It took awhile before I was up to thinking again, and even then I didn’t really want to. I turned onto my back in the furs with a shuddering sigh, draped my right arm over my eyes, and let the feeling of exhaustion quiet me. For once my emotions were very easy to separate, but that wasn’t to say they were calm and under control. I was back to living with a whirlwind in my mind, but at least I could see the components of it.
The first and easiest part of my problem was the way I felt about being pregnant. I loved Tammad and wanted to give him everything I could, but there was something frightening and vaguely disgusting in the thought of having a child put in me deliberately. I knew people did it all the time all over the Amalgamation, but I’d always felt reluctant and repelled, and couldn’t seem to shake the attitude. What made it the easier part of my problem was that I was on Rimilia, a place where women didn’t have to worry about that sort of thing. I seemed to have lost all track of time, but my six-months-worth of protection shouldn’t have had much more than two or three months left to go. Once it had worn off I would be immediately vulnerable, and Tammad would waste no time asking if I were ready and willing. He would take me in his arms and kiss me as he entered my body, and then it would be done the way Rimilian men always did it. There would be no pain, only overwhelming pleasure, and afterward I would be as happy as he was. I knew I would be happy—and that was my second, almost shattering problem, the one that had nearly caused me to withdraw from reality.
I took my arm down from my eyes, seeing splotches of brief, bright color before the darkness closed in again, hearing the soft breathing of my sadendrak where he lay asleep to my right. Sadendrak. The word meant someone who brought meaning to your life, someone whose absence would make that life not worth living. I would gladly die for my hamak
sadendrak, my beloved reason for living, and sooner die than tell him I knew how happy I would be with his child inside me-because I’d already had the experience.
Toward the end of my first stay on Rimilia, I’d suddenly discovered one day that my protection had worn off without my knowing it, and that I was pregnant. At first I hadn’t known what to do, and then I’d wanted to tell Tammad, but we were then in the middle of the Ratanan, the Great Meeting, that was so important to Tammad and the Amalgamation alike. I’d decided it wasn’t the time to distract him with my news so I’d waited, but before the right time carne he sent me back to my embassy, fulfilling the word he’d given on the matter even before I’d left Central. I didn’t know then that he was planning to follow almost immediately and claim me permanently, I’d thought he didn’t want me anymore once he no longer had need of my abilities. Almost as soon as I’d reached the embassy I’d taken a transport back to Central, and the first thing I’d done on Central was have the fetus removed from me and placed in stasis.
Tammad, my beloved, I’ve already been given your child—and I had it removed and put in a place where it will live forever but never grow large enough to be born, never be something to hold in your arms to love as you raise it.
How was I supposed to tell him that? It would be hard enough to say to a man of Central; how was I supposed to say it to a Rimilian?
If I could get back to Central I could have it reimplanted, but the only transport available was at our embassy, which was a long way away from where I currently was. How did I get back there without telling Tammad why I had to go, why it would be best if he didn’t go with me?
What would I do if I couldn’t get back, and time passed, and he made me pregnant again before I could retrieve our first child?
How did I explain that I’d given away a child that was his, on that world much more his than it could ever be a woman’s?
What was I going to do? What could I do?
I put my hands over my face to try to hide in an even deeper dark, but unfortunately I’d already gotten over the compulsion to hide. I knew I would have to face my number one problem head on, at some time in the near future, in a way that wouldn’t make Tammad hate me forever.
The only thing I didn’t know was how I was going to do that.
We reached the city of Vediaster about mid-morning of the following day, coming in from fields and forests that sparkled under the bright sun after the previous day’s rain. Vediaster was as open and unwalled as Tammad’s city on the plains had been, but in this new place I’d been able to find no trace of guarding l’lendaa, fighting men assigned to make sure the city wasn’t hit with a surprise attack. I hadn’t even detected the presence of w’wendaa in their place, which had to mean there were no guards. Vediaster was nothing but an open city, welcoming everyone who came.
The four people who rode into the city that morning were a silent group, each one concerned with his or her own thoughts. Cinnan began searching faces as soon as there were faces to search, half of him pleased there were so many females to check, half of him growing anxious and desperate at the numbers. Dallan also began searching faces, but he wasn’t looking for the same one and wasn’t even aware that he was doing it. Tammad was still considering what to say to the Chama of Vediaster, deciding what to tell the woman ruler of that country that would get her to go along with everyone else on Rimilia in their dealings with the Centran Amalgamation. The Amalgamation had been given permission to build the political complex they wanted to put on Rimilia, and in return the Rimilians were to have certain gifts. Tammad had been arranging everything, and although the leaders of my Amalgamation didn’t yet know it, those arrangements were designed to give Rimilia the upper hand in all negotiations and, eventually, control of the Amalgamation itself. I didn’t completely understand how that was supposed to happen, but Tammad did and he was seeing to it. Taking on the entire Amalgamation didn’t bother him in the least, nowhere near as much as my problems bothered me.
The imad and caldin I wore were too heavy for me to be really comfortable in that warm sunshine, but I soon became even more uncomfortable for another reason. When I’d first entered Tammad’s city riding behind him, all of the women on the streets of that city were dressed and banded the way I was, in imadd and caldinn and differing numbers of small-linked, bronze indications of ownership. The crowds on the streets of Vediaster were the same, men and women and children everywhere, passing or in front of or moving in and out of the one-story stone and wood buildings and shops, but the composition and appearance weren’t the same. The men were far fewer in number, and the vast majority of them weren’t l’lendaa. The children running around playing chase games were identical, but most of the women they accompanied or played near were not in imadd and caldinn. The women wore cloth breeches and shirts and heavy sandals, and even the ones who weren’t armed didn’t wear wenda bands. Here and there a skirted figure could be seen hurrying along with head down, apparently as uncomfortable at being barefoot and banded as I was becoming. The women we passed as we rode by turned to stare at me with disapproving frowns, and if my curtain hadn’t been in place and thickened, it probably would have been unbearable. The three men I rode with were tolerated, but my presence wasn’t accepted well at all.
“I think we had best decide now whether to approach the palace of the Chama at once and openly,” Tammad said suddenly to the other two men, his voice held low despite the crowd-noise and city-sounds nearly drowning him out. “To believe we will simply stumble across Aesnil upon one of the streets of the city would be foolish, even with the aid of a seetar who continues to feel her clearly. When she is found it will almost certainly be at the palace, yet must we decide whether to approach it openly.”