He looked down at me with his usual calm and not the least trace of denial, just short of a frown as he groped for the right words to say what there couldn’t be any right words for, and that was when Dallan came over, followed by Hestin. I didn’t know where the healer had suddenly appeared from, but he wasn’t the only new arrival. People were streaming in through the doors we’d broken down, and the noise level would probably soon be out of control.
Hestin began by not saying a word, but instead let his hands do their job. He touched Tammad on the chest, on the back, and finally put his fingers to his head, then turned to Dallan.
“Your suspicions were entirely correct,” he told the drin of Gerleth, his tone merely disapproving but his mind outraged. “This man has been so badly abused that he is near dropping from exhaustion and pain. We must lose no time finding a place where he may rest.”
“Let us all seek such a place together,” Dallan answered, stepping to Tammad’s other side to reach for his arm. “Should any attempt to dispute your choice, I shall see to persuading them. ”
Hestin was pleased with Dallan’s grim promise, and between them they gently disengaged Tammad’s arms from around me, then began leading him out of the room. Although he turned his head once to look at me before disappearing through the doors, he made no attempt to resist the urgings of the other two men, or to change his mind about what he’d said. I stood staring at the doorway long after they were gone, too numb to feel anything, too numb to think.
After a while someone, Leelan, I think, found me just standing there, and immediately decided that I could probably use some rest. I was led to a very large room with a wide bed of costly furs on it, my swordbelt was unstrapped from around my waist, I was helped onto the bed and my sandals were removed, and then I was left alone. It was very pleasant in that extremely large room, the furnishings were in very good taste, and even the predominantly golden decor wasn’t tedious. It came to me that that was probably the Chama’s bedroom, and I suddenly realized how important I’d become. I was the center of attention there, the hero of the hour, and no one would ever look down on me again.
I turned to my left side on the bed furs, still too deeply lost in the massive folds of shock to be anything but disbelieving, that and somewhat bewildered. After everything that had happened between us, after all the talk of love, how could he just decide to give me up like that? Because he wasn’t saying he didn’t love me, only that he couldn’t have me? Was that supposed to make it bearable and acceptable? Was that supposed to erase the terrible need I had to be beside him, to be held in his arms, to share his limitless strength, to be deeply loved even as I loved in return? Most of the women in Vediaster were the independent sort, and although I had envied their freedom at first, I had finally come to know that “freedom” wasn’t what I wanted. I wanted—and desperately needed—the deep involvement I’d been a part of, a relationship that had rarely been calm and comforting, but had been starting to get that way. It’s rather melodramatic to say you can’t live without someone, but what that really means is that you haven’t the will to live without them. I’d lived most of my life knowing I couldn’t depend on anyone around me even for a minute, had met a man who had supposedly changed all that, and now, because of the sense of honor that had made him so very dependable, I was groping again for a step that wasn’t there. He loved me, but honor and duty always came first.
I turned to my back again in the very comfortable furs, then almost smiled at another realization. The terrible problems I’d had, about having Tammad’s children and telling him of the one I’d given away, were suddenly no longer problems. They were completely solved and no longer had to be worried about, and that was definitely a benefit I hadn’t expected. I closed my eyes in order to get the rest I really did need, feeling very proud that I hadn’t broken down and cried like an infant. I continued to be proud until I fell asleep—and then my dreams were made of tears.
13
When I finally woke up I discovered it was the next morning, which meant I’d slept through the rest of the previous afternoon and all of the night. Golden sunshine streamed into the very large golden room, and I was able to lie unthinking in the furs until someone peeked in and found me awake. Very quickly after that I was surrounded by servants and assistants, diplomatically rousted out of bed, then shown to the apartment’s bathing room. I had help getting undressed, help getting washed, help getting dried, and help getting dressed again in fresh breeches and shirt made of silk. The clothes were a surprisingly good fit, but that was the only surprisingly good part of any of it. When a tray of food was brought in and someone tried to help me eat from it, I finally decided I’d had more than enough. I quietly told them all that I’d take it alone from there, and anyone who didn’t instantly disappear from the room would instantly regret it. Even if most of them hadn’t been there for my fight with Farian, they’d all heard about it, and about half an instant later I was the only one who hadn’t disappeared.
I was quietly brooding over the observation that obsequious behavior from those around you tended to encourage outrageous exercises of power and position, when a knock came at the door. Since I knew who it was I didn’t bother answering, but that made no more difference than it ever did. When Dallan got no response he simply opened the door and walked right in, then came over to me where I sat among lovely gold cushions.
“You appear well-rested and refreshed from your labors,” he observed, picking a section of floor fur for himself. He was back to wearing his blue haddin under his swordbelt instead of a brown slave-wrap, and seemed extremely pleased over the change. “I have come to see how you fare, for Hestin tells me Tammad will continue to sleep for some time yet. The sleep has been encouraged by a potion, of course, yet is it necessary to enable him to return to himself. Until that occurs, I will do as I have done till now.”
“And keep watch over me,” I said with a nod, then gestured toward the tray of food that had been brought for me. “You may help yourself if you wish, there is sufficient for many more than just one.”
“You have my thanks for your generosity, wenda,” he said, but the words just covered the sudden, close attention he bent on me with a frown. “I will be honored to share your provender—after you have spoken of what disturbs you. ”
“I am attempting to speak of a thing which will disturb you as well,” I said with a faint smile for his usual perceptivity, looking into his pretty blue eyes. “Dallan-your duty to watch over me is no more, for I have been told I am no longer the belonging of Tammad. Honor demands that I retain my place here as Chama for there are many who need me, and honor may not be denied even by one who nearly begged to be allowed to do so. To a l’lenda honor is all, and no matter that I, myself, am not l’lenda. I am no longer permitted to love one who is.”
“Terril-he said this to you?” Dallan asked, the shock and dismay in his mind so great that it reflected on his handsome face. “I cannot believe he would do such a thing- Perhaps you are mistaken?”
“He said he might not have me, for there are now others who need me more,” I answered, strangely enough trying to be gentle for Dallan’s sake. “How is it possible to be mistaken when told a thing such as that? I was not told that he no longer loved me, only that he would no longer have me. Do not be overly upset, brother. I have seen at last that what occurred is for the best.”