He took her hand and put it on his penis.
“Well, what do you know about that?” she said. “Where did that come from?”
“Damned if I know. Is two times all you can handle tonight, or do you want to see what happens?”
“Let’s see what happens.”
“I was hoping you’d say that.”
Afterward she lit a cigarette and offered it to him. He shook his head. She took another drag and put it out.
She said, “What did it?”
“Damned if I know.”
“Thinking about me with him? That must of been what did it.”
“Maybe. I don’t know.”
“Well, whatever it was, I’m not complaining. Tell me something and make it the absolute truth.”
“Did this ever happen before? That’s the question, isn’t it? The answer is no, it never did.”
“Once you couldn’t make it with them, you could never make it at all.”
“Right.”
“Then I wonder what it means.”
“Beats me,” he said.
Eight
One Sunday Linda met Tanya in the hall. The actress had just closed Bill Donatelli’s door. “He wants to get some painting done,” she said. “He says I distract him.”
“I imagine you do.”
“I wanted him to paint me. He only does abstracts, but I thought I could pose nude and he could look at me while he painted an abstract, and it would give him inspiration. He said it always gave him the wrong kind of inspiration.”
“I didn’t know he ever said that many words all at once.”
“Billie talks to me. He’s very shy with most people, but he talks to me. By the way, I guess you took my advice.”
“What advice was that?”
“About, you know, physical needs.”
She was confused at first, her mind fixing on a conversation she had had with someone recently who had been trying to convince her of the virtues of organic vitamins and a vegetarian diet. Then she remembered Tanya’s theories of sexual requirements. Her advice, as far as Linda could remember, was that she ought to go out and get laid.
She said, “What makes you think I took your advice?”
“Well, I’m not saying it was anything I said that made you change your mind. It was a matter of speaking. You know, to make conversation. Not that I had anything to do with what you’re doing.”
“What am I doing?”
“You’re sleeping with Peter Nicholas.”
“I’m what?”
“Sleeping with—”
“Where did you hear that?”
“You’re not?”
“Of course not. Who told you that?”
“Gee, Linda, don’t bite my head off. Nobody told me anything. It’s just that he’s up here all the time two of you spending so much time together Gretchen the way she is and I put two and together.”
“First you have to know how to add.”
“Linda—”
“Because I know it must be news to you, but it’s possible for a man and a woman to spend time together with, out having sex together. That may come as a shock to you. Two people in a room without so much as a television set and yet they manage to keep their clothes on. Strange as it may seem—”
“Linda, what did I do?”
The girl looked on the point of tears. “I’m sorry, Tanya,” she said.
“I mean I didn’t do anything.”
“I know you didn’t, and I’m sorry. It just threw me. Peter’s the one person I can relax with completely, the one man, because he wants my company but doesn’t want anything more than that.”
“Well, I didn’t know, Linda.”
“I hope you didn’t say anything to anybody.”
“Of course not. Well, except for Billie.”
“I guess the secret’s safe with him, since you’re the only human being he talks to. Not that there’s a secret to be kept safe.”
It was two nights before she saw Peter. She was on the point of mentioning Tanya’s conversation to him and his mood changed her mind. Gretchen had had a bad day and when Gretchen had a bad day, Peter wound up in a bad mood.
Often she thought how unusual was her own special perspective on the situation. No one heard so much about the ups and downs of Gretchen Vann and spent so little time with the woman. She was often invited to stop at their apartment or to accompany them to the Raparound. At first she had tended to accept those invitations, and then she began to find excuses to decline them. She baby-sat for them occasionally, enjoying Robin’s company and happy to do them a favor, but she spent less and less time in Gretchen’s actual company.
The woman made her uncomfortable. She recognized this before she knew why. Gretchen was brittle and unstable, an enervating companion on her best days, but that didn’t explain it. Later she sorted it out. She didn’t like Gretchen’s company because Gretchen disliked her, and ultimately she guessed the reason for Gretchen’s dislike. It was suddenly obvious.
“Gretchen doesn’t like me,” she told Peter. “No, I’m serious, she doesn’t.”
“It’s just her way.”
“It’s more than that. God knows she has the right to like and dislike whomever she wants. But when I know someone dislikes me I can’t enjoy their company much.”
“Why would she—”
“Because she’s jealous.”
“Of you?”
“Of you and me.”
He was incredulous. “But that’s ridiculous!”
“Of course it is, but she doesn’t think so.”
“She knows we talk all the time, she knows it’s innocent, she never says anything—”
“And she can’t stand me. Didn’t she pull a scene awhile ago with Warren Ormont?”
“I don’t think that was jealousy, for God’s sake.”
“Well, you said he’s always making a play for you.”
“Oh, that’s just Warren’s way.”
“Yes, that’s Warren’s way and the other is Gretchen’s way. She doesn’t like Warren or me because she’s jealous, and of course it’s ridiculous but that doesn’t change the way she feels. Peter, she’s fifteen years older than you. That might not matter to either of you and there’s no reason why it has to but don’t think she’s ever going to forget about it. She’s not able to forget it. And the fact that I’m older than you myself won’t mean anything to her, because all she can see is that I’m still ten years younger than she is.”
He thought it over. “I guess I ought to stop inviting you to join us, then.”
“Yes. And maybe it would make sense if we spent less time together.”
“‘Darling, we have to stop meeting like this.’ No, I won’t buy that. That’s a little too much.”
“Well, at least don’t keep telling her how relaxed we are with one another and how easy it is for us to talk to each other. We are and it is, and the reason is we’re friends and couldn’t ever be more than friends. Gretchen is never going to see it that way.”
“You may have a point there.”
So she still kept posted on Gretchen’s emotional equilibrium but saw very little of it first hand. Item: Gretchen was off speed completely and clean. Item; Gretchen was cutting down on the tranquilizers. Item: Gretchen was working and the work was going well. Item: Gretchen was not satisfied with the work. Item: Gretchen had yelled at Robin. Item: Gretchen had met him after the play and they had gone to Sully’s with some members of the company, and she had handled herself very well. Item: Gretchen had been very good with Robin and seemed to be taking a genuine interest in the child for the first time in a long time. Item: Gretchen was drinking. Item: Gretchen was still drinking but seemed to be able to handle it. Item: Gretchen had left Robin alone for three hours one afternoon. Item: Gretchen had taken him to her shop to show oft her latest work, which she said was far and away her best. Item: Gretchen had been mean-drunk, passed out, and started in drinking again when she woke up. Item: Gretchen had gone drunk to her shop on the Towpath, where she smashed the piece of work she had been so proud of, along with all her other ceramic work and various craft items on consignment from other artisans.