“The difficulty,” Tammad repeated, still horribly at a loss, and then he seemed to give up. “The difficulty is that she prefers the company of a seetar to mine. That she calls me memabrak rather than hamak or sadendrak as she formerly did. That the shine is gone from her, the vibrant glow which was my beloved. She now obeys me as I demand, and in doing so is no longer with me. One full day of complete obedience, and I cannot bear it; I must surely be going mad!”
“Do not despair, brother,” Cinnan said very quietly, moving from the fire to gently clap the barbarian on the shoulder. “The difference in the woman is so great that I was drawn from my distraction because of it. There is indeed something amiss, and we would do well to discover it.”
“What is amiss is that this is no longer Terril we see,” Dallan said, more in practical questioning than in pure sympathy. “As you said, Tammad, there is no longer a glow about her, no longer the sense of being in the presence of one of unusual strength. She is as lovely and desirable as ever, yet has she become-ordinary.”
“Ordinary,” the barbarian echoed, filled again with that whirling disturbance. “And yet, this is what she had wished to be, what I sought to help her become. For what reason are we neither of us pleased’?”
“The wenda’s lack of pleasure is likely due to her seeking to be what she is not,” Dallan answered, his voice and mind very serious. “Yours, however, more likely stems from having mistaken your own desires. I have no doubt that you have had many wendaa, most of them eager to be in your bands. For what reason did you fail to keep them there’?”
There was no more of an answer than an increase in mental whirling, an answer Dallan couldn’t make much use of, but he had always been exceptionally good at getting things from silences.
“You see,” he said, just as though the barbarian had spoken. “You made no effort to keep those others in your bands, for you sought not the ordinary but its opposite. Many men wish no more than a soft, loving, eager and obedient wenda; you are not one such as that.”
“You speak the truth, brother,” the barbarian said with a sigh, still not over his upset but finally calming down. “It most certainly is not an ordinary wenda that I desire, and now I am aware of what must be done.”
It took him no more than two steps to reach me, and then he crouched down to my left.
“Hear me, hama, for I wish to speak of an error that I have made,” he said, putting his right arm around me. “I was mistaken in demanding complete obedience from you, for such a thing does indeed make you other than that which I wish you to be. You no longer need be concerned with obedience, for I shall no longer demand it.”
His words were warm and eager, his mind filled with excited anticipation, and his arm tightened the least little bit, as though he expected me to turn to him and throw my arms around him. I kept watching the leaping, crackling fire, and nodded very slightly.
“I thank you for your consideration of me, memabrak,” I said, wishing I had a coat or a fur to put around me. “When you have decided upon what degree of obedience you wish from me, merely inform me and I will, of course, see to it.”
“What is it you speak of now, woman’?” he demanded, disappointment bringing him anger. “I have said you no longer need be absolutely obedient. For what reason do you remain so-distant and strange?”
“At first I was informed that I must be completely obedient,” I said, forcing the words out against a vast reluctance. “When I failed, I was punished to teach me my error. Now that I have become completely obedient, I am told that you wish me to be otherwise. As I have no desire to be punished again, you must tell me what you wish and exactly how disobedient I am to be. Am I to obey you only in the mornings and evenings? Only through midday? On alternate days or perhaps every third or fourth day? Is the decision to be mine, or am I to disobey only at the direction of another? Speak to me, memabrak, and tell your wenda exactly what you wish. ”
I ended up looking directly at him, the anger rising in me so swiftly that it was totally out of control, blazing at him through mind and eyes. The expression he wore was pure confusion, shock and dismay, a very accurate sampling of what he was feeling. The next strongest emotion in him was guilt, brought about by the realization that his error hadn’t been what he’d thought it was.
“You attempt to berate me for my foolishness,” he began, “and you are correct in feeling wronged, however . . . .”
“Wronged!” I repeated, getting more outraged by the minute. “I sought to keep you safe from harm, and you gave me punishment for the effort! I sought to merge my life with yours, and you thrust me behind you! I fought to accept and control what rises roaring within me for your sake, and you dismissed my struggle with disbelief and insult! Insult. Never will you know the true meaning of insult till you must face it without the presence of a sword and the strength to ease it. The fault for all of this, however, is not yours but mine. It was I who wished to belong to you, and now I do. The more fool, I.”
I stood up and walked away from both him and the fire, passing between a very silent Cinnan and Dallan, feeling the weight of all their eyes and minds but refusing to let any of it touch me. I didn’t have to let any of it touch me, none of them was strong enough to force their will on mine, not even working together. That, of course, was the key to stopping what Tammad had done to me with his mind, not wanting it to affect me. He had overwhelmed me because I’d loved him so much I had wanted to deny him nothing, and that’s exactly what you get out of a softheaded attitude like that. Nothing.
Without really paying attention to what I was doing, I picked out one of the camtahh and entered it. Once I was through the roofed-over verandah and in the tent flaps I could stand straight again, but what I wanted couldn’t be reached by standing up. I got down on my hands and knees in the absolute darkness, crawled and groped around for the sleeping furs I knew would be there, then pulled one to me when I found it. Getting angry had chased some of the chill away, but not enough to make the fur unnecessary. I didn’t know whose tent I’d crawled into, and I didn’t care. I simply wrapped myself in the fur and sat staring into the darkness.
Not many minutes passed before I heard a sound from the verandah, and then the tent flaps were pushed aside. Tammad came in holding a candle, shielding its flame with one hand, then turned once he was inside to reach to one of the tent braces. He let a few drops of hot wax fall onto the brace before setting the candle on it, then was able to leave the candle knowing it would stand where it had been put. He sat himself down about three feet away from me with half a sigh and half a grunt, then looked at me bleakly.
“Truly must a man be bereft to insist upon a woman of pride, spirit, and strength,” he said, the disgust in his eyes and mind more than clear. “What difficulty I face is self-chosen difficulty, for there are many wendaa indeed I might have had in your place. And it was not my intention to give you insult. ”
“Of course not,” I agreed, nodding at him. “All you were trying to do was drive me crazy. Please accept my congratulations on your success.”
“Enough, wenda,” he growled, annoyance flaring in him.
“Your tongue has already stripped the skin from my flesh. I will not allow the taking of the flesh as well. I attempt to speak words of apology.”
“And what if I don’t want to hear those words?” I asked, pulling the fur more closely about me, seriously meaning what I’d said. “What if I honor the commitment I’ve made to be your belonging, but do nothing beyond that? You can’t touch any part of the inner me if I don’t allow it; what if I refuse to allow it?”
“Have I truly given you that much hurt?” he asked, his light eyes filled with sadness and pain. “The punishment I gave was my duty as I saw it, and would not be withdrawn even were it possible. As for the rest—I had not meant to bind you to strangling, nor did I mean to give insult with disbelief. Should you make the effort to see it so, I, too, was given insult. It was clearly understood between us that my word would bind you, yet were my wishes thrown aside the moment it suited you. The decision was yours that I would accept your protection, whether I desired it or no.”