from me, that his heartbeat was as loud to me as my own, that he was so angry.
He let out his breath, more exasperation than amusement, then turned his head just enough to be talking directly into my ear. "You need to be very certain you want this."
The lift doors opened on First and Second’s floor, but I was struggling with what he’d said, and resenting the way he’d said it. I’m still not sure if he was doing his best to make me storm off, or was just at the end of his tether. Since he’d never given me any sign that there was a tether in the first place, I was having to adjust a lot of ideas to even begin to answer him.
"What is certain?" I asked, very aware of the way one of his hands had tightened on my arm. "Haven’t even ever really talked. Only know that every day, first I know on waking, is that you’re not there. I hate it when you’re not there."
It was a pathetically scrambled reason, and when he drew back I was sure that I’d chosen exactly the wrong moment to be honest. He wasn’t wearing a very promising expression, either, very closed, with that haughtiness which was part temper and part born, I think, out of knowing so much about people. But his hand slid down my arm, and caught mine, and he turned and walked out of the lift, trailing me along behind him into my quarters, into my bedroom.
I was practically having kittens by the time he let go and turned and looked at me, because, seriously, he’d been pushing me away for so long, and now we were jumping straight to sex? Right after he told me he really didn’t want to? Not exactly the stuff of romance.
But whatever else, good or bad idea, I wanted him. More than anything. So I followed his lead when he withdrew his nanosuit and took off the uniform harness. Standing in my underwear with Kaoren Ruuel was in a whole different league to Sean J and the two awkward times in the caravan in his parents' backyard. For one thing Sean and I spent a lot of time laughing at our mutual embarrassment, and Sean didn’t look one tenth so grim. Nor did he shake just because he touched my hand.
My diligent research with Super Sight Six had warned me that sex for a Place Sight talent can be more than a little complicated. Not only is it depressingly clear if your partner isn’t really into it, but what they’re feeling can ramp everything up until it becomes overwhelming. Ruuel would have had a full serving of my reaction in the lift, and the emotional equivalent of omgwtfomgwtf! had probably reached the point of !!!!!!!!!!!1!!1!! by then. He paused, just standing with our hands linked, down by our sides, and took a few more breaths before lowering his head and kissing me. But at least he’d stopped looking like he was heading for an execution, was intent and concentrated. It calmed me down a few exclamation marks, and we leaned into each other and let it just be kissing for a while.
I let go of his hands first, because I wanted to put my arms around him, and he responded by unhooking my bra. I have no memory of moving to the bed, but we got there soon after. I suppose I should be glad Ruuel doesn’t try to be as super-quick and efficient about sex as he is with testing, but he drove me completely insane touching and then pausing to gauge my reaction. We were both breathing like sprinters by the time he stopped being able to be slow and exploratory, and I can actually see the moment on my log because he opened his eyes properly, then shut them altogether for a second. That was around the point I gave up adding exclamation marks, and fuzzed out into white noise.
He held me almost too tightly afterwards, until both of us were breathing a bit more normally, then said, "Shower?"
I nodded, and liked the way he kept hold of my hand. And liked more his reaction to showering together, which started out as a shower, but was mainly being all wet and slippery together in a close, half-lit space with a fortunately solid wall.