By the time we reached the ramp my heart-rate was spiking out of sheer scaredy-cat, and I leaned against Kaoren in a not very mission-like attitude as I streamed to them the whispering I could hear. And then over the interface I suggested that most everyone wander a little way away because I could still feel Lira there and I was hoping she would manifest herself.
Everyone except Kaoren, Maze and Tsur Selkie went off around a corner, and Maze and Tsur Selkie stood as far away from me as they were willing to go, and then I said out loud: "I’d really like to talk to you, Lira."
When she appeared, she was kind of tucked against my leg and behind me, as if hiding from having to look directly at the ramp.
"I’ll try not to cry all over the place this time," I said, having to clutch Kaoren rather a bit to stop myself from being visibly upset. "We’re trying to find a way to get further down."
"That’s where you think this room is," Lira said, sounding very subdued. "Can you hear it talking?"
"Yes."
"What are you planning to do if you get down there?"
"Silence it," said Kaoren, his voice quiet and even and firm. "We don’t understand what they did well enough to undo it gracefully. We can only try to pull it apart and hope we don’t destroy everything else along with it. We don’t know what will happen to you, Liranadestar."
I’m glad he was there. I don’t think I could have said that to her. She looked up at him, this terribly grave, measuring stare. Then said: "It’s the words which are making the things you put there fall apart," she said. "The words are eating them."
She vanished, disappearing from underneath my hand – and out of my senses. I felt too sick about it all to even talk, but I watched as they tossed a couple more balls down the ramp, and they now have a log of what I heard, showing that the quality and strength of the whispers changes when you toss something down there.
First stayed at the site, and Fourth was flown back to the platform town with me, and we hopped through Kalasa to Pandora, and we’re all on our way to Tare now – including Siame and Eeli. Seeing Eeli in medical was a shock, but I think perhaps I’m glad I got the chance. Even though I still can’t sense any hint of her inside the body they’re keeping alive, I asked if I could spend some time with her, and told her all about Taarel’s hair, and how I think Inisar likes Taarel, and how much everyone misses her.
After that, I managed to talk Kaoren into getting some sleep – he looks to me like he hasn’t been sleeping since Fourth was sent back to Oriath, and when I need to go to sleep, I want him not to be exhausted. The kids and I sat next to him and played games most of the trip, with me being very reassuringly not ill and not vomiting and not in a coma. They’ve tanked now too, and most of the rest of Fourth, and I’m pretty tired, but I’m holding out till we’re home. Not much longer.
A couple of days on Tare has made my birthday plans for Siame fall apart rather, since I doubt she’ll be returning to Muina with us, and barring dramas we’re due to go back the day before her birthday. I’m trying to decide whether to buy something for her. It’s made it easier to deal with Kaoren and Rye’s presents, though. Kaoren’s is something I’ve been experimenting with for a while – holding a nice stone I picked up and trying to fill it with feelings which he’ll be able to sense with Place. The problem is I can’t tell if it’s worked. At least I can shop for Rye and maybe for Sen as well while I’m here.
Thursday, October 30
Spiritual
After all that fuss, I slept without any dreams at all, let alone being trapped anywhere. Kaoren says that just showed that the tactic of moving me before I was drawn in worked.
Nice quiet day, anyway. I had no medical appointments, no training, and since Fourth Squad has this time as leave, Kaoren and I could spend a lot of time together, and he could spend the morning with Siame. He’s not happy because she’s chosen to go home to their parents (she’s only just reached the point of not being tubed up, and will be a month or so in straight recovery mode). He doesn’t consider it a healthy environment for her, but he’s not arguing and is taking her home tomorrow (a complicated trip because she can’t really sit up for long periods). I am thoroughly relieved that there’s no suggestion I go with them, even though it is a bit weird to not meet or even talk to the parents of the person you’re engaged to. With the interface, Kaoren could arrange that easily, and the fact that he hasn’t does make me wonder what they’ve been saying to him. I have seen pictures of them, and also his brother – they’ve inescapably been drawn in by the publicity surrounding my engagement to Kaoren and were also minorly well-known beforehand, at least in art circles, but haven’t been interested in discussing Kaoren and me with the press at all, beyond Kaoren’s mother giving the Setari program a bit of a serve.
I put in a lot of shopping – noting with some awe the way the amount in my account keeps going up, earning interest and adding in my wages. I also surveyed the current tone of the gossip about me and the kids, not to mention the universe falling apart, the inadequacy of KOTIS, and the Cruzatch spies in our midst.
In the afternoon we were able to take the kids swimming. Zan couldn’t make it, but Ys and Rye are confident enough now that they don’t need a person devoted entirely to them. Still swimming with frantic inefficiency, but no longer with overtones of panic. Ys swims with dogged determination – nothing like being dropped in a lake to demonstrate to her that this is a useful skill – but Rye’s really loving it, and I cheerfully taught him some different dives (notably bomb dives). Sen is still slightly scared by the whole thing, but is happy enough so long as one of us is sticking within arm’s-length.
And she always radiates a deep sense of contentment when we do family activities. I think the older two still don’t fully realise that Sen sought me out not because she wanted parents, but because she wants Ys and Rye to have parents. I don’t feel particularly used, though. Sen does genuinely like me – her Sights may have told her I was useful, but it’s the way Kaoren and I behave which prompts all those joyous little hugs, and she will turn to me for comfort if she’s upset.
Kaoren and I were sitting in my window-seat discussing the kids' development, but I got a little distracted by how beautiful he is and started kissing him, and enjoying very much Kaoren’s usual reaction whenever I try to take charge. We’ve already learned not to go stripping off in unlocked rooms, and were just getting to the stage of deciding we needed to move when we realised we had an audience: Ys and Lira. I had to laugh at them.
"You look like twins," I said, which drew a fierce scowl from both of them.
"No we don’t," Ys said. They don’t, either, other than having typical Lantaren colouring. Lira is very good-looking, a bit similar in structure to Sen or Zee, with long, thick hair. Ys is skinny, almost boyish, and her hair is thin and fine and uncooperative. And Rye keeps reminding me of Nils, but without all the smouldering. [Thankfully!]
"You do when you’re both pulling a face like this," I said, twisting my mouth with scornful disgust, and laughing at them again because they both reacted with the same angry annoyance. "Hello again, Lira," I said, before they thought to storm off. "Is it harder to project all the way to another planet?"
"Is that where this is?" Lira glanced past us to the towering thunderstorm approaching outside. "I suppose it might be. They’re building another trap for you, so maybe it’s good that you’re not there."