“Yes, sure, what else.” She pointed to the pack of cigarettes. Karen passed her one, lit it for her. “I don’t know where to start.”
“Anyplace.”
“Yeah, I guess.”
It surprised her how easy it was to talk about it. The words flowed in a steady stream. She began with Sully’s first problems with impotence and worked her way straight through to the present. Karen never interrupted, never said a word. Sometimes Melanie averted her own gaze when she spoke about certain things, but when her eyes returned to Karen, the younger girl was always gazing straight into them, her expression one of total interest and total acceptance.
It was as if she were talking to herself, much as making love to Karen had had an autoerotic element to it. At the same time it was far more than talking to herself, even as their lovemaking had been worlds beyond simple masturbation. Karen’s ears gathered her words as Karen’s eyes gathered her own eyes, as Karen’s loins had gathered and drunk the reverse, unknown side of her womanhood.
“You get to be on the other side of the mirror.”
That had been Karen’s phrase, and Melanie had caught portions of its meaning when she heard the words but could not understand all of it until she had taken the looking-glass trip herself. She had reached the other side of the mirror in lovemaking. Now she was reaching it in speech. It seemed incredible to her that she had never done this before. It was so vital to do this. If you never looked through from the other side of the mirror then you never saw yourself plain. All you ever looked at was your reflection.
When she had finished talking, when the words ran out, she sat in silence. She was waiting, but not for Karen to speak. She was waiting to hear the echo of her own words. Then something within her that had been tight was suddenly loose, something that had been a knot untied herself. She sat perfectly still, silent, not sobbing, and tears fell out of her eyes.
When the tears stopped, she got up without a word and went down for fresh drinks. She did not wipe her tears away. When she was back in bed Karen wiped them with a touch as soft as petals.
Melanie said, “Well?”
“What a thing to keep inside you.”
“I couldn’t do it. You saw that I couldn’t.”
“What a string of changes to go through. It’s all so far-out. I’m sick of that expression but nothing else fits. It’s so completely far-out.”
“And I didn’t shock you?”
“Do I look shocked?”
“But what do you really think, Karen?”
“You probably know.”
“I have to hear it.”
“Right. Well, I think you have a beautiful thing. The thing is it works for you.”
“Sometimes I’m so disgusted with myself. And with him.”
“For putting up with it?”
“For wanting it.”
“Putting up with it might be sick. But not wanting it.”
“I know, but sometimes—”
“Sure.”
Later she said, “Karen? Could we?”
“You have to say you love me.”
“I don’t know if I can.”
“I love you, you know.”
“It’s the words, it’s getting the words out. Oh, God, what you do to me. The way you touch me. I love you. Was that what you want to hear?”
“I want to hear it a lot.”
“Oh, God, God, I do. I love you.”
And afterward, “Will you tell him about this, Melanie?”
“I was just thinking that.”
“It wouldn’t bother me.”
“I thought it would. It really wouldn’t? I think it would, but you won’t say so. You’re a Virgo but you’re devious. A Virgo on the Leo cusp. Cusp is a sexy word, isn’t it? No, I won’t tell him. Not tonight. Maybe someday. Not tonight.”
“Why?”
“Because I love you. Because this is ours. Do you know something? I am cheating on him for the first time. But it still isn’t cheating, is it? Will we see each other sometime?”
“Yes.”
“Do you have anybody else?”
“Not right now, but I will. You’re thinking that that will bother you. But it won’t.”
“I feel so strange.”
“I know.”
“So very strange.”
“I know.”
Twenty-four
Nude, Gretchen stepped onto the bathroom scale. It was new; Peter had bought it for her when she first began to gain weight. She noted now that she had only gained a pound since the last time she weighed herself. She was not sure just how long it had been, but it didn’t seem as though it could have been very long. She was always getting on that scale these days; it was something she found herself doing every time she had her clothes off.
She dressed now, humming softly to herself. This was the perfect afternoon for what she had to do. She had dropped a load of wash at the laundromat when she took Robin to play with some other children. The clothes would be ready to go in the dryer now, and on the way back she could stop at the Raparound for a cup of hot chocolate and a piece of crumb cake. Three tasks would be handled on one trip. She would be concerning herself with the business of maintaining her household, the business of gaining weight, and the business of guarding her flanks.
It was simply a matter of organization, of using time properly. Of course you had to be very intelligent to manage it and you had to possess an iron will. But none of what she was doing would be possible without an iron will.
There were times when it seemed that gaining weight was the hardest part of all. Eating was no problem. Here was where will came into play. The ordinary person ate when he was hungry and confined himself to food he enjoyed eating. But this would not do in her case. She was never hungry; she could never abide the taste of food. So she rose above herself and ate anyway, pretending to enjoy every bite she swallowed. And it was working. She was still thin but she was gaining weight.
But so slowly! Of course it was all part of the plan. They never made it easy for you. If you were overweight, then even a starvation diet brought little weight loss, while the least bit of eating shot your weight up again. If you were underweight, you had to gorge yourself put any weight on your bones, and if you relaxed vigil the pounds melted away before you knew it. It was doubly hard for her because she had to concentrate so hard. The concentration burned off valuable calories, but she didn’t dare relax her concentration for a moment.
Anything was possible if you concentrated. Anything. She could gain weight, she could manage the household, she could cook meals, she could be loving with Robin, and she could be precisely the person Peter wanted her to be. She could stay away from pills and alcohol. She could even stay away from cigarettes but had decided it might be too abrupt for her to quit smoking.
The hardest part was sleeping, but even that could be achieved by concentration. By mind over matter, or was it more accurate to call it mind over mind?
No never mind, she thought. No matter. No mind matter. No matter mind.
She had to choke back a giggle. She was alone, of course, and she might have treated herself to a giggle, but it was vital to maintain discipline. If you did so while alone, it was all the more easy to do so in company.
And how could you ever be absolutely certain you were alone? They could go anywhere; they could take all sorts of forms. You might well be alone but could not be sure of it, so you had to behave all the time as if they were watching. Even in sleep, even when Peter and Robin were themselves asleep.
She couldn’t steal his soul anymore while he slept. It was unsafe. But it was also unnecessary, for she had stolen back her sleep. Not always; there were nights when her most intense concentration would not make sleep come. But she was getting better and better at it, and soon she would have the knack mastered.