The Ultimate Intimacy

concealed in me that I didn't dare speak. I told her she was remarkable too and that I sensed in her a passionate longing for understanding, compassion and love. I repeated what I had already written to her: that she sought God, but projected her search on to people.

She said: 'I'm just looking for a good man, a living man. I've been looking for you. ' She came over to me and instead of backing away and making a quick departure, I took her in my arms.

It's strange how at that moment it struck me I'd first set eyes on her the day my mother died. Whose hand had thrust her into my destiny on that particular day?

Then we made love. I felt such ecstasy that I lost awareness of everything but her closeness and tenderness — and conceivably the long-forgotten tenderness that I used to feel with my first wife at such moments.

It was only when I had torn myself away from her that I was struck by the realization of what had just happened, of what I had done, and I was filled with horror and an overwhelming desire that it had all been just a dream from which I would awake into my usual innocence.

'Blessed is the man who endures trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life which God has promised to those who love him._t Let no one say when he is tempted, "I am tempted by God", for God cannot be tempted with evil and he himself tempts no one; but each person is tempted when he is lured and enticed by his own desire. Then desire when it has conceived gives birth to sin; and sin when it is full grown brings forth death. '

'Surely we have every right to, 'she said, sensing my mood. 'Surely there can't be anything wrong in love, can there?' As we said goodbye, she asked when we would see each other again.

Instead of saying never, instead of saying we couldn't see each other like that any more, I asked her if she really wanted to see me.

'And don't you want to see me?' she said in astonishment.

I couldn't find the strength to say that I didn't.

We met there again on four further occasions while her mother was at the spa. More than once I wanted to tell her that we couldn't continue with what had happened, but the moment I set eyes on her I was incapable of saying anything that might separate me from her for good. Whenever we made love she said: 'Love can't be a sin — you know that, don't you?'

I think to myself yes, but it depends what kind of love, in what

circumstances — but I am looking into those dark Jewish eyes, so full of passion and anxiety and pain, and instead of all the things that burden me at that moment I tell her that I love her.

The most terrible thing of all, it seems to me, is that it's true.

She would say: the most terrible and the most beautiful, because it joins that which cannot be joined, and maybe that's exactly the way life operates.

3

It was already dark as Daniel returned from the presbytery meeting. From a distance he could make out the figure of a man leaning against the lamp-post directly opposite the chapel.

'Waiting for me, Petr?' he asked when he reached him.

'Sort of, Reverend. But if you're busy, I can come back some other time.'

'Come along in. I'm always glad when you turn up. Besides, you haven't called on us for ages. Has anything happened?'

'No, apart from the fact that my sister's getting married.'

'That's good news, isn't it?'

'The guy she's marrying is decent enough, but I won't be able to stay there any longer.'

'Oh, yes. I forgot you've been living there. Have you somewhere else to go?'

'Not easy to find at the moment.'

'We'll come up with something. If you don't find anywhere, there's still another guest room here. But I'd have to talk to the elders.'

'Thank you, Reverend. I knew you wouldn't leave me in a fix.'

As they climbed the staircase Petr staggered and Daniel only caught him at the last moment. 'I had a couple of drinks at my sister's,' he said by way of explanation.

'So long as you didn't do anything worse. .'

'And I chucked in that job last week. I don't like gardening.'

'I suspected as much. Mr Houdek wrote to me about it. And can you think of something you'd enjoy more?'

'It's not really a matter of enjoyment, Reverend. The thing is I'd like

to achieve something and for that I need some education. And that means earning some money.'

'What would you like to achieve, Petr?'

'But I've already talked to you about it, Reverend. Id like to preach. Like you, for instance. So that I can tell people they must turn away from the darkness towards the light. Reverend, you've got a bit of an inkling, but I've known it at first hand — the horror that people live in.'

'I have to congratulate you on that ambition, Petr. But do you have any notion what you might do to earn more?'

'Possibly. But I don't know whether you'd approve.'

'I'll approve anything that's above board.' He led him into the room with the piano. Hana and the children were most likely in bed asleep. So he went to make some tea. He suspected bad news. It was the job of clergy to receive bad news. Worst of all he was still concealing bad news within himself and there was no one who could relieve him of it.

He came back with the tea. 'So how are you going to make a living? If you don't mind my asking.'

He shrugged. 'I could be a dealer.'

'In what?'

'Whatever was around.'

'That sounds fascinating. And what if they catch you?'

'They won't.'

'You said that once before.'

'I was still wet behind the ears then. I was operating solo. Or rather with a gang that was as stupid as I was. And anyway it wasn't good. I used to steal as well.'

'Whereas now you've decided that you'll deal honestly in drugs.'

'I haven't decided anything, Reverend. I've decided I want to do something useful with my life, but if I'm to do it, as I explained to you Reverend, I need to earn something. You can't do anything without money these days.'

'Your news doesn't please me. I thought you'd opted for a different way of life.'

'But I have. I haven't done anything wrong so far, have I?'

'Not so far… Petr, try and recall what you used to say to me when I visited you there. That you never wanted to end up behind bars again. And just a moment ago you were telling me you wanted to preach.'

'Straight up. I really do.'

'If you really mean it, you oughtn't to be considering such plans.'

'I mean it seriously. But you yourself say nobody can be without sin.'

'There are sins and sins, Petr. A preacher who sold drugs wouldn't be a good preacher.' A preacher who preaches the Ten Commandments and does not live by them can't be a good preacher either.

'But nobody would ever find out about it. There are things that nobody ever finds out about. Except the Lord, and he is merciful.'

Daniel suddenly felt uncomfortable and the lad noticed. 'No, straight up, Reverend, there's much less risk in that than in what you're doing. It's run by fellows with experience. There are all sorts of fail-safe mechanisms.'

'What do you mean? What risks am I taking?'

'Preaching. It's not so long ago that you had all sorts of hassles. With the police, I mean.'

'They were a different sort of hassle. And the times were different.'