He lay on his cot awake, listening to the rumble of the bombers.
Tell me you don't work for him, Kurt.
Vogel thought, I do now, Trude. I do now.
46
"Hello, Alfred."
"Hello, Helen."
She smiled and kissed his cheek and said, "Oh, it's so good to see you again."
"It's good to see you too."
She threaded her arm through Vicary's and placed her hand inside his coat pocket, the way she used to do. They turned and walked silently along the footpath in St. James's Park. Vicary did not find the quiet awkward. In fact he found it rather pleasant. A hundred years ago it was one of the reasons why he knew he truly loved her-the way he felt when there was silence between them. He could enjoy her company when they talked and laughed, but he enjoyed her just as much when she said nothing at all. He loved sitting quietly with her on the veranda of her home or walking through the woods or lying by the lake. Just to have her body next to his-or her hand in his-was enough.
The afternoon air was thick and warm, a breath of August in February, the sky dark and unsettled. Wind moved in the trees, made waves on the surface of the pond. A fleet of ducks bobbed with the current as if lying at anchor.
He looked at her closely for the first time. She had aged well. In many ways she was more beautiful than before. She was tall and erect, and the little bit of weight she had put on over the years was hidden nicely behind her carefully tailored suit. Her hair, which she used to wear down the center of her back in a blond cape, was pulled back and pinned neatly in place. On her head she wore a gray pillbox hat.
Vicary allowed his gaze to settle on her face. Her nose, once a little too long for her face, now seemed perfectly appropriate. Her cheeks had hollowed a bit with age, making the bones of her face more prominent. She turned and noticed Vicary was staring at her. She smiled at him, but the smile did not extend to the eyes. There was a distant sadness there, as if someone close to her had died recently.
Vicary was the first to break the silence. He looked away from her and said, "I'm sorry about lunch, Helen. Something came up at work and I wasn't able to get away or even call you."
"Don't worry, Alfred. I just sat at a table alone at the Connaught and became miserably drunk." Vicary looked up sharply at her. "I'm only teasing you. But I won't pretend I wasn't disappointed. It took me a very long time to work up the courage to approach you. I acted so horribly before…" Her voice trailed off and she left her thought unfinished.
Vicary thought, Yes, you did, Helen. He said, "It was a long time ago. How on earth did you find me?"
She had telephoned him at the office twenty minutes ago. He had picked up the receiver expecting to hear anything but her voice: Boothby, telling him to come upstairs for another display of his brilliance; Harry, telling him Catherine Blake had shot someone else in the face; Peter Jordan, telling him to fuck off, he wouldn't see her anymore. The sound of Helen's voice nearly made him choke. "Hello, darling, it's me," she had said, and, like a good agent, she had not used her name. "Will you still see me? I'm in a phone box opposite your office. Oh, please, Alfred."
"My father is friends with your director-general," she said, "and David is good friends with Basil Boothby. I've known for some time that you'd been pulled in."
"Your father, David, and Basil Boothby-all my favorite people."
"Don't worry, Alfred. They don't sit around discussing you."
"Well, thank heavens for that!"
She squeezed his hand. "How in the world did you end up doing this?"
Vicary told her the story. How he befriended Churchill before the war. How he was drawn into Churchill's circle of advisers at Chartwell. How Churchill put the hooks into him that afternoon in May 1940.
"He actually did it in the bath?" Helen exclaimed.
Vicary nodded, smiling at the memory of it.
"What does the prime minister look like naked?"
"He's very pink. It was awe-inspiring. I found myself humming 'Rule Britannia' for the rest of the day."
Helen laughed. "Your work must be terribly exciting."
"It can be. But it can also be dreadfully boring and tedious."
"Are you ever tempted to tell anyone all the secrets you know?"
"Helen!"
"Are you?" she insisted.
"No, of course not."
"I am," she said, and looked away. After a moment she looked back at him. "You look wonderful, Alfred. You're very handsome. This bloody war seems to be agreeing with you."
"Thank you."
"I must admit I miss the corduroy and tweed, though. Now you're all gray, just like the rest of them."
"It's the official uniform of Whitehall, I'm afraid. I've become accustomed to it. I've also enjoyed the change. But I'll be glad when it's over so I can get back to University College where I belong."
He couldn't believe the words had actually come out of his mouth. He had once thought of MI5 as his salvation. He knew now it definitely was not. He had enjoyed his time at MI5: the tension, the long hours, the inedible fare in the canteen, the battles with Boothby, the remarkable group of dedicated amateurs just like himself who toiled away in secret. He had once toyed with the idea of asking to stay on after the war. But it wouldn't be the same-not without the threat of national destruction hanging over them like Damocles' sword.
There was something else. While he was well suited intellectually to the actual business of intelligence, its very nature was abhorrent to him. He was a historian. By nature and training he was dedicated to searching out truth. Intelligence was about lying and deception. About betrayal. About means justifying ends. About stabbing one's enemy in the back-and maybe stabbing a friend in the back, if necessary. He was not at all certain he liked the person he had become.
Vicary said, "How's David, by the way?"
Helen exhaled heavily. "David is David," she said, as if no other explanation was necessary. "He's banished me to the countryside, and he stays here in London. He managed a commission and does something for the Admiralty. I come to see him once every few weeks. He likes it when I'm away. It gives him the freedom to pursue his other interests."
Vicary, uncomfortable with Helen's honesty, looked away. David Lindsay, along with being incredibly rich and handsome, was a notorious womanizer. Vicary thought, No wonder he and Boothby are such good friends.
Helen said, "You don't need to feign ignorance, Alfred. I am aware that everyone knows about David and his favorite pastime. I've grown used to it. David likes women, and they like him. It's a rather neat fit."
"Why don't you leave him?"
"Oh, Alfred," she said, and dismissed the suggestion with a wave of her gloved hand.
"Is there anyone else in your life?"
"Do you mean other men?"
Vicary nodded.
"I tried once, but he was the wrong man. He was David in different clothes. Besides, I made a promise in a country church twenty-five years ago, and I seem incapable of breaking it."
"I wish you had felt that way about the promise you made to me," Vicary said, and immediately regretted the note of bitterness that crept into his voice. But Helen just looked at him, blinked rapidly, and said, "Sometimes I wish that too. There, I've said it. My God, how thoroughly un-English of me. Please forgive me. I suppose it's all these bloody Americans in town."
Vicary felt his face flush.
Helen said, "Are you still seeing Alice Simpson?"
"How in the world do you know about Alice Simpson?"
"I know about all your women, Alfred. She's very pretty. I even like those wretched books she writes."
"She's slipped away. I told myself it was the war, my work. But the truth is, she wasn't you, Helen. So I let her slip away. Just like all the others."
"Oh, damn you, Alfred Vicary! Damn you for saying that."