The Ultimate Intimacy

Fine, we can drive to somewhere in Western Bohemia and maybe go on an excursion to Germany from there.

While Hana was doing the packing he quickly sorted out his correspondence. When the phone rang, he felt a strange agitation and hesitated before picking up the receiver.

'It's me, Dan,' said a familiar voice. 'I'm calling from our casde in the country. Samuel has gone fishing and I thought I might still catch you.'

'Your instinct was sound. We are about to leave any moment.'

And you don't mind me calling?'

'No, I'm pleased to hear you.'

And are you on your own there?'

'My wife is packing.'

'So go and give her a hand! I just wanted to tell you I'm thinking of you and that I'm missing you, that I wish I could be with you.'

'I'm thinking of you too.'

'Nice things or nasty?'

'That's not a proper thing to ask.'

'I wanted to ask whether you'd forget me.'

'It's almost impossible to erase anything from my memory.'

'And you'd be so vile as to want to erase me?'

'I didn't say anything of the sort. I only said I have a good memory. And I'll never erase you from it.'

'That's good. I wish you lots of sunshine. And I don't only mean the sort that comes from the sky. I mean the sunshine you have within you.'

'I don't know whether I ever had it within me, and even if I did, I fear it's hidden behind the clouds now.'

'Do you feel that I'm the clouds?'

'No, if it's possible to have sunshine within oneself then the clouds must also come from within.'

'That's true. And you have love within you and that sunshine. I'll hang up now, you have to go and pack. And forgive me if I've hurt you.'

'How could you have?'

'It's possible to hurt someone without wanting to, even someone you love.'

'The person you can hurt most is yourself. And then those you love, of course.'

'I know that. So I'll say cheerio. And don't forsake me.'

He and Hana were staying in a new hotel near Domažlice. Their room had a bathroom and a colour television, and there was a telephone on each of the bedside tables.

'Do you like it?' he asked his wife.

'It's unnecessarily luxurious.'

'We could make a trip over the border to Regensburg tomorrow.'

'Why Regensburg?'

'It's only a short drive from here and it's a beautiful city. With an old cathedral.'

'If you like.'

'I thought you'd like it too.'

'I'm happy wherever we are together.'

'Do you fancy a little walk before dinner?'

'That's a good idea. I'll just have to change my shoes.'

'It's ages since we've been for a walk together, isn't it?' he said as they left the hotel.

'It's because we've had so little time. Whenever you had a spare moment you had to visit your mum. And apart from that, you've had so much on your plate.'

He had the feeling they hadn't done much walking even when his mother was still well. Sometimes he got the impression that his wife was afraid of being left alone with him. Maybe it was more shyness than fear. And now it was he who avoided talking to her.

They set off along a path that led between meadows. The edge of the path was yellow with hawkweed and cat's ear and a kestrel circled above the meadow.

'I wonder what the children are doing,' Hana said.

'They're rejoicing at having got rid of us for a while.'

His conversation with Hana tended to be mostly about the children. And sometimes she would tell him about goings-on in the hospital and he would share with her his parish concerns. They almost never talked about books. Hana had no time to read, even if she had the inclination. They only rarely went to the theatre and he didn't watch television. Whenever they had guests, which was at least once a week, she would worry about what they would eat or drink and see to it they had fresh bed linen, but she seldom took part in the conversation, which generally dealt with theological issues or the situation in the church.

Also he did not talk to her about things that happened to be on his mind, and he would prepare his sermons without discussing them with her.

She differed from his first wife in almost every way, both in character and appearance, and maybe that was the very reason why he had never managed to be completely intimate with her, even though, until just recently, he had had nothing to conceal from her.

They reached a bush that was covered in blackberries. He bent down and picked a handful of them to offer his wife.

'You're so kind to me, Dan.'

'But it's nothing at all.'

'It's lovely here. A pity Magda isn't here, at least.'

'Magda's fine at your parents.'

'I know. It just struck me that it would be nice if we were all together.'

He stroked her hair and then took her by the hand and they continued along the footpath towards a village some distance away. He

couldn't remember the last time they had walked along like that, holding hands. But that time it must have been from a sincere feeling, whereas now he was trying to atone for his offence in some way. That was why he had booked an expensive hotel room and thought up the trip to Regensburg. He would buy her some clothes there, anything she fancied — as if that would in any way change what had happened or make up for anything. At most it would delay the moment when he would find sufficient courage — or hard-heartedness maybe — to tell her at least something of what he was perpetrating.

'And I'm a bit worried about Eva too,' Hana said a moment later. 'Once someone starts to experiment with drugs, there is always the temptation to return to them. We oughtn't to leave her for a long time at home on her own.'

'We wouldn't be able to keep an eye on her all the time anyway. If someone really has a mind to do something, there's no way you can watch them continuously. They don't even manage to keep the inmates in prison under permanent surveillance. All you can do is explain, entreat, ask and trust.'

'When someone's eighteen and on their own it's a temptation for them. Besides which, she's attracted to Petr.'

'You've noticed that too?'

'It's not good. Not for her, anyway.'

'Don't worry. When she gets to the Conservatoire and into a different environment, she'll find other friends.'

They had dinner together in the hotel dining room and he prevailed on his wife not to look at the prices and just have what she liked.

That night they lay down beside each other as always. The blue reflections of the neon signs shone into the room. He got up and drew the curtains.

Then Hana said, 'It's been a lovely day, Dan. Did you enjoy it too?'

His wife quickly fell asleep. It had been a long time since he made love to her. He knew it gave her no pleasure, so he had the feeling he was molesting her or taking physical advantage of her.

He could not get to sleep. It was his custom to meditate last thing at night, turning over in his mind everything that had happened or pondering on what he had to do in the coming days. Now it was as if everything, both the past and the future, fixed him with a reproachful look. He tried to pray. To think about a sermon. On what text? Put off your old nature which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt

through deceitful lusts, and be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and put on the new nature, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness. Therefore, putting away falsehood, let everyone speak the truth with his neighbour, for we are members one of another. (Ephesians 4: 22–25)

For a moment he tried to summon up the image of his first wife and recall the words he used to lavish on her. The tender words returned but not the image of his first wife, instead the image of the new one — the one who had come on the day of his mothers death — forced itself upon his consciousness. What had brought her to him? What was she intended to recall? His mother's love or her death? Why had she appeared that particular day? Who had sent her — what force?