“No,” Nicolas and I both said in unison.
“I’ll have to escort you all outside if you can’t be civil,” he said.
It would probably look bad for Abby and me to leave. At that moment, I just didn’t care. Seeing Nicolas look at Abby. Looking at Abby with Gwen at his feet, imagining . . .
“We were just leaving,” I said, putting the food and water down and taking Abby’s hand.
But that, of course, wasn’t enough for Nicolas.
“When you can’t be what she needs, either,” he called out as we wove our way through the living room to gather Abby’s coat, “be sure to give her my number. I might not mind the sloppy seconds in her case.”
His laugh echoed behind us.
The ride home was quiet. Looking back, I knew Abby was probably afraid to talk. That she wasn’t sure of what to say. At the time, however, I just assumed she wasn’t talking because she had her collar on and didn’t want to speak first, or out of turn.
I don’t remember much of the drive home. It seemed to take no time at all before I pulled into our driveway and up to the house.
I slammed the car door and walked over to open hers. I didn’t say anything as she got out of the car and walked behind me up the front stairs.
“Playroom in ten minutes,” I said, because it was what she expected and what I assumed she wanted.
I took Apollo out, but it was all very mechanical. One foot in front of the other type stuff. Nothing requiring me to pull my mind away from Nicolas and Gwen and the myriad emotions they’d caused in me.
Abby knelt in the playroom when I made it up the stairs. I registered the fact that she still wore her party outfit.
You didn’t tell her to take it off.
I told her to disrobe and move to the padded table, though to be honest, I really didn’t have a solid plan as to what I was going to do. She stood, undressed quickly, and walked to the table.
As she did so, I went to the cabinets, hoping to be inspired by what I found there. I picked up a heavy flogger, remembering the last time I used it. It had been with Gwen. I ran my fingers through the tails.
Nicolas’s voice echoed in my head. When you can’t be what she needs, either.
I was exactly what she needed, I told myself. I turned. She was positioned, bent over the table, waiting.
Why didn’t it occur to me that Nicolas and Gwen would be at the party?
Why didn’t I think to warn her about him?
I took slow, careful steps to where she waited.
I should have told her when I first saw them.
She waited.
I brought my free hand back and spanked her a few times. She held completely still as the color slowly rose to her skin.
I’ll always be what she needs.
I lifted the flogger and struck her on her upper thighs. She gave a short intake of breath. I took it as a sign to move forward and struck her higher. On her ass the next time.
I was still hearing Nicolas’s laugh when I brought the flogger down the third time.
She shifted before me. “Yellow.”
Time stopped.
“Yellow,” she whispered again. “Please.”
I blinked.
I stared at the flogger I held in horror. What am I doing? “Stop,” I whispered as the flogger fell to the ground. Then I spoke louder. “Red. Oh, hell. Red.”
She looked up and over her shoulder. “Master?”
“I’m sorry.” I shook my head. “I can’t.”
She looked truly worried for the first time. “Nathaniel?”
I turned and went into the bathroom adjoining the playroom and took a bathrobe hanging from a hook. When I made it back, I draped it around her, then unhooked her collar and slipped it into my pocket.
I was shaking when I took her hand. “Come to the bedroom with me?”
“Nathaniel?” she asked as we walked down the hall. “Are you okay?”
I didn’t answer her. I didn’t know how.
Once we made it to the bedroom, I climbed onto the bed and pulled her into my lap, smelled her hair. I needed her to ground me after the intensity of the night. I needed to feel her in my arms, to know she was with me.
“I’m sorry,” I finally said. “I should have never asked you to go into the playroom tonight. Not after what happened at the party. Thank you for using your safe word.”
“What happened?”
“I wasn’t in the right frame of mind,” I said. “Not after seeing them. I thought I could do it, though. Thought it was what you wanted and that you’d be disappointed if we didn’t.”
“This is about that couple, isn’t it?”
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I should have realized they’d be there and mentioned them to you. When I saw them the first time, I should have said something.”
“Who are they?” She reached up and smoothed her hands over my hair. I hadn’t realized I’d been pulling at it.
“After Melanie and I split,” I said. “Well, after I broke it off with her, I dove back into the scene hard-core. I hadn’t played in more than six months. I was anxious to get back.”
She nodded. “I can understand that.”
“Gwen and I met at a party. Gwen’s the woman with Nicolas,” I said. “I never collared her. We never made it past the test weekend.”
“Why?”
“She needed more than I could give.”
She tilted her head. “Like Melanie?”
“No,” I said, then whispered, “More pain.”
I felt guilty remembering how Jackson asked me if I knew of any available women my first weekend with Abby and how I’d joked with myself about giving him her name.
“Oh,” she replied in her own whisper.
“Everything with her was always green. She always wanted more,” I said. “And I couldn’t do it. It’s like the breath play—I know my own limits. I know how much pain I’m willing to inflict and what I can’t.”
She nodded. “And Nicolas?”
“Obviously gives her what she wants,” I said. “Which is fine. He’s an asshole, but he’s not abusive. His remark about playing with you was inappropriate, however. I’ll think about how to handle that later.”
She snorted. “I’d agree with you on the asshole part.”
“I’d like for us to talk later about when play borders on or becomes abuse,” I said. “I think it’s an important topic.” I thought for a second. “Maybe have an open-forum-type discussion at the next meeting.”
“You mean when someone asks for something that’s dangerous?” she asked. “Is that what Gwen did to you?”
“She didn’t ask for anything dangerous,” I said. “Just more than I was comfortable doing. Which is why it’s important to know your limits, both as a dom and as a submissive. I knew how far I was willing to go. I don’t so much see it as failing with her. We were just incompatible. I should have known it wouldn’t work out. I gave more stringent guidelines to Godwin after Gwen.”
“But seeing me standing next to Nicolas?”
I closed my eyes briefly and nodded. “Yes. I think it was what he said: ‘When you can’t be what she needs either.’”
“Oh, Nathaniel.”
“I think it just played upon my old fears,” I said. “Made me upset, and I couldn’t get into the frame of mind I need to be in to play.”
“You didn’t actually think I’d leave you for Nicolas?”
“Hell, no. That never once occurred to me.” I smiled for the first time in hours. “Progress, yes?”
“I’ll say,” she said. She smiled so big I couldn’t help but lean down and kiss her. “Mmm,” she said. “What was that for?”
“For loving me,” I said. “For putting up with me. For trusting me.” I pulled back, feeling a little better since we’d talked about everything. “I should never have told you to go into the playroom.”