“Terril, you must release him or he will not be able to breathe,” Dallan said from behind me, then tried gently to make me stop hugging Tammad’s face to me. When he found I was holding on too tight for gentleness he switched to strength, and disengaged my arms from around the throat they clung to. Then he pulled me back through the grass despite the way I was trying to struggle, to let Cinnan crouch down on the spot where I’d been kneeling. I heard a groan as Tammad raised his hands to his head, heard Cinnan speaking to him quietly, but paid no attention to what was being said. For the sake of a stupid bet I’d hurt the man I loved, caused him pain and hadn’t given a damn that I was doing it. I was so low I didn’t deserve his love, and after what I’d put him through probably no longer even had it. I put my head to the ground and hid it in my arms, already mourning the loss of something I didn’t deserve to have. If I’d done anything serious to him I would kill myself, and nothing and no one would be able to stop me.
I don’t know how long it was before Tammad was able to pull himself together, but the time wasn’t a minute or two and both Cinnan and Dallan had to help him. I kept my mind away from all of them with my curtain in place, my back to the three as I sat with my face in my hands, too miserable to feel the cold. Why couldn’t you simply have done it his way’? I kept demanding of myself. Why did you have to develop delusions of pride and ruin everything’? The match was too impossible for it to last very long, but why couldn’t you have let it continue more than a matter of days? Is a month of happiness too useless a commodity to buy with excess baggage like overstuffed pride and a twisted joke of a sense of honor? Honor! You wouldn’t know the meaning of honor if it came up and spit in your eye.
“You seem completely unhurt, my friend,” Cinnan said, obviously talking to Tammad. “Perhaps it would be best if you were to rise to your feet and walk about a short while.”
“Slowly and with our assistance,” Dallan amended as a grunt came amid the sounds of movement. “Are you able to speak now of what occurred?”
“I am not yet sure of what occurred,” the barbarian answered, sounding as though he had just been through a fight lasting hours. “The woman-gave me her concept of fitting punishment for disrespect, and when I attempted to seize her and put an end to it, I found I could not. Her flesh was more painful to touch than the flames of a cooking fire, and I could not hold to her. I then recalled her fear of weapons and thought to startle and frighten her with my dagger, yet when I made the attempt a—a great dizziness came over me, so great that I could not remain erect. All sight and sound abandoned me and in their places were a whirling and roaring, twisting me about and swallowing me. I recall naught from the time of its onset to the time it faded.”
The barbarian sounded so bewildered and confused that Dallan and Cinnan said nothing, building a silence that grew larger the longer it went on. I could hear their footsteps behind me as they all walked about, trying to help Tammad shake off the last of the dizziness, feeling not the least urge to uncover my eyes and turn to look at them. That was twice now that I’d been taken over by that calm detachment, and it came to me that I no longer had to search for the control I needed to handle my abilities even under attack. The detached calm seemed to be an ability in its own right, a tool to use to get the most out of the rest of my abilities. Its existence was quite a momentous discovery-for anyone who didn’t mind being totally dehumanized while under its influence. I found it horrifying and sickening, but not wanting it would not make it go away. None of it would go away, not ever, no matter how terrible it got to be. I was a monster growing more monstrous by the day, and nothing I could do would cause it to stop.
“So, wenda, it seems you have at last bested me,” the barbarian’s voice came abruptly, stronger now and more neutral than anything else. “You must allow me to offer my congratulations. ”
“Thank you,” I answered without taking my hands from my eyes, wondering how I could continue living with everything inside me cut to ribbons by his words. “The accomplishment was certainly one to take great pride in.”
“A clear demonstration of ability must ever engender pride in the doer as well as respect in observers,” he said, as though he were commenting on the presence of rock all around us. “The respect you demanded is yours, wenda, and now it is time that we continue on.”
I heard his footsteps take him away toward the seetarr, and really could have laughed. I’d earned the respect I’d wanted, and all I’d had to give up for it was his love. I took my hands away from my face to rub at my arms, suddenly very aware of the cold, stony grass I sat on. I’d had the respect of those around me for most of my life, but I’d never known what it felt like to be loved. To be respected is a very fine thing, but to be loved is a feeling that’s nearly indescribable. To know that you mean something to someone, that his eyes will light up when you appear, that the love you feel for him is matched and returned-that if you should die it would make a difference. To die is not particularly upsetting, everyone gets to do it at one time or another, but to die all alone, with no one to care—I’d always believed that the loneliness would be unbearable, that there would be an awareness of it even after the brain generating the awareness of mind no longer functioned. Once again I’d gotten what I wanted, the respect I’d felt I couldn’t do without, and I couldn’t say I hadn’t earned it. I’d earned it, all right, and everything else besides.
“We prepare to depart, Terril,” Dallan said, stopping to my right with Cinnan a few steps behind him. “You had best rise to your feet now, and go to Tammad.”
“I do not mean to continue on with you, Dallan,” I answered, making no effort to look up at him, unsurprised by the decision I’d made without knowing it. “I will remain here a while before beginning the journey back.”
“Wenda, you cannot remain in these mountains alone,” Dallan protested, seeing nothing of the way the barbarian paused briefly in what he was doing near his pack seetar before continuing. He’d heard what I’d said, but he no longer cared enough even to consider arguing with me.
“And to return alone would be impossible.” Cinnan added his contribution, coming forward to stand beside Dallan. “You would have no shelter and no food, no seetar to ride and no protection. You must continue on with us.”
“I cannot,” I said, still looking at nothing but their feet and legs, wishing they would hurry through their token protests and then leave me alone. There was a terrible loneliness waiting for me, but I was abruptly in something of a hurry to get started with it.
“The woman may ride with you, Dallan,” the barbarian put in without turning, still completely wrapped up in what he was doing. “As you and she are helid, there should be little objection to the arrangement.”
“You wish her to ride with me?” Dallan responded, the surprise in his voice covering all traces of the reluctance he surely felt. “For what reason is she not to remain with you?”
“Best would be that she become accustomed to being with others,” the barbarian answered, finally finishing with the pack beast and moving toward his mount. “In preparation for the unbanding, of course.”
He swung up into the saddle and immediately moved out toward the road, continuing on down without a single backward look. I thought of all the times I’d wanted him to do that, all the times I’d wanted him to be willing to unband me. I hadn’t known it would be so easy to accomplish; all I’d had to do was want his bands with every cell in my body.
“I have no understanding of what occurs here,” Cinnan said, sounding vaguely annoyed. “Ever have I considered myself a man of adequate intelligence, yet do I fail to grasp what now occurs about me. Perhaps I have been robbed of the intelligence I thought was mine.”