They ran. Abandoned their ball and scurried like rabbits through archways and doors, looking genuinely frightened. The girl pretended she hadn’t noticed, and strode chin held high across to another stair, managing to kick the little ball into a muddy patch as she did so. I had to wonder what she’d done to make them so scared of her.
I described the dream to Kaoren this morning, which mainly served to spark a discussion on whether I was supposed to wake myself up from all of my dreams, or just the ones we’ve established are a problem. He wasn’t even sure himself which was the better response to dreams about unhappy little girls, and uncertainty’s a pretty rare thing for Kaoren. Then he told me to write a report up describing in tedious detail everything I’d seen, including any decorations, and style of the buildings and types of plants and clothing. I asked the kids whether Nurans ever played with balls made of cloth, and Rye shrugged and said balls were made of lots of things.
Training, training, training all day. I’m far more toned than I ever imagined being. Mara has recovered really well, although she still has a fair bit of cosmetic work to do to get rid of the scars. The skin on my stomach has settled down, although there’s a faint difference between the new and old skin. Nothing so bad as to need another session.
Today’s test was just another visualisation, with no ill effects, but tomorrow we’re going to go into the Ena so I can attempt to visualise Pandora. Four squads as guards, and they’ve had drones set up out there to scan for any sign of Cruzatch.
We had Siame over to our apartment for dinner. Kaoren wants to have her more regularly involved in our lives to make her feel less excluded. That went okay, I guess – she at least has decided to talk to me now, if only to ask questions about precisely how my talents work, and what exactly was the crisis which sent us back to Tare. That was more detail than I’d given the kids, and I had to be careful not to show any hesitation in letting them know more about what was going on with me. I think it would be harder on them to feel we were keeping the truth from them, than to know.
Sen insisted on showing Siame her spruced-up bedroom. Rye was cautiously polite. Ys was silent unless asked a direct question. I’m hoping things will get more relaxed as these meetings go on. Kaoren’s looking worn again – he hates how unhappy Siame is. I think I’ll see how he feels about back rubs.
Saturday, September 27
Edge of Drama
I dreamed about that girl again. At least this time I knew to try and spot identifying marks, for all that there was precious little to see. I wanted to try doing a projection of it, which is so much simpler than trying to describe things, but when I suggested it later Kaoren and Maze said to not try that yet. It was duller than the first dream – the girl was in a narrow corridor (possibly even a secret passage), apparently eavesdropping on conversations.
These were muffled – whitestone blocks sound pretty efficiently, and unlike the girl I couldn’t press my ear to what I guess were purpose-built listening holes. Besides, I think they might have been talking in old Muinan. The tone of the voices was mostly casual, occasionally intimate. Finally the girl stopped to listen at a room where I wasn’t even sure what I was hearing. A group of people, yes, male and female, angry and worried, not quite shouting, but the words sounded like bells and thunder; resonant, strange, inhuman. Then the conversation abruptly faded, a deep voice said a couple of short words, and the girl took off at a run.
I woke up then, and snuggled into Kaoren’s side, and tried to decide why I was dreaming these things. The best I could come up with is that I’m dreaming about the last touchstone’s life, before the disaster on Muina. She looks about the right height for that small, shrouded figure. That’s nothing more than a guess, but Maze and Kaoren haven’t been able to suggest any solid alternatives. Of course, if it is the last touchstone’s life, then anything or nothing could be important. It’s given the technicians something else to argue about, and during the debate about whether I should sleep in medical I considered just not mentioning any more dreams, but I’ve accepted that enduring medical is part of what I need to do.
The test in the Ena was uneventful. I visualised the café at Pandora, and found it dark – night-time there. It was tiring enough that I didn’t mind a nap afterwards, in medical or not, and again had no dramas.
Tomorrow they’re going to have me do another projection of the place where I was dream-trapped. Kaoren’s not keen on this, and nor am I really, but it is the logical next step. They’re bringing Inisar back from Muina to get the benefit of his Sight Sight as well.
Sunday, September 28
Stress
No dream of girl last night. I didn’t know whether to be relieved or disappointed. Today the visualisation of the room I’d been trapped in went smoothly, right up until they started talking about lifting the cloth covering the figure. Maze moved toward it, and I said: "Don’t!"
My heart rate spiked through the roof, and I lost the projection, and then couldn’t explain why I’d felt so panicked. Maybe it was just the idea that they might lift that cloth and the little girl I’ve been dreaming about would be lying there. Or what’s left of her. I earned myself an extra-long time in medical as a result, and then while I was there news came in that there’d been a massive attack on Kolar South.
The Kolaren Setari and military had managed to kill it, but people had died, including two of the Setari. The two who died weren’t Setari I’d met, and I feel bad that this makes it easier for me. Everyone’s looking seriously stressed out – massive attacks have never been close to so frequent before this. The kids picked up on it – or probably had been reading the news services again, which were full of doom-laden predictions.
I’m pretty sure I’m going to have nightmares tonight, no matter what visualisations I try. I’m just too upset by the idea of more and more massive attacks.
Monday, September 29
Settled
Nice to be right. I kept having projective nightmares, over and over – mostly the Velcro massive dream. I’ve become very adept at recognising them and making myself wake up, fortunately. I put into effect Kaoren’s suggestion to try to wake myself up from anything even mildly disturbing, even when I’m not sure if it’s a dream, and am feeling all the better for that working. Otherwise, right now I wouldn’t be able to risk sleeping anywhere near other people. Poor Kaoren woke with me each time, and after the fourth dream we gave up and had hot drinks – and then I heard Sen murmuring and fretting, so I went and smoothed tangled threads of hair off her forehead until she settled down. Since she was as usual in Ys' bed, I managed to wake Ys in the process, but I just gave her the same treatment, and she stood it for a full ten seconds before turning her head away.