With that in mind I pushed my way up to sitting, but doing it didn’t turn out to be easy. I’d been whipped seven times that I could remember, worked hard for long hours, assaulted by men, and kept just short of starvation level, but the worst part of all that seemed to be the day and a half I’d lain unconscious. The stiffness I felt was nearly crippling-worse than I could remember the pain alone being—and something had to be done about it. I hated wasting the energy and strength, but pain control was the only answer.
I haven’t often had the time or opportunity to wonder about pain control, and sitting and hurting in that small dark room didn’t encourage me to start, but one thought did come to me. When I used the ability on other people their pain actually seemed to disappear somewhere, but when I used it on myself all I did was hold the pain at bay for a while. It occurred to me I’d be a lot better off if I could do to myself what I did to others, and that at least trying to do the same would scarcely hurt and would help no end if I managed to pull it off. I sat sideways on the bed furs with both arms braced to hold me up, my body covered in sweat despite the cool air coming in through the window, and began to try.
Turning your awareness inward means withdrawing it from your surroundings, so it wasn’t until I blinked back out into the small dim room that I realized I wasn’t alone. Not having seen Leelan come in meant she just about materialized where she stood not far from me, and I nearly jumped in startlement.
“Excuse me, Terril, it was not my intention to intrude,” she said at once, raising one hand in a calming gesture. “I came to bring an evening meal, and to rouse you for it if you had not yet awakened. It had not occurred to me that rousing might be necessary even though you had indeed already awakened. ”
She gave me a smile with a good deal of effort behind it, trying to make light of something that had probably shaken her, and I wished I had the nerve to lower my shield and touch her mind. I was finally learning that to guess about what other people were feeling was a particularly excellent form of stupidity, but in spite of that the temptation remained.
“I was-attempting to ease the pain I felt,” I said, looking away from her as I swung my legs off the bed to the carpet fur. “Surely Dallan spoke to you of the matter?”
“The seetar Dallan said naught,” she said as I struggled to my feet, still feeling rocky and aching, but finding most of the rest of the pain gone. “He informed me that the matter was not his to discuss, and continued to maintain so despite my assurances that my curiosity was far from idle. He is stubborn and thick-headed, that one, and impossible to reason with. ”
I pushed my tangled hair back from my face and looked up at her, surprised to see that annoyance had entirely replaced the uneasiness in her. And on second thought it might not have been uneasiness she’d felt, not if she hadn’t known what I was doing.
“That description seems suitable for every man of this world I have ever met,” I commented, feeling faint amusement for the first time in too many days. “What is it you wished to know?”
“What I wished to know,” she echoed, this time embarrassed as she looked down at me. “How much more easily that question is managed, when put to another! You are a guest beneath my roof and one who has had harm at the hands of my people, and yet- What is the ability you possess, the ability spoken of by both Dallan and yourself? Do you possess a kind of power?”
She was staring at me so intently I didn’t know what to think, but I was still aching too much to be bothered with hiding behind a lie. If it was the truth Leelan wanted, that’s what she would get, but first I moved myself over to the tray she’d put on the carpet fur, and sat down beside it.
“I do not possess a kind of power,” I said, taking the goblet from the tray to find more of the fruit juice I’d been hoping for. “I possess much the same power as Farian, yet am I likely a good deal stronger than she.”
“Such is not possible,” Leelan protested, bringing her stare with her as she sat opposite me on the carpet fur, her hand automatically settling her sword out of the way. “Were you possessed of the power, there would have been no need of my assisting you the darkness we met. Also would I have felt the power within you rather than the complete emptiness I feel at this very moment, for I am able to know of such a thing in others. I have little of the ability myself, yet am I able to feel it in others.”
Again I was surprised, but this time at the bitterness behind the last of her words. The big blonde woman sounded as though she felt herself a disappointment to those around her, as though she were less than she should be and was manfully—or womanfully-admitting the lack even while she bitterly regretted it. I let the tangy juice wet my mouth and throat with a couple of swallows, then shook my head at her objections.
“You cannot at the moment perceive me for I have shielded my mind,” I told her, reaching for the thick chunk of bread on the tray to see what the greasy-looking yellow substance on it might be. “At the time we met I was curtained rather than shielded, yet does the curtaining apparently serve to keep others from knowing what truly lies behind—and me from knowing what strength others possess save that I strive to know. I had not known of your ability before you spoke of it, nor was I able to gauge Farian when I was in her presence.”
“And the reason that you required my aid?” she asked, watching me without expression while I tasted the bread. The yellow coating on it was greasy, but not too heavily so and was also both sweet and faintly salty. I didn’t know what it was, but it certainly made the coarse bread taste better.
“I required the aid of another for the reason that I felt it wrong to harm someone with my power,” I said when I’d swallowed the bite of bread and had taken another sip of the juice. “To attack from a direction none might see and protect themselves against seemed evil to me, a doing fit only for a creature entirely without honor. I would have accepted pain and hurt to keep from becoming a creature of that sort but, apparently for some, creaturehood is impossible to avoid. When once I have regained my strength I will face Roodar in such a way, and I feel not the least sense of guilt at the intention. ”
I finished my own confession while staring at the bread and juice I held, aware of the intense blue eyes on me but unable to meet them. It hurt quite a lot to simply admit that I was a monster after all, but I was tired of trying to lie to myself. If Roodar had hurt me alone she might have gotten away with it, but her including Tammad in on that had killed the possibility forever.
“I cannot believe that good fortune of this sort would smile just when it was so badly needed,” Leelan said slowly after at least a full minute of absolute silence, her voice growing warmer and more enthusiastic the longer she went on. “Terril! You are surely the answer we have sought so long, yet must I be certain. You must open your mind to me, so that I may feel it as it is!”
I had to look up at her at that point, but looking didn’t increase understanding. Her pretty face was covered with an eagerness I couldn’t quite understand, and there wasn’t a trace of fear or disgust.
“You would know exactly what manner of creature you consort with?” I asked, telling myself I wasn’t being defensive. “You may accept my word that you are far better off not knowing.”
“Do not speak foolishly, girl,” she answered impatiently, gesturing aside what I’d said. “The sort of creature you refer to is well known to me, for I have known Farian for quite some time. One with the power is a creature only when she considers none save herself, only when the very meaning of honor is beyond her. To believe oneself an honorless creature is to be nothing of the sort, for the true creature cannot see herself in such a way. Now, show me the quality of your mind! It is vital that I know what strength you have!”