My head felt crackly, sounds were sharp and then descended into buzzing. I kept my eyes closed and tried to focus on one thing at a time. Lifting my arm. It felt heavy and clumsy, not my own. Turning my head. That proved more difficult. I could do it but the pain was intense, like there was something jammed in my skull and when I moved it, the object wiggled and grazed my brain.
Then the reason why I felt this way came back to me in a giant and solid assault on my memory. Cal. That bastard. Anger filled me from my toes to the top of my aching head, like hot oil boiling in my blood; it sizzled and popped its way up my body until I could no longer keep my eyes shut.
They pinged open, harsh, white light trying to force them ajar, and the first thing I said was, “I’m going back to get my mother.”
Joseph’s head was dipped and he had his hands folded across his knees like he had been or was about to be sick. And when I spoke, his eyes lifted. They took my face in, and then my words, so his expression went from relief to surprise and then confusion, all in one shutter speeding display. As his face returned to a more calm façade, I could see myself reflected in his eyes. They said more than he could. I looked awful.
I blinked uncomfortably and ran my hands over my lips. Everything felt dry and alive.
Joseph took my good arm carefully, the one that wasn’t encased in plaster, and held it between his own. “It is all right. You were attacked. You’re in the hospital now. You’re safe. Orry’s safe.”
“I know where I am,” I snapped, although the effect was muted, my voice felt like it hadn’t been used in months. “Water, please,” I said more kindly. This couldn’t be easy for him. And I tried hard to remember that but things kept slipping as the knock-knocking in my head started to drown out my thoughts.
I took a sip, slowly, the water sliding down my throat like paint. Trying not to turn my head, I noted the bag attached to my arm, the circle of empty chairs. I took in the normal, easy-to-process things in an attempt to calm my nerves but it didn’t help. I dragged my elbows up to sit but I was dizzy, weak. Anger was all I could feel because to me, it was like I had been on the floor one minute and was now awake and looking for the culprit.
I started ranting. Not really making sense to start with.
“Damn boy, thought he was harmless. I was wrong, Joseph, and then I was waiting for you and I saw him peeking in the window, no that happened before, anyway, I caught him and he got mad. I’m sorry. I tried to talk my way out of it but he was so angry. He was too strong and all I thought about was Orry. I had to protect him. I tried to run but he was too fast…”
Joseph nodded his head along, grabbing at the words and trying to follow, but he was confused. So was I. I slumped further into my pillow, panting. He smoothed my hair back from my face, careful to avoid the gash in my left temple. “Sh. It’s all right. Who? Who did this to you?” He was trying to sound calm, but I could hear the wound-up fury behind it.
“Cal,” I said as an admission. Like it was my fault and somehow I should have been able to stop it from happening.
Everything in him tensed at once. And for a moment, I feared him. Joseph stood suddenly, pushing his chair back and sending it screeching across the linoleum floor. The metal back clanged as it fell to the floor, echoing in the emptiness of the room. He stomped out without looking back, both hands pushing the double doors open with a massive thud.
I wanted to get up but I couldn’t. I tugged helplessly at my drips and wires but my energy was entirely sapped. I screamed but my voice wouldn’t carry. Where was he going? Did he blame me?
I could hear yelling. Just Joseph, because whoever he was shouting at was responding quietly.
“Did you know? Where is he? WHERE IS HE?”
Oh no.
Feet shuffled across the floor and I saw my family. They were carrying steaming cups in their hands, looking at me, and then lifting their eyes to the noise behind the doors. They all had different shades of relief and death on their faces.
“Deshi, stop him. He’s gone after Cal,” I said hoarsely, coughing on the back of my hand.
Deshi understood but he seemed reluctant to interfere, his dark eyes running over me. I found myself curling up. “If he’s the one that did this to you, then maybe I should let Joseph tear him apart.”
I searched their eyes. They were all similarly resolved. What did I look like to them? A tiny girl, beaten, unable to fight for herself. That was not me.
“Addy, Addy. Please. You know this won’t help anything.” She nodded but she didn’t move either.
I tried to pull myself up again, pulling at my IV. If no one would listen, I would go after him myself. But everything felt wrong. My body wouldn’t respond the way I needed it to. Deshi put his hand over the needle I was trying to scratch out of my elbow joint, looking away when blood welled at the entry point.
“All right, I’ll go. You’re so stubborn,” he said. But he said it with love. He jogged through the doors and stopped to talk to a nurse, who pointed him down the hall. I prayed he would catch up with Joseph before he found Cal.
Addy toddled over and pulled a hand-knitted blanket over my legs. I would have kicked it off but I felt so unreasonably cold. She did it lovingly, patting my calf. “You need to rest, dear. Stop getting so worked up.”
“I’m fine,” I said, lying. I held out my good arm. “Can I have my son please?”
Apella, who looked like she was a second away from bursting into tears, handed him to me. He cried and threw his head around, looking for food. One handedly, I tried to loosen my gown so I could feed him. Apella put her hand up to stop me.
“You can’t, Rosa. I’m sorry. The drugs they gave you for the pain means you can’t feed him.”
My hand fell from my gown like a dead branch, brittle and useless. Something burst inside me. “What?” I whispered. This was unexpected. I thought I would be happy to stop feeding him, but this felt like it was too soon, like I’d been robbed of a bond with him. Or at least robbed of the choice of whether I wanted to stop or not. Apella held up a bottle and it nearly broke my heart. Things had been battle for us from the start. Feeding him had been the first thing that brought us together. Now that was gone. I shook my head sadly. “I can’t,” I whispered. Addy scooped Orry out from beneath my weak arm and Apella passed her the bottle. My heart took a sudden punch as I watched him eagerly take the teat and drink.
I couldn’t even cry. I flopped down on the bed and regretted the sudden motion. I turned my head and Apella was quick enough to get the bowl under me before I vomited nothing. My stomach was empty. My head was empty too but for the pain and the one sentence that floated around and banged against the inside of my skull. “I want to go back and get my mother,” I said again.
Apella looked surprised but she covered it with a concerned look. Her hair was pulled back and I noticed her ears were tiny, tiny white shells, perfect and delicate. I focused on that as I watched her small mouth deliver words I would ignore. “Sometimes when someone has a head injury, they can get stuck on one idea. I think you’ll change your mind about going back.”
I touched my own head, my ears were normal, but dark and and… my hair, where was half my hair? I patted down my head, awkwardly clunking myself with my cast.
“They shaved it so they could stitch your wound up neatly,” Alexei said, wincing. Sure enough, as I danced my finger lightly over my head, a seam of neat stitches formed a crescent just behind my ear. I let my lips quiver.
“Oh no,” I said, full of self-pity. “I look like a baseball.”
Addy mouth twitched. “More like Frankenstein’s monster, dear.” I didn’t know who that was but I could tell the comment was not complimentary. My mouth was already pulled down so I left it there.