We weren’t being big on small talk. The only time either of us spoke past that was when we’d switched the dryer on, and were standing tucked against each other just until we were no longer dripping. He was exploring my back – glancing touches on shoulder blade, spine, ribs – and murmured, "I knew if I started touching you I wouldn’t be able to stop." Just loud enough for me to hear.
"Not complaining," I said, and if we both weren’t by that time beyond exhausted, I would have liked to stay looking up at him. As it was, we curled back into my bed and I fell asleep almost before I lay down. First time I’ve slept in that room since my dream about the Array massive.
I didn’t wake till late into my next shift, nearly lunchtime. Fortunately First and Fourth’s rotation wasn’t till after lunch. I don’t know how many days Ruuel – or Kaoren as I really should call him, even though I haven’t yet – hasn’t been sleeping properly, but he didn’t stir when I slid out of bed to go to the bathroom. Even with him asleep, I suddenly felt awkward about wandering around naked, and pulled on my nightshirt before I slid back into the bed. That did wake him, but only enough to tuck an arm across my waist, sigh, and settle against my back.
My life keeps changing completely. Ruuel – Kaoren – deciding to respond to me is not quite so major as walking to Muina or being rescued from it, but it feels like a close third. I lay wondering if we’d actually have conversations, and what it would be like when we disagreed. I hardly know him. He’s a tough but fair captain, super-efficient, serious, and the only thing I know about him outside of that is a couple of glimpses of arrogance, and the possibility that he might have a sense of humour.
And he said he really didn’t want to be with me.
I froze there, remembering that first Sights testing session and how he had thought it a bad idea, but had done just what he’d been ordered, and been angry. And Kaoren reacted to my dismay, tightening his arm and shifting in his sleep. I drew back from the brink of the impending wangst storm, though, because I know very well that neither Kaoren nor Tsur Selkie are stupid, and Kaoren faking a romance with me would be idiocy. A metric fuckton of dumb so epically, mind-destroyingly beyond a bad idea that there’s not a chance they would go there.
Having decided that, I relaxed and a moment later Kaoren did as well, let out a breath which tickled the back of my neck, and snuggled closer. I really loved that he’d reacted to my feelings, and my brain decided it was full of champagne bubbles, which made Serious Brooding very difficult.
I was enjoying a few highlights of my log when Ghost came to visit, and jumped on the bed beside me. I stroked her under the chin, smiling at the buzz of her purr, but it was only when she poked out her nose, whiskers twitching and quivering, and scented Kaoren’s hand that he woke. And jerked so violently backward he impacted with the wall as Ghost, spitting and squalling, rose abruptly into the air above us and hung there – trapped by Telekinesis.
Not how I’d planned to say good morning.
After a few frozen moments he put Ghost down. She immediately ran, and may possibly never visit me again, but that’s infinitely better than if he’d killed her. I’m extremely glad not to have to find out how I would have coped with that.
Kaoren’s eyes were wide, and he took a long breath, then said: "Give me a moment," and went into the bathroom, leaving me with a total reversal of feeling. No bubbles, just a sinking sense that I’d ruined everything already. I sat on the edge of the bed with my knees drawn up to my chin and wondered how I’d been stupid enough to forget how Kaoren Ruuel had been raised.
But sitting hunched up in a ball playing misery-me wasn’t going to help, so I uncurled, rested my hands loosely at my sides, and ran through a couple of the visualisation exercises he’d given me, which are as good for calming yourself down as they are for guiding your dreams. I’m pretty sure Kaoren recognised what I was doing, because he paused a moment at the door when he came back, then sat down beside me and looked down at my hand, just an inch from his leg. He put his own hand in the gap I’d left between my hand and my leg: a very deliberate placement, fingers just short of brushing mine.
"Have you ever touched animal you weren’t in process of killing?" I asked, and wasn’t at all surprised when he said no. "Sorry," I went on. "Should have thought about that when Ghost arrived."
"Another of the things about this world which barely make sense to you." He shifted his fingers so that one rested against mine. "We both have a lot of learning to do."
This was tremendously encouraging, and I relaxed properly, thinking that of course he would have had to be very very certain about wanting me to have ever come near me in the first place. For all he’d said he didn’t.
"Will you tell me why?" I asked, struggling to keep my voice from going small. "Other than second level monitoring, which is – will someone watch this?"
"The beginning." Kaoren didn’t sound happy about it either. "To be certain I didn’t coerce you."
"Is it against the rules to sleep with me?"
"Not in so many words. Hardly possible to forbid you any form of relationship. But it’s been made very clear that you are not an exotic toy." He moved his fingers further, so they curled against my palm. "All that, who you are, oversight committees, the need to even discuss this with anyone – those are annoying, but not by any means enough reason to stay away from you."
I was finding the spare touch of his fingers amazingly distracting – along with the knowledge that Place Sight would make my reaction more than clear – but managed to ask: "Keep nearly dying?"
"That of course is difficult. Even just thinking of you distracts me from the focus I need to be most effective, and I do not want or appreciate that. But, far more than that, you enhance my Sights. I avoid contact with people even when my Sights are at normal levels. And there was a not inconsiderable risk that such extreme sensitivity while sleeping–"
"Worse dreams than me." Another thing which I hadn’t even thought about.
"The reverse seems to occur, though." He lifted his hand away from mine, and held it out before him, looking at the outspread fingers. "My ability to control is enhanced, not simply strength."
I felt immensely stupid for seeing how often he had nightmares, how he struggled with all he could see, but never considering what my effect on that part of him might do to his opinion of crawling into bed with me. "But what changed your mind?"
"Four nights of dreams featuring Els Haral."
I didn’t understand, despite the twist to his mouth, a kind of disgusted amusement. Then I counted back four days, and realised that when Fourth Squad had arrived back from Muina they’d seen me being so incredibly excited at Els' suggestion that I try projecting memories, and Els being, well, whatever it is Els is with me.
"Jealous." Impossible not to enjoy the idea, for all that nightmares about me and Els had left him dangerously exhausted. I lifted my hand, palm up so it met his from below. "Will have to thank Els for that, some time."
So now I know he does have a sense of humour, because he let out his breath in a tiny snort, and then gave me a "you’ll pay for that" look, and then we went back to being immensely non-verbal, up through to a second shower with a lot of steamy kissing, but not enough time for more. Kaoren still came close to being late for a pre-rotation meeting with Maze.
They’re all in the spaces at the moment, and I’m not close to having adjusted mentally. I’m not really in the mood for my scheduled swimming, and keep wondering if there’s someone somewhere watching me having sex.