I tried to turn around to disagree with him, but the hands on my arms were already directing me toward the room’s mound of cushions with a firmness that brooked no refusal, as if to insist we get more comfortable before the fight started. When we got there Tammad sat and pulled me into his lap, so that our faces were almost on the same level.
“You must hear my words, hama, for I have been greatly disturbed by what has been told me,” he said, serious blue eyes looking straight at me while one big hand smoothed my hair. “I had thought having Lenham and Garth near you would be an easing for you in your new place, a last tie to the old which would assist in your acceptance of the new. In believing this I have, instead, caused you harm.”
“Tammad, that’s not true!” I began, putting my hands to the bare chest I sat so near, but his hand tightened at the back of my neck as he shook his head.
“Terril, it is no other thing than truth,” he maintained, the sadness in his eyes replaced with determination. “I had thought the two men of your worlds well along the road toward learning proper behavior, yet is this patently not so. Your request for their assistance should have first been discussed with me, to learn if such a thing had my approval. Neither of them even spoke of the doing afterward.”
“But that was because I asked them not to!” I protested, deliberately refraining from mentioning that Len and Garth had volunteered to help, not merely agreed when I asked. I hadn’t asked, but I didn’t want to get them into more trouble.
“It matters not that you requested such a thing of them,” he said, shaking his shaggy blond head again. “It was their duty to speak first with me, for I am the man to whom you belong. Such decisions are mine alone to make.”
“No,” I said with a headshake of my own, unable to take my eyes from his face, my voice suddenly without strength. I wasn’t trying to argue what he’s said, and he was well aware of it; what I was trying to deny was the entire concept, the very thought that he would do that to me, but he wasn’t allowing denial.
“It may be looked upon in no other way, my sadendra,” he said, the sadness returned but the determination still firm. “You are my belonging, my wenda, and your obedience to me must be complete. To have allowed you time to accept this was also an error, one which will not be continued. You will perform no further experimentation, and in fact are forbidden even to speak with Lenham and Garth ever again. ”
“You can’t mean that!” I whispered, so deeply shocked that my mind felt numb and cold, my hands like wood on the chest I still held them against. “Tammad, please don’t say that, you know I can’t . . . .”
“But you shall, wenda,’ he interrupted, his calm, even voice so remorseless that it made me want to shiver. “The pain and distress given you by cause of your power has already been far too great; I will not allow there to be more. To be accepted and desired as an ordinary wenda was your deepest wish; it is this wish I mean to see granted you.”
“But I’m not just an ordinary woman,” I protested wide-eyed, so confused I was growing dizzy. “I’m a Prime and getting stronger so quickly that I don’t know what’s happening! And Len and Garth! I can’t just . . . .”
“You shall,” he repeated, interrupting again, those blue, blue eyes refusing to release me. “Though it was surely not done by intention, Lenham and Garth are the cause of your present upset. They look upon you not as a woman but as a Prime, and are able to deny you nothing. In their minds you stand as l’lenda to them, one to be looked up to and obeyed. This has led you to expect the same from all men, and brings you distress when you fail to receive it. You shall not receive this from men, Terril, for you are not l’lenda and never shall be. You are wenda, and must now learn to accept the place.”
What he was saying was so insane and unreal that I couldn’t accept it, not the least, smallest part. He believed it completely and was determined to go through with it, but I couldn’t let him do that to me. I wanted to be his, with every part of my mind and body, but not as a slave!
“You’re wrong in everything you’ve said,” I got out, looking down from his eyes and starting to get out of his lap. “Just give me a minute to straighten my thoughts, and I’ll prove to you that . . . .”
“You will prove nothing, Terril,” he denied, refusing to let me move away from him, frighteningly still wrapped in that calm. “Does my error lie in the insult you felt when Cinnan failed to give you thanks for your presence on the search? One does not thank another man’s wenda for accompanying him where he goes, yet you felt the lack as insult, a thing made clear by your parting words. Or perhaps my error lies in the fact that Lenham and, to a lesser extent, Garth, have come to fear you, and therefore have led you to believe I would do the same? Are these the things in which I am mistaken?”
I looked up at him again with the chill back and spreading, his hand on my arm and his arm around my waist two metal bands of irresistible strength, finding myself immediately recaptured by his light blue stare. I had wanted to have nothing more to do with my abilities, and it had bothered me deeply that Len feared me and Tammad might do the same, and I had been feeling insulted over the way the men were treating me, but—
“I can’t obey you completely and be nothing more than another woman,” I whispered, still whirling with confusion that spun out thin tendrils of fear. “Tammad, please, if you really love me you won’t ask me that. There are times when I wish it were possible to have nothing more to do with my talent, but that only happens when I’m tired from the fight to control and understand it. When I’m not tired I know better than to wish for such a thing, because my talent can’t be ignored or forgotten about. I want to live with you and never leave you, but it has to be in a way we both can accept. If you ask me to give up using my abilities and be something I’m not, it will destroy everything we have together.”
“Hama, I shall not allow anything to destroy what we have together.” He immediately soothed me, drawing me close to lean against his chest, the hilt of his sword brushing my right side as he did so. “And I would not demand that you cease being what you are, for that cannot be done. You will use your power when I find it necessary for you to do so, and in the interim you will continue with my teaching. As for asking you to obey me and being no more than another wenda-Terril, those are things I would not and do not ask, nor would any true man. These are things I shall have from you, as my due, for I am the man to whom you belong. You have not been given the choice of obeying, for such a choice would be difficult and demeaning for you to make. There is no choice before you; you shall obey.”
I tried to shake my head in denial of that terrible calm and rock-hard decision but his arms tightened around me, holding me against him exactly as he wished. I wasn’t being asked to obey him—I was being told that I would, no arguments, buts, excuses, or exceptions. I struggled against that warm, broad body, fighting to get loose, but how was I supposed to fight against strength like his? I squirmed wildly, but even that didn’t dent his calm.
“Your upset now is great, I know, yet shall it soon pass,” he said, trying to send a portion of his calm to soothe my desperate panting and struggle. “You now believe you face a terrible fate, yet shall it prove to be more pleasurable than terrible, more delightful than confining. The burdens will be gone from your shoulders, and your heart will be light with song. All decisions of weight and upset will be mine to make, and your lot no more than to give me your love. Is this too great a thing I ask, that you give me your love?”