Thankfully, he remained composed until he was out of the room.
“Rosa, what are you doing?” he asked, bewildered.
My face was loose; I felt like if I spoke, something would fall off. “I just wanted to see if you had organized the meeting?” I said meekly.
Matthew dipped his head and rubbed the crinkle between his eyebrows. The one I’m pretty sure he didn’t have until he found me. “Yes, I spoke to Gus. He has agreed to see you tomorrow, at your house at twelve o’clock.”
“Good,” I said. “What’s happening with…?” Don’t ask, I told myself. You don’t care. I stopped talking.
Matthew looked at his hands and then at me. I noticed he still wore his wedding ring. “He’s asking for you. You know he doesn’t really understand what happened, but he knows he hurt you. He wants to apologize.”
I considered it. Could I be that person? Could I be strong enough to face him, forgive him? If I was going to go in there, I would have to do it now. Joseph would be looking for me soon and he would definitely object. I sighed until all the air left my lungs, trying to expel the fear and the sense that this was a mistake. I pushed open the doors and stepped through.
“You came!” Cal’s face was alight with pleasure. He spoke like a child who had received a gift. His broad grin and pushed-up cheeks were too cheery to look at. They burned me with their brightness. He really was sick.
I stood in the doorway, leaning away, leaning back like there was a solid bubble surrounding him that I dare not penetrate. What was I doing?
I thought I could do it but the minute I saw his face, the violence of my thoughts frightened me. I wanted to smash the happy expression from his lips. Pull his head back by his disgusting, greasy curls and slam it against the metal bed frame until there was nothing left to hold onto.
I stayed frozen in the doorway, my hands shaking with their need to hurt him.
Cal looked at me with innocent eyes, all the menace gone, sucked out through a tumor whirlpool. But I didn’t care. I couldn’t. My sympathy was lost to him the moment he stepped into my home that night. Some things can never be undone.
I was shaking so hard I had to hold out my hand and steady myself on the doorframe. I felt like the whole building was shaking under my will, leering and shuddering, bits of the wall peeling off and littering the ground.
“I’m sorry. I… I can’t,” I managed to stammer. This was such a bad idea.
I thought I’d been handling it well up until then. That I could magically say ‘I’m fine,’ and it would be so. That focusing on something else would make me ok. No. I had to make a painfully conscious decision to be ok. That I would not let it change me. And I had to know that maybe it would change me anyway. For that reason, I could never lay eyes on Cal again.
I walked backwards out of the door and stumbled down the hallway, uncoordinatedly. Matthew caught up with me and grabbed my shoulders to slow me down before I fell over. I turned to face him, ready to yell at him, say something clever and sarcastic, but all that came out of my mouth was a tortured slip of a cry. I slumped down on the ground and hugged my knees. I let Matthew hold me and I poured out every last tear I had. I watched them fall and splash onto the rubber toes of his sneakers as I buried my head in his chest and soaked his shirt. And whether it was possible to make such a decision, I was determined right then that those were the last tears I would shed over this situation.
“I hate you,” I said, my lips squashed against one of his shirt buttons.
“That’s ok,” he replied. “Addy told me to let you hate me.”
I thought, If that’s true, then stop making it so hard to do so.
When I returned to my room, Joseph had come looking for me. He was sitting in one of the metal chairs, all his bravado and cheek succumbing to nervousness. I’d taken my time getting ready, splashing water over my face and dressing slowly, selecting jeans, a low-cut shirt, and a jacket. All they had were sneakers and that was fine with me. If there were a Survivor uniform, it was those canvas sneakers. I ran my finger across my chest, pressing my charm between my thumb and forefinger, feeling a strange reassurance in the dull metal.
I still felt wobbly, and I wasn’t sure I was up to whatever Joseph had planned, but I desperately wanted to get out of here. Hospitals, hospital beds, the foreign beeping and dripping that never seemed to die out, were beating down my brain. I needed fresh air.
Joseph stood clumsily when I entered. The chair came with him, clinging to his extra wideness with a pack on. When it clattered to the floor, he blushed uncharacteristically and the nurse rolled her eyes at both of us.
I’d tried my best to cover my hair and dress nicely. I’d tried my best not to think about the night I’d dressed for our date the first time. The date that never happened.
“Wow!” he said.
I carefully checked my hat. Was it not covering the bald patch well enough?
“You look beautiful,” Joseph said.
“I bet,” I said, “next you’ll say being half-bald suits me.”
He chuckled. “There isn’t much that doesn’t suit you, darling.”
Darling. Black scratches hung in the air like a claw had torn through time. I hunched my shoulders, feeling the memories trying to push their way into my head.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, his tone belying his surety.
“I’m fine,” I said, changing the subject. “Where are we going?”
“It’s a surprise. Now close your eyes. Deshi’s waiting outside so you can say goodbye to Orry.”
“No way!”
“Please?”
I closed my eyes, frowning with my arms folded across my chest. “How am I supposed to walk like this? I’ll walk into a wall.”
His strong arms scooped me up and pulled me close to his chest. “Never expected you to walk,” he said.
I relaxed. Even if this was all there was, it was plenty.
Joseph kicked open the doors and stepped quickly outside before they shut on him. The temperature dropped as soon as we were outside. The air was cool but the sun was out and it warmed my skin. I had lost track of time in the soundless, temperature-controlled hospital room. Was it afternoon? I could hear people moving and talking around us, footsteps on the asphalt, the metallic hum of the spinners as they coasted down the street. Deshi lifted Orry’s face to mine and I kissed him. He slobbered on my nose.
“I’ll just take him back to your house and wait for you there,” Deshi said.
Joseph thanked him and we continued on. I felt ridiculous but he made me promise to keep my eyes closed.
It was a curious feeling, heightening my other senses. I could eavesdrop on other conversations around me. I heard someone talking about mobilization of Woodland forces but then we moved out of earshot. I tried to follow the words but all I caught was ‘… weeks… late snow’.
Joseph started talking and I got lost in the vibration of his voice in his chest and his warm breath, which smelled like fresh bread and toothpaste, on my face.
He talked about plans, how spring was coming. He asked me what I was going to do with the garden. It was an odd conversation, too normal. I wasn’t sure we got to have normal. Vegetable gardens and furniture-making seemed further away from me now. It was something I had craved but now I focused on the present. Anything else was not manageable.