'What will you act in?'
'I don't know — something to make people laugh. And to become famous.'
'Magda,' Marek rebuked her, 'Dad's feeling rotten and you just talk drivel.'
Apparently they had said nothing to Magda about his actual condition, so she had no inhibitions about gossiping like that, whereas Marek wore a serious expression. 'I really regret not going to church for your sermons a few times, but now I've been praying for you and I'll start going to church again,' he declared in a previously prepared apology and statement of intent.
He was touched by his children. He felt regret, even shame. 'That's nice of you. But only do what you are convinced is right.' He stopped short and then he added, 'If you have sufficient strength and determination.'
'Exacdy,' said Marek, 'that's my concern.' He also brought an important message from Alois: they were postponing the wedding until Daniel returned. 'Because he wants you to marry them, and nobody else.'
'That's nice to hear, but tell him I don't know when I'll be coming back. Tell him it doesn't matter who blesses them, it means the same thing. And it's chiefly up to them if they are to be happy together.'
'They will be,' Marek promised on their behalf. Not a word was uttered abput stars or the universe. What do his children believe in, in fact? What will become of them, how will they live? Would he ever find out, even if his heart did get better? One never finds out the important things.
'We'll help you,' Marek said finally, as he was saying goodbye.
'What with?'
'Everything, of course.'
When it came to the fundamental issue one had to help oneself. What was the fundamental issue? How one lived, of course.
'You have nice children, Reverend,' his neighbour said after Marek and Magda had left. And well-behaved too, I expect.'
'Yes.' And once more he was seized with regret.
'You'll have to get back to them soon. But what is one supposed to do for one's health? I thought to myself that as soon as I'm able to get about a bit I'll make a trip to Czestochowa or Medjugorie, or even to Lourdes. What do you say, Reverend? Do you think Our Lady will help with heart trouble too?'
'No,' said Daniel. 'You'd do just as well to visit some healer in Smíchov or Košíře.'
'Don't you believe in her miraculous power, then?'
'No one will save us from death here on earth. Even Lazarus, who Jesus might actually have raised from the dead, died once more. Maybe the very next day. Or the year after.'
'I heard one priest saying how some famous scientists in America had measured the power hidden in the human brain when it's dying,' his neighbour said. 'In the case of a believer, that power is five hundred degrees positive and twenty-five times stronger than one of the most powerful radio stations in America.'
Daniel turned his back on the man. What made everyone want to talk to a clergyman about metaphysical problems? Why did they have to reel off to him all the obscurantist nonsense they'd ever heard? Would they even come and bother him when he was on his deathbed?
'In the case of an unbeliever,' his neighbour went on to say, 'the power was five hundred degrees negative.'
'Please don't tell me any more,' Daniel requested him. 'I'm a Protestant minister and my father was a doctor. I don't believe in such nonsense.'
The man relapsed into an aggrieved silence.
When Daniel first came round in the intensive care unit a week earlier, his wife was sitting facing him and stroking his hand. At the time, the pain permeated his entire body. Then it gradually receded and he could distinctly hear a familiar melody and a huge mixed choir singing faultlessly the old Calvinist hymn:
How beauteous is the blue sky, It wondrously doth bless. This gift to man from God on high Is so hard to express.
How often, though, the light of dawn Is hid by evening's fear. Man wakes perplexd and all forlorn And trust doth disappear.
Tears started to flow from him and fear concealed the light. He didn't know what he feared more, death or life. He closed his eyes and whispered to Hana, Am I dying?'
'Don't worry, everything will be all right.'
After that he no longer heard a coherent melody, just a weary, monotonous drumming.
Ever since then, Daniel had pondered on his life. The drugs that they introduced into his bloodstream filled his mind with disconnected images. They were mostly images from his own life: long-forgotten fragmentary memories and phrases were washed up and then dissolved. Faces the way they looked long ago. His mother lighting a candle before a storm, her face still unwrinkled; the high forehead, the Byzantine nose, and the halo of hair around her head. Father returning from prison emaciated, his eyes lost in the depths of their sockets. Who is this man picking him up? I'm frightened of him, he's a stranger. His sister, whose pigtail always tempted him to pull it, waits for him at some station, or maybe it isn't his sister; can it be Jitka? Jitka laid out in the closet. Jitka-no-longer, just her body. May I lift the sheet? No, don't, Reverend, the image will only haunt you afterwards. I want to see her once more. It would be better to remember her alive. The cold touch of her cheek on his lips. Hana in a long white dress with a posy of white roses. Dan, I trust you, you'll never let me down. Nor you me, I'm sure. Children running in the garden of the country manse. A dog barking: come to think of it, what was its name? Daniel just cannot remember, as if it mattered at all that the bitch was called Diana. Don't cry, my little Eva. But my ear aches. Mum will give you something warm to put around it. It's a boy. Reverend, if you'll wait there we'll bring him to show you. Marek Vedra, I baptize you in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Magda, whatever possessed you to throw spiders at people? And suddenly that unexpected woman: Don't forsake me! Darling, don't be cross with me for pouring out my unhappy soul to you in such a miserable way. I miss you. I just want to tell you that I'm happy that you're alive and thinking about me.
The pain near his heart again. Maybe he should call the nurse.
Don't think about anything that might upset you!
Augustine was the first one to talk about the heart as the site of love. A father of the church, Bishop of Hippo. During his life he had several quite worldly loves and he wasn't too worried about being unfaithful to his betrothed. For him love was the highest attribute, the true form of God. Love of God is simply a reflection of our capacity to love man.
Mount Durmitor. Dannie, would you dare tackle that chimney?
If you'll anchor me!
Lord Jesus, be with all those who are suffering and ill, and also with all those who in these moments are dying. Be with my wife and don't forsake her; look down on her in your love. Do not forsake me!
I am sated with you. You fill me with love. You are the most beautiful thing that ever happened to me in my life. I share everything with you, Dan. Sorrow, pain and even this anxiety. I've fallen in love lots of times, Daddy. I wish you a life of love, and that you should dwell in mercy, understanding, freedom and kindness.
Daniel lifted the receiver and started to dial Bara's number. If her husband answers, he'll replace the receiver. If she takes the phone, he'll simply tell her he's in hospital and still alive.
For a moment, he had the impression he had stopped breathing.
There was a ringing tone. He waited. The ringing tone continued; he realized his hand was shaking.
Apparently there was no one at the other end. Should he take it as an omen?