My horrified reaction to this made him laugh, and he stood up, opening the door. "The correct response to that should be And not for the first time!, but I’ll forgive you the lapse. We’ve covered enough for me to write this report, anyway."
He left, but I sat there for a while, thinking about how different from the usual Nils he’d been, how he’d given me a lecture, and a warning, and calmed me down at the same time. And that he hadn’t tried to pretend that I hadn’t hurt him. Kaoren came to check on me, and since the meeting room is more private than my medical room, I climbed into his lap and kissed him a lot, then told him how awful I felt about invading Nils' privacy like that, and wanted to know if he had any suggestions for how to not ever do that again. I wish he’d said yes, that there was something instant and immediate and certain. He did say it shouldn’t be overlooked that Nils is an extremely strong Illusion talent, which is a thing not completely dissimilar from my projection abilities, and suggested that I should think over any distinctive aspects of the dream so that I can try to escape it as it forms. I spent the rest of the day trying to find a big enough rock to crawl under.
But there’s no place to hide in a facility designed to observe you, and I had little chance of escaping Maze, though he did give me until lunchtime, after First came back from a morning patrol. He took me up to eat lunch on the roof, which would otherwise be a treat given that I’m not allowed out of the compound.
He gave no sign of being upset, and when we were both sitting asked: "Did you know Nils was once a captain candidate?" He didn’t wait for an answer, going on: "One of the best, but he withdrew his candidacy shortly before he and Helese stopped seeing each other. It bothered 'Lese a great deal, because she knew she was the reason, though she couldn’t argue against his logic, since he said he wouldn’t put a squad in danger because his focus wasn’t on them. Nils doesn’t argue, or discuss the things which matter to him: he decides his preferred course and carries it out. When he saw how powerfully drawn 'Lese was to me, he switched himself out of a position of responsibility and quietly ended their relationship. Almost everyone believes it was the mutual waning of interest he claimed, for he loathes exposing his true feelings, and hides them very well."
"Hope you’re not trying to make me feel better," I said, feeling about an inch tall.
"I’m trying to identify what caused this," he said, grave and calm. "Today, there’s only one thing Nils would have been focused on. The dream was about 'Lese, wasn’t it?"
I nodded, mouse-like.
"That makes your dream far less likely to be only triggered by you, you see. The sheer strength of Nils' emotion may be the reason you dreamed as you did. In a way he may have shaped your power, just as it is believed the Ena is shaped by the minds, thoughts and feelings of the living."
"Do you believe that?" I asked. I’ve been far, far too interested in Zee’s and Nils' relationship to regard a handily-delivered explanation as anything but the result of my own curiosity.
"I believe a dream about 'Lese on 'Lese’s birthday is unlikely to be coincidence. This really matters to you, doesn’t it?"
"It–" I was burningly embarrassed all over again. "Even if didn’t mean it, it was violation. If someone did that to me, I don’t know if could stand look at them ever again."
"Then learn how to prevent it," Maze said, straightforwardly. "Knowing that the dreamer is reliving their past will no doubt give you extra determination, even if the dream is not one you control." He gave me one of his glorious smiles. "We’re not going to hate you for this, Caszandra. Certainly not Nils, who is far too just. And we have a certain amount of experience accepting that Place and Sight Sight talents will know far more about our inner lives than we’d care to reveal. Like you, they are generally generous enough not to treat that knowledge as gossip."
But nor does anyone really like the fact, even without having it underlined by being forced to relive the best and worst days of your life. The idea that it was Nils driving the dream, not me, isn’t any more comforting, since that means that my dreams, my projections, can be controlled from outside by people other than touchstones.
I’ve been stressed out all day, and don’t want to sleep and I’m painfully aware that everyone, from Kaoren to the technicians, has been wracking their brains trying to find a way to calm me down. I didn’t even want to write in my diary, but Kaoren asked me to because he thinks it will help.
I used to like sleeping.
Monday, October 13
Stasis
Kaoren did the otters visualisation with me before I went to sleep, and this was familiar and comfortable enough that I was able to recognise when I started projecting it, and to keep it as my own dream rather than manifest it. This small advance in control has made me feel vaguely hopeful overall, and at least I felt well-rested when I woke up, and not nearly so tense and sick.
But I still don’t want to go anywhere near Nils or First Squad and so was less than keen to be sent for basic stepping exercises with Mara. Mara was a particular hurdle, since I had after all watched her have sex with Nils and didn’t know how much that night had mattered to her, or the timing of her relationship with Lohn, or anything. But she didn’t ask questions, only gave me a quizzical, evaluating look, then took me through the stepping exercises, and didn’t act at all curious about what I may or may not have been dreaming. After that, Lohn showed up and wanted to know how the kids were going and how they were taking to Siame – which seems to be a hostile truce at the moment – and we ended up making a channel with them and playing games for much of the afternoon.
Siame approached the games in the same manner as Kaoren – incisive and methodically competent, not holding back, but not apparently concerned about victory. The atmosphere changed when Fourth came back from their patrol, and Kaoren joined in. Against him Siame was competitive.
Lohn was very amused by this, and afterwards when all four squads were together for dinner/breakfast, he told Kaoren that he felt he should be insulted by how Siame obviously rated him and Mara. Everyone was being chatty, doing their best to put me at my ease, and when Nils leaned down at dinner to murmur in my ear: "This is just to make you blush," of course I did, and managed to give him the proper annoyed grimace afterwards. But I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to not feel guilty every time I see him.
Tuesday, October 14
Forward
Big progress, not from me, but from the exploration team led by Third who have been exploring Oriath, the middle-sized city in the southern hemisphere mentioned by Lira. They’ve located an extra-large underground facility, with requisite malachite marble, a fair distance outside the city. Eeli is very proud of herself, and rightly so, since they’re hoping this may be the headquarters of the House Zolen conspirators. Planning is already underway to create a research site there, and to my relief there’s also discussion about moving me back to Pandora, since I’ve spent a few days on Muina now without having a major medical crisis. Particularly because they want to divert some of my excessive escort to the Oriath site. They’ve sent Eighth off to join Third already.