Every movement was so deliberate and violent with this man. He stomped into the center of the clearing and spun around to face me, anchoring his feet in the dirt like his toes were talons.
“Your training will be separated into three parts.” He held up his fingers and counted them off, folding them down like he was snapping his bones. “Fitness, Combat, and Survival Skills.” He appraised my tiny frame. “I think we’ll start with Combat since I think we all know that’s what you will need the most help with.”
Careen giggled and I shot her a glare.
He put his hands on his hips and told me to try to take him down. I laughed, my body shaking with the preposterousness of it. It felt good to laugh. Was he serious? He growled, his teeth bared like a wolf, and assured me that he was.
I shook my head, “No.” I wasn’t going fight anyone on my mission. This was stupid. I turned to Careen, who leaned back gracefully and lunged at him. Her feline qualities were exaggerated as she glided through the air and grabbed his throat. They scrambled, grunted, and wrestled until Pietre had her arm twisted behind her back. Immobilized. They were enjoying this and I felt like I was getting a gross insight into their love lives.
I held my stomach. “Can you guys save it for the bedroom, please?”
Pietre gave me a sickening smile and Careen looked clueless.
“Fine, let’s try shooting the stunner,” he said, jumping up and wiping the dirt from his hair, attempting, unsuccessfully, to smooth it down.
He placed the gun in my hand, knocking my lower limbs out to a wider stance with his forearm, like I was an uncooperative table leg. Then he pressed his cheek against mine, the rough sandpapery stubble grazing my skin. I blushed and my heartbeat picked up, unused to the contact from a stranger. “Now aim for that tree.” He pointed to a narrow birch about two meters away from me, still skinned stark, its peppered trunk scarred from winter and starving deer stripping its bark away. It was only ten centimeters in diameter.
I wrapped my fingers around the gun loosely. I wanted to drop it. I hated the feel of the cold metal in my hands, the power it held to harm. I had no intention of taking this with me to my mothers. I closed both eyes and took a literal shot in the dark. I heard the click and then a winding up, whizzing noise as the charge built. Then the wires spat out and frittered to the ground. I’d lowered my arms as it discharged and it landed in the dirt at my feet.
Pietre was in a rage. “You can’t close your eyes when you shoot. You could have shot yourself in the foot!” He retrieved the wires and straightened my shoulders forcefully, like he was squaring a peg. “Try again. This time with your eyes open!”
We tried shooting the stunner over and over until the sun was high in the sky and my arms felt like listless willow branches, shaking and bowing from holding them out in front of me for so long. I think by the time we were done, I could at least open one eye when I pulled the trigger.
At the end of the first day, I walked in the door and the other half of me took over. The lies began. Joseph wasn’t home yet so I rushed around, making an obvious mess so he would think I’d been working all day. I ran my hands along the rough edge of a cabinet carcass and sprinkled sawdust on my forehead. I began making dinner, which was reheating one of the many casseroles, which had been deposited in our fridge after my attack, mostly from Addy, but some from Gwen and Odval too. I smiled at their kindness, overwhelmed and undeserving. As I lifted them up, inspecting what each container had in them, something fell to the floor. It was a little music device and stuck to it was a note with Gwen’s scrawl running across it. It read: Angry Music.
I shrugged and clipped it to my waistband. Placing the earphones in, I switched it on. It blasted and my head jerked back from the volume. Once I had adjusted it, the words bashed me over the head again and again with fear, anguish, and pain, but I couldn’t stop listening. As Joseph opened the door, the words crept out and sailed towards him.
I told you to be patient
and I told you to be kind
…now all your love is wasted
…who will love you?
Who will love you?
The blood drained from my face and I pulled the earphones out violently, managing a thin-lipped smile. I glanced down at the tiny screen and noted the name of the musician. This Bon Iver guy was inside my head, his anguish matching my own.
He dropped his bag on the floor and watched me carefully. But then Orry cried and Joseph had to respond. He went to the kitchen to make Orry’s milk at the sink. I kept my back to him but acknowledged his presence with a slight nod. I felt like a criminal, so I slammed bars between the two people I was fast becoming. This was ‘at home’ Rosa. Believe it, I told myself, cursing Gwen under my breath even though part of me wanted to hear the rest of the song. Did he get what he wanted? Did he shame her into being better?
Orry settled and Joseph laid him on his tummy on one of Addy’s rugs.
I clucked my tongue. “You know he’ll vomit on that. He’s just had a bottle.” Although, you probably wouldn’t even notice on one of Addy’s creations since they all looked a little like a rainbow had vomited on them as it was.
Joseph chuckled and walked towards me. I relaxed, slipping into the comfortable and desirous atmosphere he created. “You know you sound like Addy when you talk like that.”
I put my hands on my hips and did my best imitation of Addy, rattling and bobbing my head as I spoke, “Babies need to be independent.” I raised my index finger, waggling it in his face. “You’ve got to let them work things out for themselves. A face full of vomit and he’ll soon work out not to do it again.”
Joseph threw his head back and laughed. It filled me with certainty, like a limp sail suddenly pressed open by a surge of wind. He placed his hands on my waist and pulled me towards him so our hips were touching. “That’s very good. You’ve been practicing.” He ran his fingers across my brow, brushing of the sawdust. “Working hard?”
I felt my heart beating faster and the blood rush to my cheeks. I took a step backwards. “Yes, it’s good to get back into it. It gives me something to focus on,” I lied, as I slapped imaginary dust off my pants. He looked at me doubtfully for a second but shook it free.
“Yes, I suppose that’s true. I like getting back into working at the hospital… even if it is with Matt.” It was unlike Joseph to be so unforgiving but he hadn’t let go of what Matthew had failed to tell us. Also, as far as I knew, Cal was still under Matthew’s care in the hospital, which had to be hard.
After we put Orry to bed, I took the opportunity to turn the focus onto him and let him talk my ears off about his day until we dozed off on our couch, carelessly intertwined like the gnarled roots of a Banyan tree.
I woke up the next morning in our bed and realized Joseph must have carried me. The first day of training had been exhausting and I was sure it would only get worse. Pietre didn’t strike me as someone who would go easy on a beginner, especially not me.