“I’m afraid not," Archie said truthfully.
“Well, there it is." They were standing in the bathroom now, and the young blonde was pointing at the toilet. “Now do you see?”
“I'm afraid not.”
“The doggone thing won’t flush.” She jiggled the toilet handle. “See? But of cawse, it's all mah fault. Ah mean, embarrassin’ as it is, Ah’m not denyin' it. Ah jus’ did such a terribly foolish thing. You can fix it, can't you?"
“I’m afraid not.”
“Oh, of cawse you can. Don’t despaih. Ah’m sorry foah what I said before about you bein’ young an’ all. You look very competent to me, an’ that's the ever-livin’ truth. Now don’t hold grudges. Weah’re friends now, aren’t we?” She stuck out her hand.
“Sure we are.” Archie shook hands with her. “But-—”
“Will you listen to me? How scatterbrained can a body get? Heah Ah’m standin’ heah runnin’ off at the mouth, an’ Ah haven't even told you-all how it happened yet. Y'all see, Ah was jus’ gettin’ ready to put up mah haih when one of the curlers fell right off the edge of the sink an’ into the Johnny-bowl. It sorta slipped back a little wheah Ah couldn’t see it. Well, truth is Ah couldn’t of seen it anyhow ’cause Ah didn’t have mah specs on an’ Ah’m as blind as a petrified bat in a mole hole ’thout ’em. So Ah went an got ’em an’ come back in heah to find that doggone curler. Well, truth now, even with mah bifocs, Ah don’t see as well as Ah should. So Ah bent ovah the johnny-bowl to try to spot the curler. An’ what do you think happened? That’s right! Mah specs slid right down mah nose an’ into the johnny-bowl. Ah got so startled when evah’thin’ went blurry so sudden like that, that Ah grabbed onto the johnny foah suppawt. Ah mean, Ah thought Ah was havin’ an attack o the vapoahs or somethin’. Like Ah was goin’ to faint right theah. It was very frightenin’. Very frightenin’ indeed. All Ah could think was heah Ah am ’thout a stitch on -- Ah’d jus’ gotten out of the shower; Ah guess Ah didn’t mention that —an’ like to faint right heah on the johnny-room floah. Su pose mah roommate brawt a gentleman caller home? Ah ask you? How would that look? If he were to come into the johnny room an’ find me layin’ naked in a dead faint on the floah? All that flashed through mah mind, you see, while Ah was seein’ evah’thin’ so blurry an’ all. So, like Ah was sayin’, Ah grabbed onto the johnny foah suppawt. Only, by mistake, Ah grabbed the johnny-flushah an’ Ah flushed the curler an’ mah eye-glasses right down the johnny. An’ now the johnny won’t work ’cause Ah grabbed it so hard, an’ Ah can’t see ’thout mah specs, an Ah’m jus’ nevah goin’ to be able to set mah haih if you don’t fix it.”
“Why don’t you call a plumber?” Archie suggested.
“Now that’s exactly what Ah said to mahself. Don't you go panickin’ now, Ah told mahself. You jus’ go to the yellow pages an’ look up a plumber an’ tell him to come right on down an’ fix things. Ah wanted it all straightened out ’fore mah roommate comes home. She gets so upset ovah things like this. Anyway, that's what Ah did. An’ heah you are.”
“I hate to disillusion you,” Archie told her, “but I'm not a plumber.”
“Yoah not the plumber?"
“No, I’m not."
“Yoah funnin’ me.”
“No. I’m really not the plumber.”
“Aw, come on. Yoah puttin’ me on."
“No, I’m not,” Archie assured her. “I’m really not a plumber. As a matter of fact, plumbing is one of the few things I know absolutely nothing about."
“If you’re not the plumber, then who are you?"
“I’m Archimedes Jones.”
“Now Ah jus’ know you-all are puttin’ me on."
“No. That’s really my name.”
“Oh.” The blonde considered it a moment. “Well, Ah’m very pleased to meet you, Ah’m suah, Mr. Jones. Now what is it brawt you heah, if youah not the man come to fix the johnny?”
“I came to see Helen Dawes. Are you her?”
“No, Ah’m not. Helen’s mah roomie. Ah’m Melanie Leander.”
“And will you look who's turning up her nose at Archimedes!”
“Ah beg youah pahdon?”
“Sorry. Nothing. It’s not important. Do you think Helen will be home soon?"
“Another quarter-houah she’ll be off work. She should be home aftah then. You can wait if you like.”
“I like.” Archie led the way back into the living room and plunked himself down on the sofa. “What sort of work does Helen do?" he asked after a moment’s silence.
“You mean y'all don’t know? Ah thought you were a friend of hers.”
“Well, it’s been a long time since I've seen her. I guess we haven't stayed in touch.”
“Ah surely do wonder wheah that man is come to fix the johnny,” Melanie mused. “Ah’d like to get it done ’fore Helen gets home. That way she’ll nevah know ‘bout it. Oh! But you’ll tell her. Won’t you?”
“No, I won’t,” Archie promised. “What kind of work did you say Helen does?" he added.
“Ah didn’t say. But what she is, she’s a suds-‘n’-dudser.”
“A what?"
“A suds-’n’-dudser, sho ’nuf.”
“What’s a suds-‘n’-dudser?" Archie wanted to know.
“Y‘all certainly are cute an’ innocent. Ah do wish Ah had mah specs so Ah could see you close up. All right, Ah’ll tell you what a suds-‘n’-dudser is. It's a girl who takes off her clothes-—her duds, y'all catch?—-an’ slides into this bathtub full of soapsuds an’ then sorta twists aroun’ an’ stands up so’s the suds play hide-an’-seek with her privates. Men seem to find it very sexy, but then y'all know how men are, bein’ one--almost, anyways—you’self. Anyways, the men who go to the Hot Tomato—- that’s the place Helen works -- suah do get palpitations over her act.”
“Then she’s an ecdysiast," Archie said.
“A who?”
“An ecdysiast.”
"Gee, Ah hope not, roomin’ with her an’ all. Is it catchin’?”
“It just means she’s a stripteaser."
“Oh. Well, why didn’t you say? That’s what Ah mean. People talk so funny up heah.”
“I’m sorry.”
“Oh, that’s all right. It’s not youah fault. lt’s me,- Ah know that. Ah’m always bein’ confused by things. It suah does sound important, bein’ a ecwhatchamacallit. Ah guess Ah’m jus’ a teensy bit jealous of Helen. See, she got me a job takin’ off mah clothes at the Hot Tomato, but Ah got fired.”
“Oh? Why?”
“Ah kept doin’ things wrong. Like the first night Ah come on right aftah Helen, an’ Ah’m doin’ this little dance Ah learned in Sunday School back home when Ah slipped on Helen’s soap suds an’ slid right off the stage into some man’s lap.”
“I’ll bet he didn’t complain.” Archie eyed the lush figure wrippling under the organdy negligee Melanie was wearing.
“Y’all would lose youah bet. Ah come down awful hard right on this poor man's you-know-what, an’ he screamed an’ carried on somethin’ fierce. Later he allowed as how he was going to sue, but the management made some sort of arrangement with him.”