Then the judge dictated Petr's reply word for word. The sound of the clattering of a typewriter and Eva's sobbing.
At last the judge asked: 'And didn't it seem odd to you to obtain money for that purpose by means that were diametrically opposed to your objectives?'
'I didn't know of any other way.'
'But you had a job of work, hadn't you? Except that you left it.'
'Because you can't make money by working.'
'That's rather a bold statement.'
'I couldn't have saved a single crown from my pay.'
'And didn't it occur to you that there were other ways of obtaining money?'
'What other ways, your Honour?'
'Some church or other might have given you a contribution for such a purpose.'
'No, your Honour. They wouldn't have given it to me.'
'Did you publish at least one issue of the magazine?'
'No.'
'In other words, the magazine existed only in your imagination.'
'I really wanted to do it. I wanted people to lead better lives. I wanted them to know that only through the Holy Spirit, not through any of our deeds, can we be saved.'
The judge said that Petr wasn't here on account of his magazine, and never would be. He was here for quite a different offence. If he had genuinely wanted to obtain funds for a useful purpose, then in his view it was most regrettable as he had only harmed the thing he sought to benefit. Finally, he asked if he was sorry for his actions.
Petr said he was sorry he had been unable to start doing what he had wanted to do.
'I am asking you,' the judge said, 'whether you are sorry for the crime you have committed?'
Petr said nothing. Then he glanced quickly at the place where Eva was sitting.
'I'm sorry,' he said quietly. 'I'm sorry most of all that I deceived the people who believed in me.'
8 Letters
Dear Reverend Vedra,
I ought to have written to you ages ago, but I was shy and I didn't want to take up your time either. Most of all I want to thank you for Barcelona. I think it has to be the most wonderful experience of my life, not just because we saw so many wonderful things such as paintings, houses, parks and even
that old Roman fort, for instance, but most of all because I was there with Mum. We'd never been on our own like that before, except for when I was in first class at the primary school. And thanks to you my allergy has disappeared. The sunshine and the sea air sent it packing.
I thought to myself that you really must be very fond of Mum to have done something for her and for me that neither my Dad nor my stepfather would do. I'd like to repay you in some way but I don't know how or what I could do for you. Some time in the future perhaps. One possibility is that I enjoy fiddling around with tape recorders and suchlike machines. If anything went wrong with something of yours, even the computer, I could have a go at repairing it (no guarantee though).
There was something else I wanted to tell you. Ever since Mum first met you she's been totally different. She doesn't get the blues any more and she is actually glad to be alive. So I'd like to thank you for that too and hope that you are happier, because Mum is the best thing alive. I know it sounds daft coming from her son, but it's a fact.
Best wishes and thanks again,
Saša
Dear Bára,
I hoped we'd see each other as soon as you got back, but something happened that has taken maybe not all my time but certainly all my energy. Or rather, it rudely awoke me from the state of rapture I had been in. I told myself I wasn't going to burden you with my troubles, you have enough of your own. But I can't keep to myself something that has deeply affected my life. So: Eva's expecting a baby. And what's more, with Petr, one of those two lads I'd promised to take care of when they were still in prison. Petr is back inside again (he's just been given another two years) for drug dealing.
I always regarded myself as liberal-minded. Far more so than my vocation permitted, in fact. I understand young people making love before they get married, but her choice frightens me because it will probably burden her for the rest of her life, and I feel guilty for having influenced that choice, by my exaggerated belief in people's capacity to reform themselves and by the sympathy I've shown, both of which have influenced Eva. I also feel guilty about neglecting her over these recent years. First of all because I became so
enthused about the freedom I now had to pursue my vocation. I gave generously of my time and energy wherever I went, but left almost nothing for my home. And then, as you know yourself, my life became centred on my love for you and I let Eva out of my thoughts just at the moment when she needed me, just when I could and should have been at hand. And she had no one else but me.
I don't know whether it is still possible for me to make amends in some way. I feel as if I have betrayed everything and everyone, that I have hurt the people I loved and still love. You too, in other words. No harm was intended, it was more a matter of weakness. The trouble is it is deeds not intentions that count in life. The same applies to love which I've preached about so often and which I declared to you.
Love Dan
My dearest, my one and only love,
It's ages since you last got in touch with me. I called you twice, but your wife always picked up the phone. Yesterday I wanted to run to you, to find you and placetmyself under the protection of your love and your strength. It wasn't from some whim but from desperation. Sam has gone mad and I mean that seriously: he has gone mad and wanted to kill me, to shoot me like quail, like a little Bosnian girl caught in a sniper's sights. I don't know why he didn't in the end, the pistol was loaded. He has gone mad and he is crazy enough to do anything.
My darling, you of all people know that even though I found you and love you, I haven't abandoned him. I've taken care of him a thousand times more than I have you, I've respected his sense of order. I wanted to preserve the home on account of Aleš, but for Sam too, because I once loved him. I was sorry for him when I saw how his powers were declining and his manliness was going. Yes, I was sorry for him and not for myself and I tried hard to satisfy his whims, all his selfish requests, anything to stop him lapsing into those depressions of his.
But now he's gone completely round the bend. He thinks I'm the reincarnation of some murderess that murdered her husbands and children in England about a hundred and fifty years ago. It looks as if he really believes that I want to poison him too — he can think that about me, who
has sat by his bedside when he was ill and held his hand so he shouldn't feel alone in his illness.
Darling, I don't know what I'm supposed to do, what I'm to do with him and with myself, what I'm to do with his life and mine. If I didn't have you, I wouldn't want to live any more, I might even have begged him to pull the trigger when he had me in his sights. You are my salvation, the only person I have left, not counting my mother who is already old and my children who are in no position to help, apart from giving me another reason to live.
Can it be possible that I really am so terrible and that my husband is so desperate on account of me that it has unhinged his mind? Tell me truthfully, do you really think I'm impossible to live with?
I feel sad because I miss you. I feel sad because of me, and life and my husband who sits locked in his room and is probably even more desolate than me, because he doesn't have you, he just has his ailments and a pistol, that he can use to shoot himself or me, depending on his mood.