It's so difficult, Dan, to know what to make of today's world, to know what is right and what isn't, what is good for people and what is harmful. Mother finds it very hard to walk and her rheumatism is worse. How's your back? I left you some Brufen tablets — 400 mgs — in the medicine cupboard, just in case you get an attack.
Our young Pavel came and spent a day with us. As you know, he's bought himself a shop in the village and run himself into debt. Now he's worried and even opens up on Sundays. But what's the point, he won't sell more than people are able to buy from him. I also talked to him about Bosnia. His view is: They made their bed, now they've got to lie on it! I recalled where it
says in the Scriptures: Judge not lest ye be judged and also: Harden not your hearts lest misfortune befall ye — but my little brother just said that he has enough troubles of his own and can see no reason why he should also bother his head about people shooting at each other somewhere in foreign parts. Sorry for lumbering you with this chatter, I'd better finish.
Dan, please don't forget to water the house-plants — all of them, please! And if this dreadful heat wave continues (apparently you had 34 degrees in Prague), don't forget to spray the garden.
We still have more than a fortnight of our stay here left, but I'm already missing you terribly. I'm not accustomed to such long holidays, and I was a bit worried when we were leaving because I sensed you were having a hard time. Should you need me, just call and I'll come at once. You know you're the person I hold dearest.
Best wishes from Mother and me. With all my love, Hana
Dear Dad,
We're having a super time. We go swimming and for walks and muck about with the girls from the village. Grandma baked some curd and poppy-seed buns and they were the bestest and biggest in the whole world. Mum also said only Grandma knows how to bake buns like that. We've got five little angora bunnies, they look like fluffy tennis balls with red eyes. We say our prayers every night and we're all going to church on Sunday. I'm sending you a great big kiss, Love Magda.
P.S. Mum said she wrote and told you I'm lazy. Dad, I'm not lazy, I'm on holiday, that's all. You write too, please. I know you don't say bestest, but when I'm on holiday I can write what I like, can't I?
July 94
Dear Dan,
This is the beginning of my last week at this spa where Sam is being treated for one of his many conditions. I'm being a good wife and putting up with the boredom here, accompanying my husband to treatments, taking walks in
the colonnade, and talking to him about architecture and his health problems. When he takes his afternoon nap I slip away for a few moments to the little park in front of the hotel and yearn to be with you. I miss you so much, my darling, so very, very much!
You are a revelation for me, one that has grown from meeting to meeting. It has grown from nothing, by which I mean I never thought that someone like you could live among people. It would be bold of me to tell you who you nre, because I don't know you, but I fear that my boldness would only be the vanity of someone who never doubts her judgement. But I'll try anyway. You're kind, you're good-hearted and you're strong, even though you're a real man. You're generous. You don't hurt people. You place life above success, knowing that the only real success is to lead a good life. You think that it is your faith that guides you, but I think you're guided by your heart. I also think that you're not one to criticize or reprimand people over little things, what you want chiefly is for them to be kind and live in love, like you yourself. I agree with that, because love is the thing my heart demands, what my soul cries out for. I could be surrounded by the best people in the world but if my heart was cold nothing would happen. My need for love tomes from my fear that life has no meaning, that everything comes to an end, that nothing that I want to last ever lasts more than a few moments. It is a defence against the chilling universe. Sometimes when I'm falling asleep I can hear my heart suddenly start to thump wildly, because I abuse it even though I know it doesn't deserve it, that it's a good heart. You haven't abused yours, my darling, you've only refused to hear it. You've convinced it that a good life consists of being loyal to an old vow instead of to your own heart.
I'm thinking of you. After so many years of my life, I've started to like myself. That's a gift from you. I look at myself and tell myself I'm beautiful and desirable when someone like you can love me. When you can love me even when you try desperately not to. I can sense that, of course, my darling. I look at myself and know I'm a feeble, imperfect woman, that I'm impatient and selfish. Since you don't have me for your entire life there's no need for it to worry you.
But please keep me in your warm love for a few more days at least, no, a few more weeks, no, a few more months, please. Don't forsake me, even when I'm awful sometimes.
Love, Bára
My dear Hana,
Your long letter really cheered me up. I was moved and even shamed by your determination to go and lend your help in those places where people are murdering each other, misled by false prophets and criminal leaders.
I don't agree with your brother. However far away people may be, I think we must regard them as our neighbours, and therefore perceive their pain and suffering. The trouble is there are so many people. The people who suffer outnumber those who don't, and the weight of suffering, if it was all added together, would make a crater deeper than the deepest pit of the ocean, so it is too heavy for us to bear. I expect the most we can do is help in those places that we can see and reach.
But Magda is right to say she wouldn't let you go to a place where there is shooting. I don't think such places are made for children or their mothers — they should leave those places, not seek them out. And the children need you — even Eva, who I thought would be able to fend for herself by now. She does in fact, but in a way that terrifies me, and I firmly believe that your experience and wisdom will help us rescue her from that poisonous whirlpool before it drags her to the bottom.
Don't worry about having a peaceful time and a rest, you deserve both. You've done enough for others in your life and had enough of your own suffering.
And don't have any worries about me. I'm feeling fine and my work-load is somewhat less now, so I have a bit of time to do some reading and a spot of wood carving.
I'm thinking of you all and looking forward to seeing you.
Love, Dan
Hi Dad,
We're having a fantastic time and it's fantastic here, the people, I mean, because in other ways it's like in a sci-fi film, those cooling towers that stare down at you from high above. All that concrete. There's enough to build an entire enormous city. A dreadful concrete city, that is. We go to lectures and
have discussions in Czech and English and our meals here are cooked by Dutch vegetarians. They travel every summer to protest against nuclear power stations wherever they are being built. Except that they've almost stopped building them anywhere else, only here. Yesterday we projected on to the towers portraits of the politicians who dreamt up this place. It was stupendous. Now we're preparing a non-violent action. A blockade, in fact. Maybe we'll tie ourselves together and lie down in front of the gates. We're still discussing it. I like the fact that the people here are thinking about the future and are unwilling to let television pull the wool over their eyes. Eva has just gone off to the villages to persuade people to save energy and insulate their windows instead. I expect she won't be back till this evening.