The only difference between that day and the day before was the presence of sleeping furs draped handily across saddles, and the fact that Tammad sat me sideways in front of him instead of astride behind him. Sitting that way let me hold my own fur around me while the barbarian kept me from falling off, and also made my legs and feet warmer. As soon as I was settled we started off with Cinnan leading again and Dallan following, and once we’d picked up the road pace, I could feel two eyes looking down at me.
“So your presence has now become necessary,” the barbarian mused, his tone almost as odd as Cinnan’s had been. “Had you not accompanied us, we would not be able to find Aesnil. ”
“Believe me, I didn’t plan it that way,” I assured him, moving against the two arms holding me to his chest. “I’m going to turn just a little so that I’m leaning against you with my back instead of my front. Watching where we’re going might ease the monotony just a little.”
“The situation is not of your choosing, yet do you seem little disturbed by it,” he said, his arms tightening just a small bit to keep me from moving as I wanted to. “in truth your appearance seems one of pleasure, to find that your importance has grown so considerably.”
I looked up at him then, to see those eyes on me rather than just feel them, but I couldn’t quite read the expression in them.
“I hadn’t looked at it that way, but I think you’re right,” I conceded, suddenly feeling better than I had. “Not only am I not extra baggage, we now know you three can’t get along without me. Maybe the next thing I’ll find out is that I don’t need l’lenda lessons, but can give them.”
I grinned at the thought, not much believing in the possibility but liking the way it sounded, then noticed that my grin wasn’t being shared. My memabrak still wore the same expression he’d been wearing a moment ago, but now there seemed to be faint amusement behind it.
“And what were you told concerning the place of a wenda?” he asked, the amusement in him doing nothing to soften his stare or take the decisiveness out of his tone. “A wenda who is not and shall not be considered l’lenda.”
“It isn’t my fault if things aren’t turning out the way you want them to,” I retorted, still feeling very comfortable. “I didn’t make the decision to be important, it just happened, and if someone’s meant to be important there’s nothing you can do about it. Now, will you please loosen your hold a little so I can turn around?”
“Release my hold upon one who is meant to be so important?” he asked, brows raised high in feigned surprise. “Never would Cinnan forgive me if I were to do such a thing, and risk the one who will enable him to recover his woman. You must be kept safe, wenda, for the destiny which is yours.”
“But I want to see where we’re going,” I insisted, finding it impossible to struggle while wrapped inside that fur. “Tammad, let me go.”
“I shall not,” he answered, and I could swear he was just short of laughing out loud. “Great importance calls for equally great strength to bear the load, therefore shall you require a good deal of rest to gather that strength. You will have that rest during this journey, hama, for that you have my word.”
“You wouldn’t!” I wailed, suddenly understanding what he was up to, but it was much too late. Held between his arms and wrapped in a fur, all I’d get to see of what was around us would be his chest and arm and any rock or tree that rose above his shoulder. I was being punished for trying to step out of my place, and I couldn’t decide if this punishment was better or worse than getting strapped. Just sitting there and staring at nothing is so boring.
Despite the fact that the sun rose higher and higher, the air around us kept getting colder and colder. After a while all three of the men drew their furs around them, but we didn’t stop while they did it. The cold was so intense we were almost able to see our own breath, something I’d heard it was possible to do on the planet Medrin. Happily Medrin had never needed Mediating by a Prime, so I’d never had to see that for myself. The road continued upward and we followed the road, and all there was was movement and cold.
And boredom. I was furious with the barbarian for punishing me like that, but what can a normal-sized person do when an overgrown monster says no and sticks to it? Just once I’d tried looking over my shoulder instead of actually turning around, but a quiet, “Wenda,” had put an immediate end to that idea. If I tried getting out of that particular punishment, there was always another one that could be substituted for it, one that would make the hard leather saddle I half-sat on a lot harder and more difficult to bear. So I sat between the Barbarian’s supporting arms with my fur held around me, leaning against his chest, and simply sulked.
But sulking is boring too, especially when no one cares that you’re sulking. There was absolutely nothing to do-except try to find out what was affecting my mind. I brightened immediately when I thought of that, but didn’t rush into dissolving my shield. I find no attraction in depression even as an alternate to boredom, and now that I was rid of that horribly flattening emotion, I didn’t care to invite it back.
The first order of business was to think about what had been happening to me; considering the fact that I neither really knew nor understood any of it, that wasn’t an easy chore. I’d told Dallan that my upset over the trip might have been causing the trouble, but after thinking about it that didn’t make any sense. If that were so, shielding my mind would have stopped the seetarr from being upset, but it wouldn’t have done the same for me. I was locked inside with my fears and apprehensions, but all I felt was bored and rebellious. No, nothing inside me could have caused the depression, so where had it come from?
The only logical alternative had to be an outside source. I freed one hand from the furs and ran a finger back and forth over the soft, thick material of Tammad’s shirt at rib height, trying to think of an outside source that could have been affecting me. It wasn’t the people around me as none of them had been feeling depressed, and the only animals in mental reach had been the seetarr. It was possible the seetarr had been picking up my emotions and echoing them back to me in a reinforcing pattern that increased their strength, but that still didn’t feel exactly right. There was something else involved, something I just wasn’t seeing, something I might never see. For all I knew the mountain rock all around was doing the echoing, bouncing my output all around and intensifying it, affecting me and the seetarr but not the three men, two of whom were latents with correspondingly less sensitivity, and the last one who tended to shield his mind automatically with a cloud of calm. It didn’t make much sense that way either, but none of what was happening made sense. As a possibility it was a definite possibility, and if it turned out to be true there was something that might keep it from happening again. The curtain that had developed when I needed it was designed to keep outside thoughts and distractions away from my working mind, but it also might be able to keep all but deliberate projections on the inside. It was definitely worth a try, and if it didn’t work I could always shield again.
I worked for a few minutes at feeling a need for that curtain, then gritted my teeth and let my shield dissolve. At first I wasn’t sure if my deliberate need had done the job, and then I became aware of what was being felt around me, but filtered as though through a heavy veil. Cinnan was lost in thoughts that were half anxious and half angry, Dallan was relaxed but also busy with mental exercise, and the seetarr were almost as bored as I was. With the curtain in place, I was protected from the world but not cut off from it the way being shielded accomplished, and apparently the world was also protected from me. The rock walls towered over us quietly, the seetarr were unaffected, and I felt nothing of incipient depression. The grand experiment was a success, and now I was free to look around.