“Would you believe six?” Archie asked modestly.
“Only one way to measuah it for sure.”
“I dig.” Archie moved aside and then pulled her down on the couch so that she was stretched across it in all her impressive nudity. The negligee was crumpled up behind her shoulder blades now and covered nothing. Archie scrambled on top of her and dueled for a moment with the aroused guard at the entry to her passion-passage. Then he let the guard straddle his manhood as he plunged to fill the passage itself.
“Hold on theah, boy! You takin’ a wrong turn!” Melanie’s legs closed as she pulled slightly away from him. Holding them pressed tightly together, she bent at the waist so that her toes pointed straight toward the ceiling and her legs were straight up. One of her hands covered the blonde curls, and a finger extended to caress the little polyp of flesh. The maneuver made her plump derriere prominent, and her other hand reached to guide Archie’s manhood to the alternate route it provided.
“But why-—?” Archie protested.
“Ah get a puff ’cause of this. Helen like to throw a fit. She don’ like me foolin’ with any man. It’s safer this way.” Melanie wriggled her bottom urgently.
“A puff? What’s that?" Archie took time out to ask.
“Ah mean we don’t want to s’prise ourselves with no offspring. Ah’d nevah be able to ’splain that to Helen.”
“Oh.”
“Come on, boy! You teasin’ me! Get to it!”
Archie pushed the question of the technicalities of whether he still would or wouldn’t be a virgin after this experience out of his mind and lunged for the target. But he missed it. He missed it because Melanie suddenly squealed and rolled off the couch. “Helen!” she exclaimed.
Archie looked up to see a tall brunette with a face like thunder standing in the doorway. She was wearing a black silk cocktail dress, and her breasts were rising and falling angrily, straining the confinement of the low-cut bodice. Her eyes were dark and cold as she stared at the scene before her.
“What’s going on here?" she asked in a voice that drip ed icicles.
“Ah didn’t ’spect you ‘til later,” Melanie stammered.
Helen ignored her. “Who are you?” she demanded of Archie.
“My name is Archimedes Jones, and-—"
“Well, Archimedes Jones, I think you’d just better pull your pants up! ”
Archie pulled his pants up.
“Now, what are you doing here?”
“We were just--” Melanie started to interject by way of explanation.
“Never mind you were just. I know what you were just.” Helen Dawes spoke as if Melanie was a very naughty child and she herself was a very angry parent. Then she turned her attention to Archie once again, and her voice was even nastier. “What do you want?” she asked him. “Why did you come here?”
“I’m a friend of Professor Beaumarchais, and--”
“André Beaumarchais? Is that lecherous frog back in town?”
“Well, yes, and--”
“Why didn’t he come to see me himself? Why did he send you? Why send a boy to do a man’s job?”
“Now just a minute! ” Archie was insulted.
“There’s no call to talk to him like that, Helen. Archie heah is really a very nice boy.”
“So nice that you were all ready to give him your Dixie all!” Helen said sarcastically.
“No Ah wasn’t, Helen,” Melanie improvised desperately. “Ah was just showin’ him mah birthmark.”
“And what was he doing? Probing for a mole? Don’t you hand me that nonsense, you little southern slut. I ought to throw you right out of here! You’re nothing but a brazen hussy, you cheat!"
“Ahh, Helen, don't y’all be mad with me. Come on, let's make it up.” Melanie rolled over on her side and wriggled her butt provocatively.
“Oh, you really are too much.” Helen’s tone had softened and her eyes glittered as she stared at Melanie’s offering.
“Now, honey, y’all know Ah love you an’ nobody else. Ah was only bein’ hospitable to Archie heah. Come on ovah heah now, an’ Ah’ll prove it."
Helen crossed to Melanie. The blonde tugged at her hand until Helen fell to her knees beside her. Then Melanie pulled Helen’s head to her breast, at the same time sliding her hand up Helen’s nylon-clad leg. The brunette seemed to crumple. The skirt of the black dress rode up over her hips. She wasn’t wearing anything underneath it. Melanie grasped at her clean-shaven crotch and squeezed. Helen moaned ecstatically, and then caught herself.
“You’d better get out of here, sonny,” she told Archie.
“But I want to talk to you,” he said.
“Let him stay,” Melanie purred. “He won’t bother us.”
“You mean let him stay and watch?“ Helen was doubtful
“Sure ’nuf. It’ll be a kick, honey-lamb. Ah like the way his eyes pop. It sorta turns me on.”
“I thought I turned you on,” Helen said throatily.
“Oh, you do, sugah! You really do!” Melanie bent low and her lips traveled up Helen’s thigh, skipping over the inner surface until she came to the juncture she sought.
Immediately Helen swung around so that the caress was mutual. The girls groaned and rolled over the floor as their mouths worked eagerly. Then they stopped moving at all, and their bodies grew taut. They he the tension for an unbelievably long moment. Archie, curious and aroused, knelt beside them to witness the explosion of their passion. That was the position when the loud knocking from just inside the doorway to the apartment made all three of their heads pop up.
Helen was the first to recover her wits. “Who the hell are you?” she asked the man in overalls who was standing there.
“I’m the plumber,” he told her. “You called me, didn't you? To fix the john?”
“The plumber! ” Helen exploded.
“Ah meant to tell you, Helen, but theah wasn’t time,” Melanie whined.
“First this kid, and now the plumber!” Helen raged. “Why the hell don’t we just sell tickets?”
“If you want to do that," the plumber offered, “I’ll call the union office. I’m sure the boys would—”
“Just go fix the toilet,” Helen told him wearily. “The show’s over for tonight.”
But the plumber didn’t move until she’d tugged her dress back down over her thighs and Melanie had covered herself with her negligee. Then he moved off to the bathroom. A moment later there was a loud sound of water flushing.
“The plumber!” Helen snarled to herself. “The goddamn plumber! ”
CHAPTER FOUR
“FLUSHING is very important. Lots of people don’t realize that. You try to flush things like hair curlers and eyeglasses down the toilet, and you really jam up those pipes. They back up, and then you know what you got?” The plumber paused dramatically.
“What?” Archie, Melanie and Helen Dawes played straight man in chorus.
“A very sick toilet. That’s what you got. A very sick toilet indeed. See, a toilet is a very delicate mechanism. You have to treat it with respect. You have to baby it, the way you would a finely tuned sports car. You know what I mean? You don't treat a toilet right, then you got trouble. That’s when you only get out of it what you put into it. You know what I mean?”
“Yes,” Helen Dawes interrupted. “We know what you mean. You’ve made it very graphic for us.” She shuddered. “Perhaps a little too graphic.”
“No offense, lady. Toilets are my business. I just don’t like to see them misused. It hurts me to see a toilet treated badly.”