Zee came with me, waiting while I hit the bathroom and then seeing me settled back in my chair-pod.
"You’re upset about something," she said, one hand on the pod’s lid. "More than just the headache."
"Didn’t want become more important," I said. If I’m the only one who can give people security clearance, no-one here will ever be willing to let me leave.
Zee gave me an unexpectedly amused look. "I thought it was something like that. Just consider the alternative, if you hadn’t been able to stop it." She gestured for me to lie down, adding: "You can make the cover opaque, if the light bothers you. Get some sleep."
It was a fair point. We would have all died. Zee definitely knows how to quash signs of self-pity.
I figured out how to make the cover opaque, but dozed more than slept until after we’d taken off because the Ddura just wouldn’t shut up, though it calmed down a lot. Even worse would have been if everyone had died except for me. I don’t know if I would have been able to cope with that. As it is, I’m not sure that I can cope with what I did totally by accident. Every time I try and think through the consequences of that security clearance my mind runs away.
I must have needed more sleep than I realised, since when Zee woke me up again we were back on Tare. And then it was more scans in medical, and a long attempt to describe exactly what I’d done and thought after I touched the platform. My sleep patterns are totally messed up, but until I have something scheduled, I guess it doesn’t matter what shift I’m awake during. Other than the medical scans, I’ve stayed in my room, just writing and trying not to think of everyone dropping dead in front of me because it hadn’t occurred to me to try touching the platform.
Change
Mara came by to tell me the results of the scans on the Setari who were on the Muina mission. Aether has the same effect on them now that it does on me. Just those four squads, though. It still attacks anyone who doesn’t have security clearance.
"How are big arguments going?"
"Lively. I doubt they’ll change the scheduling of the next mission, but there’s a good chance they’ll alter the numbers. It’s all very well to talk of taking things slowly, but whoever says that also fully expects that they’ll be included." She pulled a face. "And that’s only in KOTIS. It will be impossible to keep this from going public for long, and then we’ll be factoring in a thousand special interest groups and the media. Muina is such an emotive issue."
"Can’t imagine Tarens actually living Muina. Never go outside."
"A huge adjustment," she agreed, kicking me lightly for the teasing. "Though I agree that some of those insisting on joining the next mission are going to find all that horizon a challenge. The Setari have the benefit of environment training, but other parts of KOTIS aren’t nearly so prepared."
"Looked like the leaves were turning. Will be very pretty."
She didn’t know what I meant, and we spoke for a while about Autumn and Winter – Tare doesn’t seem to have seasons beyond stormy and really stormy – and then about the potential pressure on the Setari of trying to work on two different planets. All of the squads which went to Muina yesterday are on rotation tomorrow, and the next day is the start of the extended mission. Mara warned me that while Third and/or Fourth will certainly be sent, they’re likely to use other squads to support them.
"Taarel and Ruuel are both people you can be confident with. If something happens that worries you or makes you uncomfortable, overcome this tendency to keep it to yourself. Object if there’s things you don’t want to do."
At that particular moment I was watching Ghost walk across the room behind Mara, and hoping she didn’t turn around. I wonder what she made of my expression.
"Will object if think will make difference," I said, reasonably enough. I didn’t want to have a needle in my spine, after all, but was sure that if I’d objected it would have meant being stuck in medical even longer until someone came and explained to me that it was important. "Would you live on Muina, if able?"
She didn’t answer immediately, then shrugged. "I find it very hard to picture being able to. But it’s certainly nice to know it might one day be an option."
Thursday, March 20
Interlude
Today I finally tracked down a place where I could buy a new diary: paper products do exist on this world, they’re just rare. It was amazingly expensive, and won’t be delivered before I leave for Muina tomorrow, but I think I’ve enough book left to last. I’m taking this one with me, since we’re packing for an extended stay. I’m bringing my old school backpack, which amuses me a lot.
They’ve assigned the squads: Second, Third, Fourth and Eighth. So no new squads, and none of the ones I really don’t feel comfortable with. I wish First was going though. Who am I going to chat with?
What happens this trip is incredibly important to me. I really need for it to be possible for someone else to give people security clearance.
Friday, March 21
Poetry, Death
I succeeded in being well-rested and on time for today’s mission. It’s scheduled to last three days and we’re currently about to go through the big gate into deep-space. Eeli took care of any initial uncertainty I had by glomming on to me the second I showed up and taking me on a tour of the Litara, though by this time the only areas I hadn’t seen were the flight deck, the research labs, and the airport lounge meeting areas.
There was still some time before take-off by the time she brought me back to the pods, but most of Second and Third Squad were already sitting waiting. You have to stay in your pod for take-off and landing, and when you go through the gate to deep-space.
"Are you able to tell me the rest of the poem now?" Eeli asked, as soon as I’d sat sideways on my seat. I could have wished she’d not waited till we had an audience, but at least it was only two squads.
"Guess. Is poem written by man name Dylan Thomas. Wrote for his father who was dying." I felt marvellously uncomfortable, adding: "My voice really not suited to this," but making an effort to put some feeling into it. I only know the poem because it was one of the few that we’d had to read in Eng-lit which I didn’t outright hate. I certainly don’t go round reciting at the drop of a hat.
I got through it by looking only at Eeli, but my face felt very red at the end. "That what wanted?" I asked, feeling even worse when I looked around and saw that I had all the captains watching me from the far door, along with those who’d been in the room when I started.
Eeli was enthralled, and said: "You sounded totally different! Like a different person!"
Annoyed, I told her: "Can actually speak own language, after all."
"But what does it mean?" Nils from Second asked, watching from the pod directly opposite. "A part of that was what you said in the Pillar, right?"
"Yes. Translation very bad, sorry." I read off the translation I’d been working on, wishing the captains would go away. If that gets put in the mission report I’ll be extremely peeved.