“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner,” I say. “I wasn’t sure—”
“Sloane,” Dallas interrupts, “it’s fine. It’s not like we’ve only been tolerating you for The Treatment.” She pauses. “Okay, maybe at first. But now, hell—we’re, like, almost-friends.” She flashes her wide smile, and the tension evaporates. “Besides,” she adds, “James will be back soon anyway with The Treatment. Then we’ll figure out what to do next.” Cas agrees, and I’m so grateful they’re not mad. If anything, it might make them search for James a little harder.
“Oh.” Dallas snaps her fingers and looks at Cas. “We’re low on funds and I need to pay for some information. Got a connection?”
Cas grabs a bottle of water sitting on the grass and takes a sip. It hadn’t occurred to me that we needed money. On the first day, Dallas and Cas collected what Realm’s sister had given us. I never thought to question where else they get money from.
“I’ll get us the cash,” Cas says, sounding exhausted. “I haven’t let you down yet, have I?” Dallas shakes her head.
“Where does the money come from?” I ask. Cas side-eyes me, and takes another drink.
“He never says,” Dallas announces. “I think he’s a thief, but I figure we’re all allowed our secrets. And if my little klepto wants to borrow from the more fortunate, then so be it. It’s keeping us fed.”
“One day we’ll have lobster and steak,” he says, grinning behind the top of his water.
“You cook,” Dallas says.
“Hell yes. I’m not going to let you burn it.”
We’re all smiling, but it has to be at least three in the morning by now. I say my good nights, and Dallas and Cas stay behind. I don’t think they’re going to fight anymore. I don’t think they’re going to hook up, either. It makes me like them both a little more in a weird way. Their friendship is so honest and easy, and once again I see another side of Dallas. Combined with the news that James is currently safe from The Program for now, and I almost hopeful about this whole situation.
The days pass slowly, comfortably. It’s early one morning when I find Realm by the back door, a wide smile plastered across his face. It’s so out of character that I actually look around the kitchen to make sure I’m not missing something. When I see it’s just us, I put my hand on my hip and laugh.
“What?” I ask, returning his smile. Rather than answer, Realm takes the handle of the back door and opens it. I stare out over the yard, my eyes widening as a gentle breeze that smells like grass blows in. There are at least six deer in our backyard; one is a baby. They’re so beautiful. I take a step toward them, and Realm puts his finger to his lips.
“Shh . . .” he says, turning to watch them too. I go to stand next to him, and he puts his arm over my shoulders. “It’s hard to remember the good sometimes,” he whispers.
The deer continue to eat out of the old garden, and the baby is lying in the grass. The property is even prettier in the morning light: green and alive. How can there be a suicide epidemic when nature can be so soft and gentle? How can anything horrible happen in a place like this? I lean my head on Realm’s chest as we watch the deer, lost in a beauty we forgot existed.
“What are you guys doing?” Cas calls from behind us. One of the deer turns its head, its ears twitching. Cas stomps over to where we are, not quiet and not subtle. “Oh shit,” he says, pointing to the yard. Two of the deer immediately scamper off, and the rest freeze, looking in our direction. “Should we kill one and eat it?” Cas asks.
I scoff and turn to stare at him. Realm chuckles, lowering his arm from my shoulders. By the time I look back at the deer, they’re gone. Disappointment weighs me down. I liked the feeling the deer gave me; I liked feeling small next to nature.
Cas sighs and then walks back into the kitchen, reaching into the lower cabinets to pull out a heavy pan. He fills it with water and sets it on the stove, clicking the burner to life. I think the idea of venison stew is still dancing through his head, but really he’s going to cook gross processed food they got from the gas station. Cas still hasn’t found money, but neither Realm nor Dallas is pressing him about it. I can see they’re getting nervous, though.
Realm comes over. “Hey,” he says. “Want to go for a walk? It’s gorgeous outside.”
I look up, feeling calm for the first time in a while. It’s hard to stay angry in a place so beautiful. I agree and tell Cas to save us some food before Realm and I go out back.
The sun is shining, but the breeze is cool, and I wrap my arms around myself as we walk over the expansive lawn toward the creek, toward the woods beyond. On the other side of us is a massive mountain range, enclosing us in the safety of nature. For a minute I’m reminded of when Realm and I were both in The Program. He brought me out to walk in the flower garden with him, and it gave me so much hope. It reminded me that there was a world to go back to.
A small wooden bridge curves over the creek, and we pause in the middle of it and rest our elbows on the railing, gazing at the house and the woods. “What are we going to do with our lives?” I ask quietly. “How long do we live out here?”
“As long as we can.” He lowers his head, and I look sideways at him. “We’ll always have to keep moving,” he says. “As long as The Program is out there, we won’t be safe.”
I know he’s right, but to admit it crushes the contentment of the moment. I exhale, long and heavy, and then stare at the world once again—wishing it could always be like this.
“I want to tell you everything, Sloane,” Realm says quietly. “But I don’t know if I can.”
My eyes are trained on the trees, but my heart begins to race. “Maybe it’s time you try,” I say. I’m not in denial; I’ve always known Realm was hiding something. But now, here, I’m scared of what he has to say.
Realm nods, leaning farther over the railing to study the streaming water below. “It’s about Dallas,” he murmurs. “I knew her before either of us were in The Program.”
I pull my eyebrows together, processing his words. Dallas met him after she got out of The Program. “What?” I ask, turning to him.
Realm’s expression is filled with pain, regret. “She was my girlfriend before she went into The Program. She just doesn’t remember.”
“Oh my God,” I say, covering my mouth. How could Dallas not know? How could Realm not tell her?
“Sloane,” he says, taking my wrist to pull my hand down. “After I took The Treatment and got my memories back, I sought her out. I’ve been trying to keep her safe.”
“Why wouldn’t you tell her then? Why would you pretend you’d only just met? Were you manipulating her by using things from your past?”
“No,” he says quickly, but then swallows hard, looking down. “A little. I did what I had to do, though. You didn’t know her. She’s not like you, Sloane.”
“What does that mean?” I’m suddenly protective of Dallas, and my anger at Realm is growing exponentially.
“She’s not strong. Sure, she tries to be. She puts on a show.” He shakes his head. “But she’s not. Dallas may think she wants her memories back, but I can tell you right now that she can’t handle them. There was her bastard father, her suicide attempt. And then there was me. I wasn’t exactly the best boyfriend.”
“I think you’re underestimating her.”
“You didn’t see her. I’m the reason Dallas went into The Program. I was suicidal, vicious, angry. I said horrible things. I wanted her sad—I made her sad. And then . . .” He stops, turning to look at the lawn as he puts his palm over his mouth, coughing a cry into it before he can compose himself.